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Universe, you’ve done it again!

By jM | Eloquent Eloquence | December 24, 2009 |

By jM | Eloquent Eloquence | December 24, 2009 |

Universe, you’ve done it again!

Hello my fine friends. I’m covering for Figglesticks this week because she’s busy trying not to kill everyone in sight while prepping for her wedding this weekend. Hopefully by the time this gets posted I’ll have completed the four-hour drive from D.C. to my parents place in New York. I was previously planning on going to Atlanta to spend the holidays with family until I realized that all I wanted for Christmas was to be left the hell alone. 2009 was kind of a shitshow, so my plans for the rest of it are to basically, keep my head down and ride it out as smoothly as a one can while being alternately drunk off their ass and full of hot chocolate. But if there’s one thing that has made this year easier to bear, it’s you freaks (and many, many meths). It’s a pretty amazing little community we’ve got here and you guys never disappoint. You’re funny, scathing, insightful, supportive, and big softies once you get past the hard lubed-up exterior. So if 2009 was good for anything, it was one more year I got to spend with all of you. Cheers and Happy Holidays you eloquent bastards.

Like the 12 days of Christmas, here are twelve of the top comments of the week:

12. @Smokin

LOTR…despite George’s protestations to the contrary.

Surely you jest. George has NEVER talked about Lord of the Rings on this site. Why, I’ve gone years reading Pajiba without ever ONCE seeing that fellow mention the Lord of the Rings trilogy. You must have your commenters confused. Someone else must be beating a dead horse because it’s not George. —JakesAlterEgo

[Perhaps a new year will bring him new material]

11. I’m not an asshole (about everything) but Russell Crowe is too fat to be Robin Hood. It looks like he steals from the rich and gives to the Dairy Queen. — becks


“DO I NOT LIKE BUFFETS!? — branded

10. You’re all jealous!
*lifts weights*
You can’t be me, you can only want me!
*drinks protein shake*
Check out my shit!
*flexes for your consideration*
Hold up, bro! I gotta blowdry sommore.
*empties Dapper Dan can*
Duuuude, whatta you lookin’ at?!
*pulls sleeves up to ears*
I’m jus playin’ bro! Jeez, you sensitive like my little sista! No you can’t date her, ya perv! I got dibs!
*adjusts balls*
Fucka you! — Da Hot Guido!!!!!

9. [After Stacey mentioned the alcoholic energy malt beverage called “JOOSE”]…

I prefer to drink JEWS. It’s the alcoholic energy beverage of choice for The Chosen People. — Tracer Bullet

Hmmm JEWS. Gives you the energy to wander the desert for 40 years. And gets you Juuust drunk enough to not question why. — Lindsey with an ‘e’

8. Hallmark has been making Star Wars ornaments for years so inevitably my brother owns every last one of them. Therefore, our Christmas tree is heavily Star Wars themed coupled with a myriad of Barbie ornaments.

Yet, my mom refuses to put Darth Vader and Darth Maul on the tree because she feels they detract from the positiveness of the season.

But she doesn’t seem to be offended by the compromising situations that we put Luke Skywalker and Christmas Sparkles Barbie in the back of the tree or show Obi-Wan Kenobi decapitating Winter Dreams Barbie. — Wendy

7. [From the thread about the upcoming project for Twilight’s resident wereboy, Taylor Lautner]

You do realize that relying on martial arts to rescue one’s loved one in any South American country is tantamount to being the swordsman in Raiders of the Lost Ark, don’t you? All it takes is one bullet.

If there was a Jeebus, they’d use a silver bullet and kill two franchises with one shot. —clocker

6. Which would you rather??

a. Marmaduke
b. The Back-Up Plan
c. 2 hours of clips from Grey’s Anatomy that ONLY have kathrine heigl in them
d. Death — MarcusArilius

Quick death or slow death? — ,

Cake or Death!!!!

J-Lo, with an ass like that, apparently chose cake. — PissBoy

[If you started spelling your name MarcusO’rlyius, I would be your best friend]

5. “The Friendly Vaginas” I like it. They can open up for “The Five Skins”. There were four of them originally but found they sounded better with a rhythm guitar.
Later on they can start their own Lilith Fair-like tour featuring Prick, Hole, Moist, Bush, Dirty Penny, the Butthole Surfers, and the Flaming Lips. They can call it the “Ear Rape Tour”. — bleujayone

4. WHOA! WHOA! Easy girl, easy. If you feed SJP an apple and some hay, she calms down.

As far as I’m concerned, she still belongs on the back of a stamp or in a “Salisbury Steak” dish at some underfunded inner city elementary school. —John Denver’s Wingman

Again with all the SJP/horse jokes? Can’t we just agree to stop beating a dead…uh, put them out to pastu…I mean take them out behind the barn and sho…or just send them off to the glue fac…

I’ll just get off my high…nevermind. — branded

3. There are several films here that I love and several I really don’t much care for, but I won’t argue against the list because I appreciate how articulately and lovingly you’ve written it. That’s why I love to read Pajiba. I don’t have to agree with your assessments, but I still enjoy the hell out of reading them. Thanks for the great retrospectives on this past decade, and I look forward to sharing the new decade with you too. —Precious Lilywhite

