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Figgy's Gettin' Married

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | December 17, 2009 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | December 17, 2009 |

Publisher’s Note: Before tackling Figgy’s abundant joy, I just wanted to let y’all know that Bucdaddy, minus one testicle, looks to have an excellent prognosis. A little chemo, and some more tests, and (fingers crossed), he’ll be out of the clear.

Yeeeeeee-haw! The Fig is in the Grrrrrrreat State of Texas. Land of awesome barbecue and many other great things. Mostly the barbecue. Took forever but I’m finally here, dammit, and here to stay, so it’s a good thing the USA just became ten times awesomener. Because of me.

Also, this is my last EE column for 2009. Because I AM GETTING MARRIED. At final fucking long last, after 2 years of being engaged, one of which was spent waiting on a goddamn visa that took going through a gauntlet to get, I’m finally getting married in …10 days. Holy crap. So, yes. Next week I’ll be going insane as my entire family is coming up to Houston from Honduras and various other places on the planet, and an invasion must be well coordinated to work. And then my wedding’s on the 27th and hells yeah I’ll be a married fig. Which means I will return more powerful than I ever was before.

So. Because I’ll be gone for the next two weeks (I’ll be posting sometimes but won’t have time to read comments), including Christmas and New Year’s, I just wanted to say a few words. Like how much I fucking love this place and you guys, and how much damn fun this job has been. Even with the commenters who think that being funny means hurling cheap insults at everything and everyone. So I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas. I would like to ask Santa for a heart for TK, a sandwich for Prisco, some abs for Dustin (his or someone else’s), a Donny Osmond doll for Dan, many kittens and a new car for Stacey and a spaceship for Steven. And many blessings from Jesopus to you all. I love you damn people.

So have fun, drink and eat a lot, because I certainly fucking will. Been starving myself to fit into that damned dress and I’ll be damned if I won’t eat every single bit of barbecue I can (yes we’re having barbecue for the wedding because THAT IS HOW I ROLL) at the party and get happily, roaringly drunk. Hell yeah.

Finally, the list!

10. She’s got a kickass body that I want more than anything, but when she says the words “Pilates” and “Yoga” and “working out” and “watching her diet” I look at the sub in my hand and find it infinitely more attractive than her toned bod. —Bizarro Sofía

[mmmmm…sub. Yeah screw being ‘celebrity’ pretty. I like to eat and not exercise.]

9. Would it be wrong to add a wrinkle to this show by secretly having half the male candidates infected with various social diseases?

“Becky, you picked Nelson…AND Chlamydia! It could have been worse, you could have picked Josh and Syphilis, and our contestants still haven’t found the Secret Gonorrhea Carrier- good luck ladies!” —bleujayone

[I think this was from that conveyor belt monstrosity. Really, Pajibans are at their best when confronted with the worst. Steven Seagal and Conveyor Belt gave us some great comments this week.]

8. I assume that gays won’t be included to preserve the sanctity of traditional conveyor belt values. —clocker

7. I love Angels in the Outfield. I’m such a sucker for adoption stories. I was babysitting my friend’s kids and they wanted to watch Meet the Robinsons.

“Why are you crying, Miss Jeena?” they asked at the end.

Same deal for AitO. AND it’s got a young JGL!! I can’t help him; every little thing he does is magic to me.

If he were in a movie about mermen, I WOULD TOTALLY WATCH IT. And if it were about a merman who got adopted by an angel at the end, I’d probably die of dehydration from all the shedding of tears I’d do. —Livience

[MER-MAN. I am a MER-MAN. ]

6. As someone who has lived in Jefferson Parish, LA, I can tell you that I am both thrilled and frightened by the prospects of driving by and getting pulled over by Steven Seagal.

And does this not open the door for other former action movie stars to begin reality TV careers in other fields? I mean, imagine:

“Jean-Claude Van Damme Ballet Instructor”
“Dolph Lundgren Substitute Teacher”
“Cynthia Rothrock Bartender”
“Wesley Snipes Tax Accountant”

The possibilities are endless! —Fredo

[I would SO watch JCVD teaching ballet. You know he’d be glorious and he would do the splits ALL ACROSS THE DANCE STUDIO.]

5. Segals’s band is named, “Steven Segal & Thunderbox,” because apparently “The Queefers” was already taken. —bleujayone

[I just realized I have two bleujayone comments on the list this week. But hell, he (or she) was on fire this week.]

4. I love this project so much I want to ask it answers and then mount it like Seabiscuit. —esme

3. Ohh, everybody’s crafty and I can’t join in. The only thing I can make with my hands is a happy ending. —Lauren

2. Mrs. Premise: Reminds me of a story from my childhood- my mother took us to a drive-in that she had never been to before because she thought it was playing Flash Gordon. Turns out it was actually “Flesh Gordon”, at the local porn drive-in. She high-tailed it out of there during the opening orgy scene. It explains a lot about me. —logar

[logar was also outstanding this week. Would’ve won, too, but our #1 was beyond fierce. Another two-comment win this week!]

1. I’m not buying that Segal could take apart anything but a king cake. If I were a pastry however, I’d be terrified. —mrcreosote

[Yes yes, ANOTHER Segal comment but dammit it was a brilliant review and the comments were outstanding. But this one really pushed mrcreosote down the last mile..]

I use my chaos generator to make singularity smoothies. A little time travel, some paradoxes, Schrodinger’s cat and some frozen yogurt. Blend until smooth. There’s only a 50/50 chance the cat is actually in it. —mrcreosote

* * * * * *

Congratulations, mrcreosote, you win at the Pajiba! Your comment was nerdtastic and delicious all at once, and it cracked me up to no end. You’re a consistently great commenter and totally deserve the win. As a prize, you get a cat, a blender, some ice and a….mango to go with your singularities. Mmmmm…tastes like utter confusion. Victory!

So that’s it for me for 2009. Keep reaching for the greatness.

Oh, and be good to my substitutes. Pandalicious jM will be taking over next week, and if there’s an EE the week after that it will be handled by the lovely smokin (who, by the way, I might be meeting along with gp this week, eeeeeee!). Be good, y’all.

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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