By Cindy | Eloquent Eloquence | October 22, 2009 |
By Cindy | Eloquent Eloquence | October 22, 2009 |
While it may be slightly premature non-ejaculation, I’d like to extend a hearty welcome to our girl figgy! Welcome to the Obamahouse, and may you never trip over a Bush.
Speaking of welcomes, pull up a chair for this week’s edition of Eloquent Eloquence, where children’s books are bastardized and bucdaddy and Lindsey with an ‘e’ were on fire. I like my comments hard and fast, and Shakespeare wrote that “Brevity is the soul of wit,” so I had this whole plan of having only one-liners. But damn, you people are verbose. Thus, I’ve adapted my delusions of restriction and succumbed to the fabulousness which can only be seen through glazed-over eyes. So without further ado, here are the top ten:
10. In the weekend Comment Diversion thread, responding to “the Pajibian demographic breaks down as something like 2:1 female…”
Most of the commenters here “are” Skitz, the remainder is Skitz posing as a female. BarbadoSlim
[Finally, one of my conspiracy theories corroborated.]
9. For outstanding frog-thought immitation in response to a Pajiba Love video:
That poor frog!
I found it hilarious, of course, but can you imagine what must have been going on in that poor beastie’s head?
“Eat the fly. Eat the fly. Hophophop. Swim. Swim. Swim. OMFG! What the fuck?! What is this?! Oh, foul treachery of circumstance! Why won’t it stop?! WHY? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!” - ZombieNurse
8. A short conversation in the weekend Comment Diversion thread:
gp: Shut up bug-face.
Go lick a parrot or something. - Lindsey with an ‘e’
when i get these tropical-bird-mind-controlling helmets working properly, i’m sending the armada to your house first, tippy-hedren with an ‘e’. — gp
My tennis racket and I will be waiting.
Here birdie-birdie-birdie… — Lindsey with an ‘e’
[Not unlike any given conversation between my brother and me]
7. From the thought provoking “What is God” discussion:
See: “Life Of Brian”. There’s certainly a lot of heresy that gets called “blasphemy”, and I’d think one’s divinity oughta be able to take it and not feel deprived or embattled, and one should follow said divinity’s example and just get on with life. Or, as Bono said, “well, the god I believe in isn’t short of cash”.
I do believe in morality and beneficence, as do other animals who don’t have abstract thought capabilities. Like Eddie Izzard, I believe that there are philosophies, “with some good ideas, and some fucking weird ones” and I suppose I’m in the more Doctor Who side of the spectrum, where everything is natural and scientific in some way, even if you can’t comprehend it from your vantage point, like when Percival thought the knights were angels and God himself cause he didn’t know any better. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong or misguided with just being fascinated by and in love with the universe, even if “the watchmaker” didn’t build it. People like to figure out what’s going on and feel supported, and religion’s done that now for a few thousand years. Every now and then people change their minds on what it’s all about. I can’t knock that instinctive urge, I just personally don’t mind not having the solution. I’d rather be like Carl Sagan and just say “Holy shit, that’s amazing! I have no idea what that is! Maybe we’ll eventually get a better handle on it, but for now…Wow! Look at that!”
And after all, “you cannot go against Nature, because when you do go against Nature, it’s part of Nature too”. Do what ye will but harm none, right? Or, from the theological point of view, as Bill Hicks said, “NOTHING can go against God’s will”. So, relax and just try to be nice and respectful. You feel good and so do others. The apes know this. - Jay
[It’s Jay - need I say more?]
6. Discussing the great balloon debacle in Pajiba Love:
Also, the shamelessness of that dad has me surprised he hadn’t ACTUALLY killed his son and stuffed the little bastard in there, then pitched a show called ‘My Dead Son’, a comedy documetary reality series about the zany antics of a family so ZANY that one of their children NAMED FALCON, fell to his death from a weather balloon
BECAUSE THEY’RE ZANY - Nadine
[I fear this may someday be on the Fox Reality Channel]
5. My favorite of the many fantastic ideas spawned by Eight Children’s Novels that Should Be Adapted for Adults:
The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster
Director: Jon Favreau
Genre: Superhero/Sequel to The Phantom
The Pitch: Billy Zane and Kristy Swanson reprise their roles in this take on the classic superhero cared about only by 80-year-old men who couldn’t afford Batman comics. This time the villains are a bratty child, a dog with a clock in his abdomen, and a car that only goes when you don’t talk. Zane spends the entire movie strip-searching Swanson for three quarters and a dime so they can cross the Bay Bridge.
