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Eloquent Eloquence: Can You Pinpoint the Last Time Johnny Depp Washed His Hair?

By Prolixity Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | May 11, 2012 |

By Prolixity Julien | Eloquent Eloquence | May 11, 2012 |

Eloquent Eloquence is a compilation of the ten best comments of the week. Comments in reviews are not eligible for inclusion.

There is a link in the commenter’s name that will take you to the original post.

  • The Spambot Comment of the Week goes to baidu for sounding like an ESL student who has spent way too much time with a translation dictionary:

    You managed to hit the nail upon the top and also defined out the whole thing without having side-effects , people can take a signal. Will probably be back to get more. Thanks

  • The Goin’ Down the Road Comment of the Week goes to Lauren for a comment only a Canuck could love. Your congratulatory butter tarts are in the mail:

    who goes undercover with a camera crew, posing as a director of a Canadian sci-fi movie

    Well, that’s a dead giveaway, CIA. Tisk tisk. You should have disguised him as a government-funded auteur from Montreal who is making a 190-minute silent feature about isolation and decay.

    Bad, spy agency. BAD.

  • The Team Spuffy Comment of the Week goes to Ryan for putting the argument to rest once and for all:

    Didn’t Spike… not have a soul during the attempted rape period? It hardly seems fair to penalize him for his demon’s actions, especially since the demon was still reformed (or whatever) enough to go off and get a soul so as to not be like that anymore

    You know what Angel does when he doesn’t have a soul? Apocalypses. Murder. Rape. Et. Cetera. I’m pretty sure that’s worse than that one time Spike tried it with Buffy, and while clearly Spike has some of that one his CV, too, it’s pretty established he’s AAA to Angelus’ MLB.

    Better as a demon, better as person. Spike for the win. QED.

  • The Enjoy the Veal! Comment of the Week goes to Bert for having the courage it took to post this:

    You think the lioness is the problem? From what I hear, the glass has a hell of a temper…

    /rimshot

  • The Ah, Youth Comment of the Week goes to NeoCleo for her delightful tale of adolescent naïveté:

    Once, a long time ago, I accidentally went for a job interview at a massage parlor. I know “‘accidentally’ oh suuuurrre!” But for reals, I was only 18 years old and did not understand the term “blind ad.” So my brother drove me to the place, in the old part of downtown Sacramento (cue the wanker’s pron music here) and it was painted purple and my brother said “I think that’s a massage parlor” and I said “Oh yeah, and your first clue was what? The sign “Moonlight Massage Parlor?”

    He asked, “What do you want to do?” I told him to drop me off and I’d take the bus back home. As he drove away he yelled “Uuummm, I’m gonna tell Mom!” I thought “what the hell? Ain’t got no job, no car, no money and nothing better to do, let’s see what one looks like on the inside.” As I crossed the front porch (veranda covered) the door opened and out walked this Greek god of a young man, not much older than me and he gave me the biggest shit-eating-grin I’d ever see in my life.

    I went in, spoke with two very attractive college-age girls (in fact one of them claimed she was working her way through college) who spent about 30 minutes giving me the pep talk about what a lucrative business this was and how it wasn’t the least bit illegal, blah, blah, blah. Then they took me on a tour and holy hell! The closet full of costumes and toys and you name it! The perfumes, incense, lotions. THE MENU!!!! Simple massage 1/2 hour $35.00 to the “All Nude, You Do Me and I Do You with Bonus Shower” $350.00 (Sound like a bargain? Adjust for inflation circa 1975 — it would be considered a chunk of change.)

    Anyways, I didn’t choose that career path after all but it sure was an eye-opener. I paid for being such a nosy-nellie however, since the bus quit running in that part of town after 3:30 p.m. and I had no phone and no money, just a bus ticket. I got a ride home from the park keeper, a really nice, middle-age guy who said he’d give me a ride home, no BS, “I have 6 kids under age 12, honest-to-God I’m too tired!”

    When I got home, it was obvious my brother didn’t fink on me due to the lack of screaming, wailing and gnashing of teeth but, I forgot what my original point was. OHHH. Yeah. The gorgeous guy in the beginning. It CAN happen—I just wouldn’t want to depend upon it.

  • The He Has His Own Bat Cave?! Comment of the Week goes toYankee Sodomite for saying what at least 4 of you have been thinking:

    I want to take Cumberbatch, Hiddleston, and Smith to my bat cave and do innapropriate things with that riding crop. There is something about a slightly akward, skinny pale british man that makes me weak in the knees. I think I was the only on in the theater that was on team loki, I’ll take the knee for him any day.

