Naughty Dreams on Elm Street
By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | November 27, 2009 |
By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | November 27, 2009 |
Publisher’s note: Due to the holiday, EE was delayed a day, though it was written for Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving, Merkia!
I love American holidays. You guys really know how to do your holidays — food, booze and TV. That’s all you need. Oh how I wish I was in the US right now gorging on turkey. We don’t even get turkeys over here, how pathetic is that? We eat iguanas and bears, but you can’t get a damn turkey unless it’s imported and then it’s more the size of a pigeon. Amusing fact that you didn’t need to know: a turkey is called a ‘jolote’ in Honduras. Now, why we have a word for a bird that doesn’t live here is something I can’t help you with. Just enjoy your jolote and trimmins.
I actually never had turkey until I went to college in upstate New York and had my first Thanksgiving at a friend’s house. At the end of a true feast of turkey (yum), stuffing (omg stuffing, only in America), various other starches and pies, I almost sobbed with joy while weakly exclaiming “USA! USA! USA!” True story. Don’t tell my fiance, but aside from you know, the love and all, what I really want is his turkey. And no that’s not a euphemism. Ew. Ew.
Anyway, I really do hope you’re having a wonderful day, whether it’s Thanksgiving or not. But since it is for the American base, I’ll just say this: eat a lot, drink a lot, have fun a lot and don’t let the family get you down. And in the spirit of the holiday, I’m grateful to all you funny, smart people who make this job fun. Or if not fun, at least I never get bored.
Oh, and just to let you know. I didn’t pull comments from a couple of the reaaaaaaaally long threads this last week (you know what they are) because, well, fuck it, there’s just too many of them and they’re all kind of the same after a while. And I didn’t want to get through another tiff between You Know Who and That Other One (figure it out). And madness related to the Movie That Shall Not Be Named. But we still have some good ones this week.
(I apologize in advance if one or more of these are Movie That Shall Not Be Named-related. But you guys bring out the funny when you’re bitchy and scathing.)
10. “Fairly Bad Dreams on Elm Street”
All about a former kindergarten teacher who was fired because of racy pictures on Facebook. She comes back years later and terrorizes the (now teenage) children of the school board members by spanking them with a wooden ruler.
Oh, wait. Never mind. That’s probably already the plot to some kind of porno. —ZombieNurse
[It SHOULD be…Though it’d probably be called “Naughty Dreams on Elm Street…]
9. No! Ben forever! He’s a tiny, bug-eyed, murderin’ little mother fucker but HE IS EVERYTHING I WISH I COULD BE! Except the murderin’? Yeah, except the murderin’.
[Because of Zoolander — one of my favorite movies ever SHUT UP — I can’t ever hate Ben Stiller. I hate his movies but … I can’t hate him. MAGNUM, people.]
8. Nic Cage: Hair Club For Men
Nic Cage: Getting Repossessed
Nic Cage: My Son Killed Me Because I Fucking Named Him Superman —Snath
[heehee … oh god that kid’s name really IS Kal-El. That poor kid. He’s gonna kill his dad. And there shall be much rejoicing *waves tiny flag* yaaaaaaay]
7. so, Old Dogs, from what I can tell from the preview…
Robin Williams and John Travolta’s characters are a long-term gay couple, right? And Seth Green is their aging, but still fuckable houseboy?
Sort of like The Birdcage II: The Quickening. —Drake
[I was gonna say I’d watch that, but Travolta is revolting. Travolting! HA! I kill me]
6. I like how Cinematical just assumes I don’t subscribe to Tiger Beat. YOU DON’T KNOW ME!! —shamed in the shadows
[You should be ashamed! Oh … wait.]
5. Naked men are ridiculous. Naked women are all tucked into a nice and neat, attractive little package. Naked men look like we were finished at 4:45 p.m. the Friday before a three day weekend. “Hmm, penis and testicles. This could stand some more revision because it just looks ridiculous … Eh, fuck it. I’m going to the beach.” Shit is all unfinished and just dangling out there in the breeze. —Tracer Bullet
[Exactly. And they say Godtopus doesn’t have a sense of humor.]