[This is just one of the best damn responses I read in all of the list debacles]

2. My ode to my ‘jibans:

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even annoyingmouse;
The tumblers were all set out with care,
In hopes that the Boozehound soon would be there;
Dustin was nestled all snug in his bed,
While visions of Ryan Reynold’s abs danced in his head;
And AVB in her teddy, and gp with his boots,
Were calling Prisco and Carlson silly old coots,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
Figgy and DeistBrawler ran to see what was the matter.
Away to the window TK flew like a flash,
Admin tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the bodacious Julie
Gave wood to Snath, BSlim and bucdaddy.
When, what to Lindsey with an E’s eyes should appear,
But Trouble, Whorish Mouth and JDW with a case of beer!
With MelBivDivoe and Snuggie along too,
They brought along a ton of brew.
More rapid than eagles Jeremy Feist came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now, logar! now, Adventureman! now, Spender and DeadBessie!
On, mrcreosote! on kballs on, Patty O’Green and cindy!
To the MurderTank to go over the wall!
Now drink away! shoot away! slash away all!”
As Uwe Boll, Eli Roth, James Cameron & Michael Bay
from the murderous, drunken ‘jibans run away.
So up to gates of Hollywood they move,
With a Tank full of booze and weapons too.
And as the zombies after Shaun they shuffle
Following Optimus Rhyme into the kerfluffle.
As they drank the last of the Bailey,
Who should bring more but trusty Intern Rusty.
Vermillion, stardust and Peanut_Butter_and_James,
thought the booze improved all their aims.
Dakaron, krix, , SLW, and battgirl were peeking
to see if tamantha, Paddy & tarn’s drinks were leaking.
But, really the fun was not the killing
the truth was much more thrilling!
For as the bad scripts and rom-coms burned,
all Pajibans gathered talked about what they had learned;
That we don’t always agree on books or movies,
musical tastes or what’s on our TVs,
But we all like to talk and we all like to tease,
We all like to bitch and get snarky with ease.
We all think that Spambot is irritating but fun,
and we all came together for Ahamos and family as one;
We all miss Pink, this much is true,
We have stories for Alistair out the kazoo.
We all care about each other, wherever we are,
Some of us live near, and some very far.
While many of us may never actually meet,
We would probably recognize each other on the street.
With our WhiskeyBabyNinjaStar shirts,
and Godtopus charms, with each other we’d flirt.
But this time of year, with holidays and such,
I just have to say LOVE YOU ALL and PUCK you very much! — dammitjanet

[Bravo dammitjanet, our Pajiban poet-in-residence. That warmed the cardboard cutout of my heart (*cough* even though I’m not on it *cough*)]

1. Is there some sort of online Babelfish service that will translate Adventureman’s comments into something I understand? — Dustin

He claims to have some form of dyslexia. We go with it. I figure there is room in this bus for everyone, right?

Every once in a while he lapses into coherence. It is a nice surprise, like finding $5 in a jacket pocket. — Lindsey with an ‘e’

“And speaking of adventureman, I would love, love, love to hear his take on climate change.”

I’m actually a Geography major so I’m kind of an expert on this (true story). Turns out climate change doesn’t exist. The data is wrong. All those scientists were just looking at their research upside down. The additional trillions of tons of carbon dioxide, methane and chlorofluorocarbons that we have been producing post-industrial revolution just disappears into people’s composts and chimneys. The sun’s radiation does not become infrared and trapped in our atmosphere as a result. The laws of conservation of matter are actually wrong, we just didn’t realize it until now.

Seriously though, EricD you are right in saying that the Earth is doing what it’s always done to a certain degree. The Earth’s temperature has always naturally fluctuated creating what you humans call ice ages. If you are someone who supports this idea that our current planet’s temperature is essentially a point on a sinusoidal wavelenght, than you should also recognize that the temperature should have dropped naturally by now. Instead, the Earth continues to get warmer every year, now vastly exceeding the normal fluctuations. Yes there may still be days that set record lows, but you have to remember that those are daily and not annual averages. The average annual temperature has, and will continue to rise overtime. Finally it’s also interesting to note how the large increases in methane in the atmosphere can be in part attributed to the mass consumption of cows and not just the burning of fossil fuels. Cows contribute on average 23 times for methane into the atmosphere than cars do. They fart a lot. True story. Eliminating their intestinal gas could help save the planet.

Alright, my meds are slowly wearing off so I better end this rant here. It won’t be long before even go want keep the change you filthy animal. Shit I have go decide go look more want. Well even with need approval I furnace myself. I’m not afraid anymore. — Adventureman

Hey look! $5. — Lindsey with an ‘e’

[Dustin, I asked the thing same when Adventureman first showed up, but unfortunately, Babelfish still doesn’t have a Shaken Baby to English setting.]


Congratulation, Lindsey with an ‘e’! Looks like Christmas came early for you. You get an automatic spot on Santa’s Nice List… or the naughty one. Whichever you’re into. You also get to keep those five dollars. And, “… keep the change you filthy animal.”

Godtopus bless us, everyone.