  • The Every Village Needs One Comment of the Week goes to PaddyDog for refraining from suggesting who fills that role around here:

    Based on the above definition and linked examples, in my day micro celebrities were known as “the village idiot”.

  • The Group Hug Comment of the Week goes to Becca. Let’s remove the suffocation hazard first:

    Excuse me while I smother myself with a plastic bag.

    The police will be puzzled but my family will see this page open on the laptop and know why.

  • The Voice of Reason Comment of the Week goes to Lindsey with an ‘e’ for politely bitch slapping people trying to tell us how to live:

    The problem I have with books/articles which set up a bunch of benchmarks for people to achieve by a certain age (not talking about the edits to this one, just a general observation) is that they get people thinking that there are actual rules or requirements out there that if not met mean a person is a failure or in some way less-than someone else who happens to have prioritized differently. Also, life is uncertain. People sometimes have to set a new course, which means they perhaps no longer have the stuff they had acquired, or had their life plan disrupted. Just because you had to hit the “reset” button and start over shouldn’t mean you aren’t succeeding. The personal enlightenment stuff, OK, fine, I can dig it, but the other benchmarks for success bother me. This is how you get people getting married/pregnant/tied to a crappy job for all the wrong reasons. I say you should strive to be capable and self sufficient, “row your own canoe” as my friend’s grandmother says. Just because you don’t feel the need to own a nice handbag to impress other women, or some focus on a single career, or be in a “satisfying relationship”, doesn’t mean you aren’t doing just FINE. I don’t think one should take on the responsibility of taking care of others (pets, children) if one is not capable of taking care of oneself, but other than that, live, learn, and just go with it. You are not a failure if you don’t have a 401k at 30.

  • The Or Used Deodorant Comment of the Week goes to Craig for explaining Johnny Depp’s fedora:

    Line these posters up in chronological order, and you can pinpoint the moment he last washed his hair.

  • The Comment of the Week Comment of the Week goes to Danny from Puerto Rico’s assurances that impenetrable bureaucracy stands between us and a coup d’etat:

    Soldier here.

    There are actually quite a few factors that make a military coup in the United States impossible:

    -Military power is not concentrated on one entity alone. The United States has four distinct military branches(Army, Navy, Air Force, Marine Corps). Good luck getting them to agree on doing anything, let alone take control of the government. They’d destroy each other before ever managing to take power. I’m Army myself, but I’m pretty damn sure every US Marine would DIE before allowing a military coup on US soil, it’s too ingrained in them. 3rd world countries’ militaries are usually under centralized control, so a military coup’s more possible.

    -Coups are usually led by a charismatic leader who unites the military against the executive. Fat chance of any one man having the ear of every soldier on US soil.

    -Any military operation must receive the approval of multiple parties to be executed, including the President, the Secretary of Defense, the secretaries of each military branch, all the way down to the individual unit commander. The moment contradictory orders start flying, the coup gets derailed before it even starts.

    -The logistics of the endeavor are ridiculous. With four branches spread amongst fifty states plus US territories, coordinating enough forces to take the capital is impossible. Also, things like equipment, fuel, weapons, ammo, etc. are, as mentioned before, handled by different entities within each branch.

    -Turning the military on their own government would put the entire nation at risk of invasion. While our military was too busy fighting amongst itself here, we’d be disorganized and distracted. It’d be Christmas for any enemy of the US.

    -Civilian law enforcement. While at first glance you’d think the army has a total edge, the fact is that civilian law enforcement would still be a threat that’d have to be neutralized, and that takes time and resources. Also, fighting against civilian law enforcement means that they’re not doing their job, leading to riots, looting, rape, murder… basically, civilians would be out of control, and taking control of the government would be an even BIGGER challenge. Plus, civilian law enforcement is exactly that, civilian. In most 3rd world countries where coups happen, there’s no distinction between the police and the military, so controlling the public is easier.

    -Civilians. Civilians in the US are well-armed and very jealous of their rights.

    -CONSCIENCE. Simply put, the American people, including its soldiers, find abuse by military power abhorrent. That’s why guys like the Abu Ghraib Marines get so much shit rained on them, we have no tolerance for rogue elements or abuse of the helpless. You may call bullshit on this, but talk to a soldier you know and ask him if he’d be willing to participate on a military coup on US soil. I bet he’ll go pale at the suggestion.

    So yeah.