4. I would like to offer the people over at Holy Taco a list of “5 Things Your Family Will Want to Talk about at Thanksgiving: Dysfunctional Families Edition”
1) The merits of “full flavor” cigarettes and regular beer over light beer or cigarettes. Because in my father’s immortal words “Why drive to Chicago if I am trying to get to New York” (meaning why take the long way around)
2) How much of a cunt is Deborah, the neighbor, because God she’s a cunt.*
3) Where is my God Damn lighter, Nancy did you take my lighter again God Damnit, I had 3 friggin’ lighters damnit. Girls, did you see your mother use my lighter? She never gave it back, you saw it!
4) What bar would you like to go to tonight? (because in MT there is always a bar open on Thanksgiving night)
5) Ways to burn down Deborah’s house and have my mom get away with it.
*Deborah is actually very nice, if just a little crazy. My mother inexplicably hates her all the same. —ashes
[DAMN THAT DEBORAH! Dang. Thanksgiving at ashes’ sounds like a blast!]
3. I’m appalled and disgusted by the Deen incident.
Who the hell does that to an innocent ham? -BarbadoSlim
Paula Deen is definitely a ham, but I wouldn’t call her innocent … —jimbob
[I love when this sort of comment/response happens.]
2. I finally figured out how I am going to make my millions. I am going to write “Musk at Dusk,” an angsty teen romance about a preacher’s daughter in a backward town and her undying love for sasquatch. Vampires = so last year. Werewolves = been there done that. Sasquatch = so hot, so now, so untapped.
It practically writes itself … He’s ugly, has bad hair, and looks like he smells bad. She’s whiney, hates her parents and wants to rebel against her super christian dad (as played by John Lithgow, that man knows his way around a bible and a bigfoot).
Will sasquatch be able to win the hearts and minds of her father and the backward town folk?
Will she be able to teach sasquatch to love?
Tagline: “When you can’t believe your eyes, trust your heart.”
Alternative Tagline: “You know what they say about men with big feet.” —Mebe
[Mebe, even though your love of Adam Lambert is a little freaky, I do love your comments. I want to kiss this idea. Special thanks to Sarina for braving the MTSNBN thread to find that!]
[Our #1 this week is once again not just because of one comment, but two. In one week.]
1. So she can affect the weather and manipulate microscopic bacteria and whatnot, but she can’t break out of a metal cage? I hate lazy movie devices like that. “Oh, she can’t escape the cage because of it’s amazing anti-witch properties,” or some such nonsense. Whatever. I’d rather she be runnin’ loose on the countryside, witchin’ motherfuckers from the bushes. Meanwhile, Valley Boy and One try to save the shitty people of the middle ages. Sounds like a real hoot. —Kballs
[“witchin’ motherfuckers from the bushes.” Kballs would’ve won it just for that, but he also had this earlier in the week]
You power-mad bastard. What’s next? “The Godfather” in 1973 retrospective? “Gone With the Wind” for 1940? “Metropolis” in 1928?!?! I won’t have it! Do you hear me? I WON’T HAVE IT!!!!! -KBalls
Well, I didn’t see Apocalypse Now until 1999, so that makes it a Film of 1999 right?
(Now you’re wondering if I mean “touche” with the accented “e” implying a finely crafted response, or if I just misspelled “douche.” Maybe it’s both. Maybe neither. Maybe it’s a little of the first. Or only a little of the second. Maybe I don’t know what’s going on. What year is this? 1999, you say? I haven’t joined the Navy yet! I’m so naive!)
Now you’re probably wondering if I mean “naive” with an accented “i” implying a lack of experience in the world, or if I am describing myself as a central approach to a high altar in Romanesque and Gothic Christian cathedral architecture by misspelling “nave.” It’s all such a mystery. —Kballs
Hee. Congratulations, Kballs! You win for making almost no sense whatsoever but then being perfectly nerdsome and cracking me the hell up anyway. You’re a consistently funny dude and had this one coming for a long time. Your prize is a box full of balls of all shapes and sizes. I mean actual, bouncy balls that are round and—-wait dammit. I mean you know. The kind you play with. NO. DAMMIT. Not that. Balls. Because every time I see your name I want to yell out “k!”, like you’re responding to someone, then something bad happens and you go “BALLS!”. No, I am not a dork.
Um. Yeah! Congratulations! You are the winner.
Go enjoy some footballs. HA! See what I did there?
I need to go to bed.
Figgy is gonna be living in Honduras for the next 10 days. After that she’ll be invading Texas. She loves the English language, because it has words like “balls” and “bucket.”