Heydilly ho, friends! Wanna see my diddly-ding-dang-doodle?

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | October 15, 2009 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | October 15, 2009 |

Aha. I’m back. So, forget the happy happy, cos I got a bone to pick with you people. Well, first of all thank you so much to Doctor Controversy and admin for taking over while I was on vacation and then when I was almost dying from stress. They were awesome. And as much as I hate to do this again (no, really) I think I might need someone to take over for me next week. It’s very last minute but I have to go out of town and I’m sure there’ll be no internet. I come back Thursday. So, anyone wanna do a last-minute bit of volunteering? After that I should be back every week, but I really need this next week off. It’s just crazy around these parts.

Now, the bones. I’ll try to make this quick (will probably fail), because this is long enough already. First, keep in mind that I’m stressed, exhausted and anxious as hell, so I have had no patience with comments this week. Which brings me to my biggest pet peeve when reading comments: the incessant corrections. Listen, I know that a lot of you guys are big on the proper English and what not. I am, too, to a degree, and I can appreciate it. But seriously, you guys have got to stop with so much of the pedantic correction of mistakes (spelling, grammar, factual, etc) in the posts. I can’t speak for the staffers but goddamn I get tired of reading 10 or 15 comments all pointing out a mistake on a post. It’s condescending as hell and they distract from the discussion. Guys, the staffers are only human (well…maybe not TK) and they make mistakes. It happens. Things slip through spell check. I just groan every time I read any comment that starts out with “I hate to be that person, but…” No, you don’t. You love it. But I don’t. No one likes a pedant who keeps correcting everyone. And one such comment, I get. But after the 5th or 6th I really want to smack a bitch. So, if you feel personally affronted by a spelling mistake and you just have to say something, here’s two things I’m gonna beg you to do before you publish your comment: First, look over the posted comments. At least glance at them. Chances are two or three other anal freaks have already pointed it out. Trust me on this. If they haven’t, OK. Point it out and the staffer usually changes it or apologizes and it’s no big deal. But one such comment is enough. There really shouldn’t be 10 people correcting one mistake. My second suggestion is to just get over it. It just makes putting this list together a lot less fun and even makes me ignore some comments altogether. (Suggestion number three: We really appreciate it when you email us corrections personally, instead of using the comments section to publicly do so. — DR)

Alright, I’m done. Like I said, it’s been a stressful week and I had to say something. I know it won’t stop anyone, but there you go. I needed to vent and rant and why the hell not on here. I should be back to my regular ol’ cheery self soon enough.

Here’s the list to make you forget the above! Pretend it never happened. Except, do. Cos. You know. Anyway. Lots of new faces on the list this week, which always makes me happy.

First, a bonus! Normally I don’t include the comment diversions, but the Halloween costumes one is always hilarious. So here’s a collection of the best comments from that thread. Of course, Skitz just had to show off.

10.5 My nephew wanted to be a washing machine last year. So being the great aunt that I am, I made him a kick-ass front loader with an opening door containing unmatched socks and an electrical cord in the back so he could plug himself into the wall (he insisted upon it). I cleaned out a laundry soap box and lined it with a plastic bag for his goodies. A few times we heard other parents say something along the lines of “that poor child has a detergent box for his candy!” then he turned around and they got it. People took pictures of him all night. So much more fun than a store-bought serial killer mask!

This year his little brother (4 years old) told me he wanted me to make him a parachuter costume which I heard incorrectly as “pooper shooter”. I told him he was already a pooper shooter and I wasn’t sure how to make a costume like that. —Jiffyzen

I’m designing a cardboard chimney with a pig snout on the front of it … you know … Swine Flue. —laredo

I was all set to make my daughter an Octomom costume (it was her idea). I was going to make her eight arms (out of stuffed pantyhose and baling wire) and attach eight Dollar Tree baby dolls to it. Then we’d make her big fake puffy lips and she could walk around with a snotty attitude, expecting people to give her stuff.

The best part? Each “baby” was going to carry a little trick-or-treat bag.

But sadly, as I informed her this was her last year of trick-or-treating (next year she’ll be in high school), she opted for simpler costume. —Wednesday

I’m gonna go as Pookie, but change my name every couple of houses.

I’m going to be wearing a pair of 3D glasses and chuck oversized meatballs at people. Hopefully, the weather will be relatively cloudy or the whole thing just goes to shit …

I’m gonna cover myself head-to-toe in ShamWows and be the Defender Of Dryness. —Skitz [and he had a lot more…]

I was planning on going as a combo of swollen glands, face rash, and unusual loss of hair but scrapped it. Have you seen Halloween costume winners? They’re never lupus! —branded

[if you don’t get that last, it’s a “House” reference.]

10. My thoughts take the form of limericks.

1. There once was a film about chipmunks
They want us to think they are hip hunks
But just watch and it shows,
You can see that it blows
A profusion of rodent-sized shit chunks.

2. A magical man we’ll call Terry
Are his films surreal? Oh, yes, very.
This one ‘bout Parnassus,
We won’t let it pass us,
Looks marvelous if just a bit scary. —Cat

9. When computers were still new and scary, I saw that movie and thought, “Fucking sweet. They’re killing the aliens with a computer virus.”

Then, a few years ago, I watched it again (when computers were no longer new and scary). I thought, “Fucking gay. They’re killing the aliens with a computer virus.” What technology is new and scary that they can defeat the aliens with this time? Texting? Battery powered cars? Seedless watermelons (don’t feign bravery in the face of such a monstrosity).

Will Smith: DAMN it’s easy to text to Bill Paxton since they took the seeds out my watermelon!

Jeff Goldblum: Well, um…do you, uh, think we’re going to be, um, able to get to the white house in time, to um, help stop the alien invasion? Um…

Will Smith: HELL YEAH! My car runs on batteries! You saw my blinker bitch!

