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I'll Empathy You Right in the Jaw

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | September 27, 2010 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | September 27, 2010 |

Alright folks, so it’s Sunday Night and I’m sure you’re all enjoying your footballs or cartoons or staring-at-the-wall-during-a-fit-of-the-Sunday blues, so I’ll make this quick because I, for one, need to finish watching the last DVD of “Mad Men” so I can return the disc tomorrow. Good lord, that was a long sentence.

Anyway, it was a great week. My birthday was Thursday and I quite enjoyed having a day where it was all ‘me me me!’ after a grueling day at work and passing out at 9pm. But it was nice. And we celebrated yesterday by gorging on Greek food and movies, so it was a pretty sweet way to celebrate 27. Meanwhile, in Pajibaland, we have a new Sports Column and a lot more TV recaps, what with the return (FINALLY) of Fall TV, something I’m sure Intern Rusty is celebrating and ruing at the same time. So it was pretty busy overall, and pretty sweet. I’m gonna go eat the rest of my ICE CREAM PIE when I’m done with this. Don Draper and ICE CREAM PIE, how jealous are you? Envy my awesome.

One last thing: I’ll be handing the EE over to a couple of masochists — er, I mean, wonderful volunteers, for the next couple of weeks. I’ll be here most of the week but I need a vacay from reading the comments, and it’s always fun to see what other people do with my baby. So next week it’ll be hosted by the awesome stopthemadness (AKA Angry Black Lady), so be sure to be specially snarky for her. Or she’ll beat your ass, because, well, she’s Angry. It’s in her name.

Here’s your top 10, and let me tell you, I had a hard time narrowing them down; you bastards were hilarious this week.

10. My 75 year old Mum saw Christopher Plummer as Lear at Stratford this summer. She is now officially warm for his form. —Mrs. Skipper

[True story: Captain Von Trapp was my very first childhood crush. I’ll be warm to Mr Plummer’s form forever.]

[From the ‘Gnomeo and Juliet’—gaaah I hate to even write that—trailer post. I just love the outrage:]

9. What happens to garden gnomes who get placed in high-traffic areas where people are relatively constant? Do they go insane from having to act like a statue 24-7? Do gnomes have to eat? So would a gnome in a high-traffic area starve to death? Do they drink? Pee? How can a garden gnome fall in love if it has no genitals and thus cannot procreate, I mean WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT EVOLUTIONARILY SPEAKING!?!?!?

I have so many questions now. I need to go lie down. —Lindsay

8. Posted by: Anna von BeaverSharktopus

Next on SyFy: The BeaverSharkTopus: it traps unwitting victims in its deadly dams, then bites them in half, grabs the pieces with its tentacles, and uses its giant tail to feed itself. It’s a can’t-miss. —Uriah Creep

[I say this every week; SOMEBODY MAKE THIS HAPPEN.]

7. [From the Celebrities Who Look Like Hobos post:]

They all look like they would taste like jerky. Except Johnny Depp. He tastes like dreams. Katie Holmes probably tastes like regret. —Courtney

Oh my goodness, Paul Rudd’s beard is like a medium-sized mammal. _-Paul Southworth

I bet it’s not the only part that is. —Mrs. Julien

[We’re all class over here, aren’t we?]

6. the only true weapon is empathy

Yeah? I’ll empathy you, studio executives! I’ll empathy you right to the jaw, and you’ll wind up on your back watching cartoon birds fly around! I’ll unleash nuclear levels of empathy that leave you staggering through an empathetic wasteland, feeling all the pain you’ve caused all the fans of all those lovely books. Then, when you’re on your knees screaming “It was supposed to be HARMLESS! We didn’t know Percy Jackson would hurt so many innocent people!” I’ll give you just one more tiny blast — maybe the flying death eaters in Harry Potter, maybe Tom Bombadil — and watch you collapse, shuddering, full of the pain of others. And, so watching, I will grow strong, and I will crush your studios and build a new one, a better, truer one. And in this haven for bibliophiles Neil Gaiman will write the scripts and books will be respected and Daniel Radcliffe will be banned from the premises. —esme

[Now, esme, I’d like for you to go up to them and yell “I’M GONNA EMPATHY YOU IN THE FACE” and then proceed to said empathying.]

5. Pfft, my kid isn’t a monster. I mean, she did try to microwave popcorn that was already popped, resulting in toxic smoke in the house and a ruined bowl and microwave, but that’s just kids!

And I guess there was that time when she poured water on a hot light bulb to see what would happen, causing glass to shatter all over the place. But she had been watching Mythbusters, so…well I suppose there was also that time while I was pregnant where she thought it was fun to rake her toes across my ribs really hard and often…she’s also projectile vomited many times, but, you know…shit. I’ve got to get myself some Holy Water and Super Soakers. —Pinky McLadybits

[I LOVE this kid. She’s like a future Mythbuster. My sympathies, Pinky.]

4. Clearly the Thundercats are pro-amnesty for illegals and social justice. What, you think “Third Earth” landed on Lion-O?

The Black dude is named Panthro?! Black Panthro?! Glenn Beck would be all over that like a fly on shit.

ThunderEuropeanLiberalBiasCats is more like it. —D-Day

[There, D-Day, you’re back. Happy now?! HAPPY NOW?!]

3. All I know is that I’m terribly jealous that there are not enough Pajibans in the West Virginia region. —Em


Well, there are two of us. We could hold West Pajiniacon on adjacent coffee-counter stools at Eat’n Park and ask them to put a scoop of real in with the decaf (and sneak a hoot of ‘shine into it to boot). Then perhaps a rousing rip-snorting game of who can spit tobaccy the farthest, maybe stop in and see what’s new on the shelves at the Salvation Army Store, get a VCR tape (free!) at the liberry, something hilarious like “Wanita Does Weirton.”

And to cap off the night, a little cousin-fucking.

If THAT ain’t entertainment … —,

[They should put all that in the pamphlets!]

2. a tumblr devoted to things organized in a neat and tidy manor

I was hoping to see some serfs standing according to height or something. Misleading. —2HB

[you guys know I love a clever take on a typo. And this one killed me. But not as much as our #1.]

[A bit of context: this was on the review for ‘The Event’, which is a tv show that uses a lot of time-jumps labeled ‘FIVE MINUTES AGO’ or ‘THREE DAYS BEFORE’ and it’s all very obnoxious. Here we go:]

1. Hey Dustin, I think…


Boy, I can’t wait to see what all this hype is for The Event. It’s been getting alright reviews about it.


…you’re completely right about this. I mean, they…


Hey, this is almost everything I saw with all the ads they kept showing me. Hardly anything new besides that “twist” at the end.


… are using this flashback thing as a total crutch. I like them as a story element…




…but it’s getting ridiculous with them. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt…


Oh, “They” are protecting us? Sometimes I hate pronouns and how mystery shows use them too much.


…for now. They’re on a very short leash. —MTGColorPie


It’s the “WAAALT” that did it. And in case you didn’t know, that’s a “Lost” reference and if you don’t get it you either lived under a rock for six years or you are Cindy or Scully and refuse to acknowledge that “Lost” ever existed. Anyway, I’m queen here and that one was the best of the week and so I shall declare it. Congratulations, MTGColorPie! Extra points for having Pie in your name. It’s like A++.

Alright, I’m off to get Hamm’d (good lord that sounds dirty). See you in a few weeks, be nice to the substitute teachers or they’ll set you on fire.

Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX, and she wants you to make it work.. You can read more of her ramblings at her blog or follow her on twitter.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.