Tagline: “The Ghost Who Walks Meets a Dog That Talks — This Time It’s Personal.” — socalledonlycousins
[Can someone finance this thing?]
4. Because barely an EE can escape the frenetic thoughts of Mr. Skitz, his thoughts on the Ten Most Generic-Looking Hollywood Actresses:
Wow. Dead-on with the list there, Cap’n D.
Seriously - all ten of those actresses could cover my front lawn with tarp slathered in baby oil and have at each other with a wheelbarrow full of flippity-floppity silicone phalluses, whilst prancing about with suction-cupped Fist Of Adonis’ stuck to their foreheads and I’d not have a clue who they were.
At no point during their four-hour carnal endeavor - while I’d be sitting comfortably on my roof-stool enjoying four fingers of Jameson and shouting out via bullhorn instructions on how to work the straps to the Sodomy Swing - would it even cross my mind to call a friend and say something along the lines of “Hey, you’ll never guess who’s handcuffed and writhing in an inflatable pool full of boysenberry preserves in my yard right now - it’s So-&-So from that hit television show Whatsitsfuck.”
Again, just to be perfectly clear: ALL TEN OF YOU ACTRESSES ARE MORE THAN WELCOME TO COVER MY LAWN WITH A SLIPPERY TARP AND HAVE AT EACH OTHER WITH BATTERY-POWERED WANGDOODLES AND SLOSH AROUND FOR HOURS IN A DORA THE EXPLORER KIDDIE POOL FILLED WITH BERRY JAM BECAUSE IN NO WAY COULD I EVER CALL THE PAPARAZZI AND INFORM THEM THAT YOU’RE AT MY HOUSE HOG-TIED TO THE STRUTS OF A SEX SWING BECAUSE I HONESTLY HAVE NO IDEA WHO ANY OF YOU ARE OR WHAT MOVIES YOU MAY HAVE STARRED IN.
Please contact the publisher of this site for my home address.
Skittimus Maximus Esquire, III - Skitz
[No comment. Well, no comment other than it about killed me to have to include Skitz]
3. From the First R-rated Movie Comment Diversion:
Last of the Mohicans, when I was 9 years old. My family and I were in a small California town at the time and my Mom really wanted to see it, nevermind the fact that she had a 14 year old, a 9 year old and a 7 year old in tow. The theater obviously didn’t care either.
So like any responsible parents they stopped by the liqour store, picked up a bottle of Wild Turkey and took us to the theater. I remember the movie being horribly violent (at least for my 9 year old eyes) and something involving a graphic scalping, or something along those lines.
What I remember really well was my mother drunkenly slurring to everyone in the theater “Do you see, do you see what we did to them, we are such motherfuckers blah blah blah This is their land godamn it.” There were accidental but still incredibly racist statements and completely made up historical events that she just kept talking about. She continued on like that for the whole two hours of the movie. We never went back to that theater again, I think it might have had something to do with the talk the manager had with my Dad when we were leaving.
Ahhh, good times! - ashes
[I’m sorry ashes, but this made me both laugh and cry at the same time. And yes, my mother is also an alcoholic.]
2. To the news that Monica Bellucci and Rachel Weisz will appear in a movie together:
Some of you read this site with your pants on? - , (TCFKAB)
[Naive and funny at the same time? That’s our bucdaddy.]
And finally, for coming up with the ultimate solution to the illiterate, illegitimate and irrational rantings of the mass of Twilight zealouts (who I know would have a super-hot outfit and a giant rack):
1. If I had a superpower, it would be to sterilize people with my mind. Screw flying and super strength and x-ray vision. I want to single-handedly control who gets to reproduce and who becomes an evolutionary standstill.
Just call me Eugenics Girl. Fi
Thank you so much figgy, for entrusting me with your baby this week.
(Unfortunately, there will be no more DVDs awarded in Eloquent Eloquence from now on. Because of the large number of Cannonball Read participants, those monies will have to be put aside for Lil A’s Cannonball Read charity drive. My apologies — y’all will have to settle simply for the honor. — The Management)