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Viva Paheeba!

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | November 19, 2009 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | November 19, 2009 |

Wasn’t Paheeba Day magnificent? Wasn’t it glorious? Yes, yes it was.

And because I’m completely exhausted from a day of so much fun and madness (and…admin) I’m gonna keep this short. I’ve laughed and cried (damn but our guys are sentimental, too) and I’m covered in glue and sharpie from addressing wedding invitations. Sorry, despite all your awesome wedding presents, you can’t come. I have a hard enough time explaining Pajiba to my fiance, who is quite an internet geek; I won’t even try explaining you people to my mom. Plus, I know half of you would come naked. I love you guys, but not that much.

Anyway, let’s get right into it because I’m exhausted and I suspect everyone will be a little hungover tomorrow (today).

The “Spambot” Comment o’ the Week:

10.5 Who cares!!! My boyfriend also agrees with me. He is 110 years older than me, just like Edward is to Bella, lol. We met online at age-gap club — http://AgelessOnly.COM/ - awesome place to pick up the immortal. Maybe you wanna check out or tell your friends. But maybe not, cos your all toolz who dont know tru love when you see it. Ageless boyfriends 4eva. —Spambot4Edward

[New Moon is imminent. Take cover, people, the tweens are taking over the world tomorrow. Little shitheads]

10. Fappy, Vermillion and BSlim. A Charlie’s Angels for our time. They’ve got snappy repartee, romantic tension, and DAMNIT someone has got to clean up after Fappy!

6 seasons on FX. The show jumps the shark when the Vman and BSlim finally hook up.

[Seriously, the screaming fits those two have could feed a writer with years and years of will-they-or-wont-they? And sexual tension. Just make out already.]

[About John “Poophead” Cusack…]

9. At least he doesn’t have to sell anything. Or buy anything. or process anything — as a career, I mean. He didn’t have to do that — he just makes shitty movies like this now. —hater from siloam springs

8. Oh, and can we just skip right past the “country music sucks” and “Maggie Gyllenhaal is ugly” comments? No? Bummer.

Country music is ugly!
Maggie Gyllenhaal sucks!
I am a lobster! —boo


7. Period sex. Yay or nay?

That article wasn’t about sex in Elizabethan costume dramas?! —Lubeg

[oooh boy it wasn’t. Neither was that entire thread. It went on for a while … Good prelude to Paheeba Day, though.]

6. What would be awesome is a movie about Jane Austen characters that discovered that they were raised to be CIA killing machines. Oh Mr. Darcy … here is a shiv I made out of a magazine! Right to the temple. Austen la vista babyee. —Colostomy Baggins

Lizzy would do the cutting, Lydia would titter, Kitty would dither, Jane would say, “Oh, Lizzy, how could you?” and Mary would play the piano, loudly if not well, to cover up Darcy’s screams.

But, not the Colin Firth Darcy. —portland mermaid

[Firth’s Darcy was a total stud. The other one looked kinda wussy.]

5. That is entirely too much goatcrap to swallow in one sitting. Clue, especially, makes me sad. I think I’ve been joking about terrible remakes of ’80s classics and movies based on board games by citing the awesomeness of Clue and how Hollywood should keep their hands off it.

It’s like saying, “Ow, that punch to the face hurt, but at least you didn’t kick me in the dick mitten.”

And then they kick you in the dick mitten. —Cat

[DICK MITTEN. I don’t even know what that means but I just love it so damn much]

4. The Fateful Tale of the Onanist
Twixt hand and peen, a midnight tryst
His hand around his junk did wrap
And from it came the sound, “Fap Fap”. —Fappy McFapperson

Fappy proves my long held theory that compulsive masturbators are secretly frustrated poets. —Lindsey with an ‘e’

We can’t always find a pen, LindsEy. —John Denver’s Wingman

Right, JDW:

“Oh, bless me, I have a deep and beautiful thought I wish to express to the world, to bare my soul, so pause in wonderment … Oh shit, no pen. Oh well, might as well beat off.” I bet this happened to Yeats all. the. time. —Lindsey with an ‘e’

[I’ve noticed LindsEy comments almost more than anyone on the site. And just about everything is gold. Kudos, Ms E.]

3. Hey, Skit. That’s my tat. Your dumb if you don’t like it, no affense, but I love it and u should 2 cuz it was worth the pain. the hole time i was thinking of Edward and daydreamin that he wanted to come and lick the blood droplets of my back evertime the needle poked me, but in my daydream he didnt suck my blood or turn me into a vampire, he just licked the blood tenderly and stared at me like reeeeeeeeeaally intencely, it was so romanticccc swooon ROFLMAO!!! —Sofía

[That went from horrifying to disturbing to hilarious and all the way to just what the fuck, Sofia. I love you.]

[Next, we have a conversation sent from RAAAACE WAAAAAAAAR heaven]

2. So which is more acceptable, black or urban? Whichever it is, I would feel comfortable calling Tyler Perry movies the opposite term if I was a black guy. The more distance you guys can get, the better. —ihopethisisntracist

Sorry for the double post, is ‘you guys’ offensive? I’m sorry, I struggle with these things. If somebody could give a post on acceptability of racial terms it would help me out. I understand ‘you people’ = offensive, but ‘you guys’ seems like a colloquialism, and thus non-offensive. Also black is kosher, right? I’m giving myself a headache. —ihopethisisntracist

Black is kosher. Pork is not. Carry on. -Mrcreosote

My weiner is urban. —Kballs

So, does this mean Karl Urban is black? —Bweaves

[who was ihopethisisn’tracist ? brilliant contribution.]

[And this #1, well…the reasons are manifold but I don’t think anyone will disagree that it’s…well deserved.]

1. Look, I’ve been married for ten years so I don’t particularly care where I get it from or what state of seepage it is/is not in. Hell I’m happy to be able to touch something that isn’t a part of myself, with a part of my self. I don’t really care if its even technically a hole. Some examples:

“I know you’re uncomfortable honey, just lie there and I’ll rub it on the back of your knee.”
“You know, I read that pit-sex can be very erotic.”
“Would you mind if I just kind of rested this on your arm?”
“Looks like you’ve got some waxy build up in that ear”

Suffice to say, somebody please touch me! *weeps* —admin

[And then, this…]

Biiiiiiiiiig round of applause for replica for bringing the AWESOME to Paheeba Day.
*starts slow clap* - Sofía

(that was the left cheek) —admin


(and the right) —admin


And with that … mind-blowing poster yesterday, admin is our undisputed champion this week. The poster and the balls it must’ve taken to get that picture, the sheer confidence that we would all go out of our minds because of it, the comment, the ass clap, the hilarity and on top of it all the wife who must be a true saint to put up with all of that.

So, congratulations, oh great Canadian Moose Knuckle God. It’s about damn time you won this, and there couldn’t have been a better week. So, with a biiiiiiig kudos to Mrs. Admin (who ALSO posed most awesomely for a poster), you win…well…what do you need? Write a list and we’ll get working on it. I think one of the items on the list is going to be baby oil for BabyAdmin because you used it all up in Showgirls. I was gonna suggest some NippleSpark! But I think you got that covered.

Congratulations to everyone on the list, and see you next week. I’m gonna be needing volunteers to take over two or three EEs in a couple of weeks, but I’ll let you all know next Thursday.

David Dobkin Set to Direct Fratboy | Pajiba Love 11/19/09

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.