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If You Can Read This, You're Obviously Not Home-Schooled

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | October 11, 2010 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | October 11, 2010 |

Howdy, y’all!

So I’m back with you after a long two weeks, capped off yesterday by a trip to the motherfreakin’ Texas State Fair. I’ve spent the entire day in a stupor trying to overcome the sugar and fried food hangover. Three words to make you want to eat your heart out (or make it explode at the thought of the cholesterol): Deep Fried Snickers. Also, Deep Fried Honey Bun, deep-fried Oreos, deep-fried Frito Pie (mmm), deep fried Mac n’ Cheese (MMM), deep fried…OK, I think that was all, but I think it was enough to last us a lifetime. Plus there was so much delicious kitsch everywhere in the weird “art” displays, and crazy-looking people, and games with weird toys (I still want a Rasta Banana), and rides that made me nauseous from looking at them. There were also a lot of goats, for some reason. I think the goats were the weirdest thing there. Anyway, it was a blast and now that I’ve seen Big Tex I finally feel like a real Texan. Oh, there was also some football game going on at the Cotton Bowl and when it ended there was a wave of people such as I’ve never seen before and it was so terrifying we took refuge with the goats. It smelled, but better than 20,000 angry Baylor fans. Maybe Baylor lost, I don’t really care.

So that’s what I did this weekend. And now I have to go back to work and it’s just kind of depressing, so I’ll just sit here with my ugly stuffed unicorn that I won at a game (the only one we played because MrFig hates carnies because there’s something wrong with him) and reflect on how I finally achieved a life goal: To eat a deep-fried candy bar. Simple things, people.

To end, I’d like to thank the awesome Angry Black Lady for giving me a break and doing a brilliant job on last week’s column. I owe you many gins.

On to the list!

[About “Secretariat”]

10. I thought this movie was about S&M James Spader and a horse. —dagnabbit

9. It took me a while to realize that a watermelon blew up in her face, but I laughed my ass off thinking her face exploded and the red stuff was blood.

Yes, I’m a schadenfreude enthusiast. —THE Sofía

[I love violent Cholas like myself. Also, let’s look at that photo again!]

Watermelon face!


8. I am being punished by my husband for going to see this [The Human Centipede] with friends in London town tonight. Apparently actually seeing “scientifically plausible” ass to mouth action was not punishment enough and so now I must sleep on the couch.

And yet, when I first described the film to him, his initial reaction as a scientist and doctor was not, that’s reprehensible, but I don’t think they could really do that, and then proceeded to spend 30 minutes thinking about why.

So long story short, in keeping with the Hitler, theme, don’t compare your scientist husband to Dr Mengele. apparently the joke is lost on them.

and I’m the bad one. —Yankee Sodomite

[I know every week I promise to stop mentioning THC, but…I can’t. It’s the horrible joke that keeps on giving.]

7. Some get more excited looking at the back of people’s heads than others:

Gay men
Straight men who love doggystyle
Lesbian strap-on enthusiasts
Oddly-revered, second-rate, buffet-loving directors
Booty connoisseurs
Horny male quadripeds
Your mom —Kballs

[YOUR mom. Oh shut the hell up, it’s late.]

6. really? “panties”?

i’d like to ban the p word from the english language. i’d even be willing to make a trade for the n word.

n****rs > p****es

screw you, al sharpton.

at least with the n word, you can make it whimsical by removing the “-ers” and adding “-ahs” or “-az”

I wonder if “panteez” or “pantahs” would be less gross.

::vomit rising::


—stopthemadness aka Angry Black Lady

[Hee. I can totally see Victoria’s Secret coming out with a line of THE ULTIMATE PANTEEZ and gyah now I want to vomit more than ever.]

5. ahem. I like this and have to agree that once you’ve gotten to a certain age you’ve likely earned a ribbon for ‘technique’ in a few things.

You may not be an orange-colored hardbody, capable of breakdance style floor spin sex, but most of that stuff is just to be stunt-y, and it chafes. —replica

[That was about Kristen Scott Thomas having a lot of sex in a lot of movies. Or something. I got distracted by the hilarity.]

4. “I have just decided that when I finally snap and take a bunch of people hostage, one of my crazy demands will be that I’ll only surrender if I can surrender to Steven Seagal, and even then, only if he promises to say “You think you’re above the law, but you’re not!”

-Followed by, “…and you can take that to the bank…THE BLOOD BANK!!!” —bleujayone

[On Emma Stone’s casting in Spiderman (fanboys scream!) and the fear that she’s “selling out”]

3. Yes, because Zombieland was the kind of quiet, well-written character study upon which Oscar-winning careers are built. Why, no less than Dame Judi Dench had her first starring role in Hell on Wheels, the intense, character-driven story of a nun who forms an all-girl biker gang to get revenge on the men who burned down her convent. The BAFTA-winning film also featured a then-unknown Helen Mirren as “Shotgun Sally.” —Tracer Bullet

[Scorzi asked for suggestions for signs to take to the Jon Stewart rally:]

2. scorzi:

“The Last Time a Republican Cared About Me I Was a Fetus”
“We’re Taking Our Teabagging Back”
“I Spell-Check My Political Rage”
“Sanity, Not Hannity”
“I Support Reasonable Conclusions Based On Supported Facts!”
“I Masturbate and I Vote!”
“O’Donnell Doesn’t Like Happy Endings”
“Levi Is Not My Daddy” (suggested sign for kids)
“Left My White Sheet On The Bed Where It Belongs!”
“Forget Mama Grizzly! Where Are The Cougars?”
“Paved Roads Are Socialism”
“My Wife Thinks I Am Hiking The Appalachian Trail”
“If You Can Read This, You’re Obviously Not Home-Schooled”
“Yes We Did - And It Drove You Batsh*t Crazy!”
“Protest Signs Are An Ineffectual Means Of Communicating My Nuanced Views On A Variety Of Issues That Cannot Be Reduced To A Simple Pithy Slogan”
“My other car is no longer a clunker”
“Communications degrees are not a qualification to be president, no matter how many schools it took” —Scully

[I want ALL of these. Except some of the people your sign is directed at might not know what ‘pithy’ and ‘nuanced’ mean.]

[The winning comment wins for many reasons: a) hilarity, b) bringing said hilarity into a pretty serious thread, which is always welcome, c) so wrong, d) first comment in the thread and e) seriously, fuck clowns:]

[The first part is the ending of the article:]

1. So, no: Sorry, folks. I don’t want to watch a rape movie. Rape movies aren’t funny, unless — as someone around here used to say — it’s the rape of clown. Because clown rape is always funny.

Ummmmm…. —Clown

[About 9 hours and 120 comments later:]

No one. Really. No one has a problem with clown rape. You’re all fucked. —Clown


Hee. I laughed so hard when I first saw that comment, and considering the seriousness of the article … it’s all just so wrong, but so very right at the same time. I want to commend this Clown for being the first clown in history to make me laugh and not want to run away screaming. And for bringing awareness to the pressing issue of Clown Harassment, or something. Frankly I don’t want to come near one with a stick, but people are strange. The more you know!

Anyway, it was a great week for comments and you can all set me on fire later for making this the winner. Whatever, dudes, I had fun. So that’s it for this week. Have fun on your day Celebrating the Subjugation of My People by Colonialist Fuckwits (DAMN YOU, SPAIN!). I have to work. Probably because I’m Honduran and the Imperialists hate me. One day we shall rise again!

Some of that might have been State Fair sugar high talking. Nevermind.

Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX, and she wants you to make it work. You can read more of her ramblings at her blog or follow her on twitter.