Lame. —superasente

[a few seconds later…]

Please infer no racial meaning to Will Smith eating seedless watermelon. —superasente

8. Ha. I wrote my senior college research thesis on COPS. I graduated COLLEGE by observing the implications of class, race, and societal perception by watching 100 episodes in a screening room.

…this is the same show I used to watch for hours on end, sitting on my couch, eating Cheetos and not wearing pants.

Let it be said, here and now, that not only did I receive an A on this thesis, but I was the only one to pack the mass media hall during thesis presentation day. I was also the only one to make an entrance while “Bad Boys” played over the loud speakers. Thank you very much. —Kristen

[No pants during “Cops” AND that thesis idea? Brilliant.]

7. i WILL NOT play that video.

videos of dogs saying ‘i love you’, videos of cats saying things like ‘mama’ or ‘i see you’, those types of videos you can just keep to yourself, miss stacy jean nosek! talking animals only talk because they are possessed by demons and i WILL NOT invite Hell into my house just because you think it’s cute.

I SAID, GOOD DAY. —gp

[Hee. And aww…I was planning on trying to teach my dumb dog Angus, who looks exactly like an Ewok, to say ‘Yub yub!’. But then people would either not get it or think he’s posessed. Plus, he’s a dumb pile of hair. Ah, well.]

6. While watching Gremlins on Telemundo last night, I discovered that Chris Columbus wrote it.

I wish Macaulay Culkin had been trapped home alone with the gremlins instead of Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern. And then they murdered him with ingenious shenanigans that easily trumped whatever household booby traps he could devise. And then one of the gremlins mocked his corpse by putting the palms of its hands to its cheeks with mouth agape. And then they ate him. —DarthCorleone

[What I’m wondering is why the hell were you watching Gremlins on Telemundo? Was it dubbed? A dubbed gremlin is ridiculous!]

5. My friends’ son used to cry and freak out whenever he saw black people. It was pretty embarrassing because it would happen at church and stuff and make the parents look like raging racists.

So his parents started making him watch “Yo Gabba Gabba” to get him used to black people. And it totally worked!

But now he’s afraid of clowns. 0—Jelina

[They should make him watch “It”!]

4. Now that I’ve thought about zombies possibly pooping, I have some other questions.

Do you think that after Wolfman poops, he flicks grass over it just like any other dog?
Does Dracula just piss blood all of the time?

Does Frankenstein’s Monster have a penis? Did Dr. Frankenstein make sure it wasn’t a syphilis-tainted wang before he dug it out of the ground and sewed it on?

[…and later]

Okay, so Frankenstein’s Monster has a penis. And he has a Bride. So, she has the bajingo of a dead woman. How does one transplant a bajingo from one crotch to another? Did Igor and the Dr. have to saw through a chastity belt to get to the goods or did they just go for some graves near the ol’ whorehouse and call it a night? —Pinky McLadybits

[I…I don’t even know where to start. I’m just gonna leave it alone.]

3. What’s next, will Flanders pose for Playgirl?

Heydilly ho, friends! Wanna see my diddly-ding-dang-doodle? —Ned Flanders

[I don’t know who this was but I know I almost ruptured something laughing so hard. You know he would say it, too. So, who was it?]

2. I’m confused, is Dustin also socalled?

Have you ever seen us in the same place at the same time? I mean, aside from the unfortunate Ryan Reynolds circle jerk incident. —socalledonlycousins

— aside from the unfortunate Ryan Reynolds circle jerk incident.

Now I know you two aren’t the same person. Dustin wouldn’t call that “unfortunate”. —L.O.V.E.

[Touche.] Ditto. — DR

1. 22 years? Feels like this has been on for about 40 years. All that being said, it is my goal as an old lady to be arrested at some point while drunken, shoeless, and with exactly one tit hanging out of my sequined tank top. I’ve never been arrested in my life and I’m saving it up for that. I’m thinking at some point in my 70s. Because then I can also scream shrilly about how the cuffs are hurting me and I’ll be an old lady with that one sad tit hanging out like wet sand in the foot of pantyhose and the big burly handsome cops will want to look away because they’ll realize through listening to me even in my drunken state how intelligent I am and feel sad and wonder how I got to the point I’m at, what has happened in my life and if I was pretty when I was young (yes).

All of this will be on COPS, which will be in its 156th season. So look for me. I will probably still be dying my hair dark brown and, at that point, doing Amy Winehouse-style eye makeup. —Snuggiepants the Deathbringer

*****

Good Godtopus. I have never read of a more magnificent life goal than this. It’s just … it fills my heart with joy and beauty of it all.

I think it was the “exactly one tit hanging out” bit that did it. That won it. Perked it up, if you will. Brought it abreast of the rest. Nippled it?

Congratulations, Snuggiepants! Pajiba is a greater place because of you and your dreams. I seriously hope you do it one day.

For your magnificence and sheer hilarity, I award you Hot Fuzz on DVD. Best cop comedy of … recent years. I just watched it the other day and loved it, anyway. There’s no tits or people in wife-beaters, but it does have Simon Pegg, and he’s just as good. Please send your mailing info and a sequined top to dustin at pajiba dot com, and he can model it for all of us and show us how he smiles with his eyes. Muchas felicidades, Snuggiepantos Magnificos!

Before I close I’d just like to add a thanks to Michael Murray for inspiring two great EE comments this week with his Trashy TV column. It brings out the best in us.

Oh, and if you’d like to volunteer for next week’s EE, please leave your name on the comments. First come first serve.

Also:

HONDURAS IS IN THE WORLD CUP, BITCHES!

Figgy wants you to care about soccer, dammit. And to stop correcting people.