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Elouquent Elouquence: Canadian Edition

By Admin | Eloquent Eloquence | October 8, 2009 |

By Admin | Eloquent Eloquence | October 8, 2009 |

You bastards! I can’t believe what I’ve been reading. Every time someone takes over the EE all of you people start with the bribery and the offering of favors and the kissing of ass. What do I get? Nothing. Not a goddamn thing. Nobody offered to give me an Angry Eskimo, no one offered a New Brunswickian Moose Job. No Leaky Snow Mobiles, no Crouching Beaver - Hidden Poutine and certainly no Tuktoyaktuk Trouser Tango. What the fuck people? I’m Canadian, not horribly disfigured (at least no more than your average Canadian who likes to wrestle polar bears and seduce the odd moose). Why can’t I get some ‘Jiba love? What? That’s not a rash, that’s a birthmark. All Canadians have them. Why do you think our flag is red and white with more red in the middle? Yes we have to apply a medicated cream daily to prevent it from spreading but it’s totally normal and not contagious at all. Unless you have skin.

This week was chock full of fun. Thankfully, Dustin decided that we didn’t need any more controversy and gave me a light week . A little more Letterman, an intelligent discussion spawned by an Ewe Boll movie of all things, a Boomer vs. X slap fight caused by a fantastically written review of Forrest Gump and BSlim using emoticons. That smiley face is terrifying! Does he really mean it? Is he being sarcastic? Is he going to sneak into my home and teabag me while I sleep? *Shudder* All this kerfluffel caused a wealth of comments and I swear upon the Holy Beaver, it is fucking impossible to pick ten of you brilliant deviants to list.

2195 comments people! Do you understand how difficult that is? Do you know what it’s like reading that many comments by candlelight? Never mind trying to read them on a ten-year-old computer I found on a trip to Plentywood. The kids are exhausted from six days of eight-hour shifts turning the crank on the generator and I’m pretty sure my wife has moved into the igloo next door due to my inattention to her needs. Hey, who’s got time to harpoon a seal when you’re working for Dustin and Figgy? Nonetheless I did manage to get Elouquent Elouquence: Canadian Edition done and submitted on time. I’ve got to admit that it was difficult to do because you people speak a language that is disturbingly lacking in U’s. Wednesday night I found that I was falling behind so I did what any patriotic, brilliant and dashingly handsome Canadian male would do. I printed out all the comments, cut them up individually and made them into a big pile. Then I did the Safety Dance, sacrificed an innocent Ellsinore to the Goddess Celine and sang the chorus to Sk8ter Boi. Then I stripped down to my toque and snowshoes, slathered myself in maple syrup and jumped the fuck in. The winners were the comments that stuck to my stick, pucks and goal, if you know what I mean. I actually had to use a pair of tongs to find number one.

The top ten, eh:

10.While on a study break for my damned test in the am, I pause by my beloved Pajiba to see that twatwaffle, Farve. AP damned well better get touches, you spotlight hogging, attention whore. I blame Farve for stifling AP during the first few weeks of this NFL season and costing me 3 games. Farve is a self-promoting, egotistical jackass. The only separation from him and that other “I’ll retire this year. No wait, next year. I just love the game.” assclown and object of my substantial rage, Roger Clemens, is that Farve hasn’t been accused of jamming the needle in the old ass cheek. Fuck you Farve. You sit there with that whole, “It’s not revenge.” bullshit. If your scheme of going to play for the Packer’s arch-nemesis isn’t about revenge, then I’m the fucking Queen of England.
Seriously, shut the hell up, you painkiller addiction having, Sears and Wrangler shilling, backwoods Mississippi, smirking bastard. ~ Melody ~

[Sports, hate and a pretty lady? I’m in love.]

9. I’m looking at the header pic and dreamily wondering how wonderful it would be if I had an arm 4 feet long so I could slap all those motherfuckers in one go. Just *SWOOP* and they’d all be crying on the floor like the bitches they are.


Sorry. I just really, really fucking hate Entourage. ~ Figgy ~

8.That video reminds me of my wedding day: Lots of fear and yelling and some hairy thing playing the piano. ~ Kballs ~

[At about 1:00am at my wedding, I had the same thing happen. I wasn’t playing the piano, but a part of me was.]

7. Wanna know why my mom will fuck your mom up with a hatchet and then piss in her face, the whole time, wearing a shit eating grin?

Cuz my mom is 60 years old and DYING to see this.

14 of us going tonight…and she makes 15. She loved Shaun of the Dead …says it’s one of her favorite movies ever. And she said she knew the moment she saw the trailer for this one that it would be a blast.

Go ahead…make all the “I fucked your mom” jokes you want. Cuz I know yer lying…and you only wish you could find a woman as cool. Hope all the poozies out there enjoy renting Sex and the City with their lame ass girlfriends for the 9th time. Cuz my girl will be sitting next to me grabbing my nutsack with glee…and my mom will be two more seats over…without a clue. ~ PissBoy ~

[An awesome mother and an attentive girlfriend? Lucky bastard.]

6. To paraphrase a very valuable lesson from the classic Timecop: the same attention-whoring matter can’t occupy the same attention-whoring space at the same attention-whoring time, attention whores. ~ branded ~

[branded you ignorant slut!]

5. Batman: “Ok, Superman, this bomb’s set to go off in 20 minutes! We’ve got to evacuate these people! I’m gonna use this gadget to find-“

Superman shoves the bomb up his ass and detonates it with his intestines. He farts a little black cloud of smoke and flies away, giggling. ~ Laredo ~

[We all know that this is exactly how it would happen.]


Doot doodly doo, doot doodly doo!

Out of a secret garden, somewhere in Germany, comes your newest favorite super hero!

It is I, Human Centipede!
Built with hot girls, and a Japanese
Eating crunchy human waste is good for me
And it’s good for you, so eat it too
No need to chew, it’s done for you
Eat urine, blood, and feces by the bunch
Three cheers for me, Human Centipede!
Munch, munch, munch!

~ Human Centipede ~

[I will never look at Captain Vegetable the same way again]

3.i’ve explained my pajiba-on to people in RL as such: even if i think whichever reviewer is dead-wrong, i know it’s an honest reaction to what they’ve put the effort into experiencing.

it’s that honesty, the unpretty brutal truthy opinion, that i crave.

a pajunkie, if you will.

(also, if ‘pajunkie’ should ever make it into the revised dictionary, i also want to copywrite ‘pajonka-jonk’ ‘pajiggy wit it’ and ‘pajejune’ before anyone else) ~ gp ~

[my spell-check says that that statement is all kinds of wrong. Obviously, spell-check doesn’t have a pajonka-jonk.]

2. The Rock. In tights. Count me in.

Also, I SO want to be Julie Andrews when I hit that age. Except I already have more wrinkles than she does. I demand to know where she finds the virgins whose blood she’s drinking. ~ Cuca ~

Kindergarten. Its about the only place you can find virgins anymore. ~DeistBrawler ~

[Kindergarten Cop was obviously just a front for the harvest.]

And because I love me some righteous indignation……

1. I’d like people to stop assuming women aren’t capable of consent in a situation with a man in power. Power is an aphrodisiac, not a roofie. Women sleep with powerful men for many reasons, and one of those reasons is because it is hot and we might, you know, want to.

I am not defending anything, any more than I defended Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky — what they did was inappropriate at best (and gross at worst). But I never once thought Monica wasn’t capable of saying “No” or walking away — and I think Dave’s staffers were probably big girls, too. Dave obviously is a weak man in this capacity, and that sucks. But I haven’t heard anything implying coercion or force, so I still think it’s a problem between Dave and his wife. Sometimes women want to bang a dude in power, and sometimes that dude is too weak to do the right thing. That doesn’t automatically mean the dude was preying on poor, defenseless women. Chances are, those women are fully formed adults capable of making their own moral decisions. ~ Tammy ~

Tasty, tasty truth, and so many U’s! Tammy if you were Canadian, you would be awarded a lifetime supply of poutine. Since you’re not, you’ll have to settle for a DVD that’s either about Canada, or has a Canadian actor (I suggest The Notebook). You may select your prize from but it has to be under $20.00 CDN. That converts into approximately $518 in monopoly money or $3.76 American. Send your details to Dustinatpajibadotcom and he’ll hook you up.

Our Mistress Figgy will be resuming her imperial duties next week but I’d like to give her a big Saskatchewanian Knuckle Bump as a thank you. What’s a SKB? You’ll just have to come on up here and find out.

Neeeeeeeeear… faaaaaaaaar … whereeeeeeevvvvveerrrr …youuuu arrrrrrrrre…..