By dammitjanet | Eloquent Eloquence | August 27, 2009 |
By dammitjanet | Eloquent Eloquence | August 27, 2009 |
Happy Thursday, fellow denizens of Pajibaland! It is I, dammitjanet, the surrogate for Her Majesty Figgy this week, and the recipient of this honor as a wedding gift. I do thank you all once again for your kind wishes. What a week this has been! Its been dominated by clowns, zombies, and poop devices. Skitz and PissBoy very nearly made me lose my job with some of their comments … snorting in my cube while co-workers wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Kingsize killed off more brain cells than I could count, Cindy giving me great advice about dealing with “THE CURSE” and so on and so on.
Yup, it’s been a hell of a week. I had 24 PAGES of comments saved. TWENTY-FOUR 8 1/2 by 11 pages of Word documents with only a .5 margin! And I was supposed to weed that down to only 10 comments? Are you fucking kidding me? So, I pleaded (pled?) my case to our Overlord Dustin (YOU HAVE ULTIMATE POWER!!) and got permission to include 15. ‘Cause 10 just wasn’t gonna cut it. You people are sick and twisted and incredibly funny. I salute you all!
By the way, I tried reading some of these to Mr. Dammit last night, completely out of context, to show him the level of filth and snark I was dealing with. He listened politely as I cried and laughed my way through some of them, then calmly looked at me and asked, “So, how long do you have this?” Yeah, we’ve been married a month and I think he is beginning to doubt his decision, thanks to you assbags.
Figgy, my dear, I hope you are safely home in Honduras. What you must go through on a weekly basis! Jesus, your place must look like the garden shed of John Nash, with papers and clippings and highlighters and sting everywhere. I have enjoyed the hell out of this week, and would love to contribute other pieces to Pajiba. But I am now convinced the EE takes a special kind of insanity. You ARE the Queen!!
And now, here, my fiends, is my list of the 15 comments that made me snort Diet Mt. Dew onto my computer monitor:
OH! The added SpamBot Bonus comment of the week!
15.5) I dated a few cougars in my day and loved it. No drama, great sex and I was not paying for everything all the time. It was really chill. Try this out:
**== Cougarster.com ==**
But let me tell all you young guys that want a cougar. eat your veggies and hit the gym cause they will ware you out. —Kyle
[Umm, speaking as a cougar myself, I am not sure how to take this. I … have no response to that.]
15) Is it wrong that the first thing I thought of was how much the Poop Collector looks like some sort of bondage harness used for a suspension fetish? Or at the the very lest…assless dog chaps?
Great! Looks like Pepper, my black lab, is gonna need himself some alone time. Walking around in that thing all afternoon at the park. The lipstick pops out and then I have to get him home. Down the basement we go so i can clip him up to the ceiling so he can get the full satisfaction of his doggy hard-on.
Coming soon….Poop Collector harness with choker collar attachment…for your poopie-suspension-oxygen deprivation fetished dogs (usually some sort of asian breed).
At least I know what to send David Carradine’s dog for christmas. The dog’s that like INXS will save money though because they just need a plastic bag. —PissBoy
[There are….no words for how inappropriate this is…]
14) Forbittendonut and Cindy:
I like your Modified Script, but I’d like to add one thing, if I may.
Modified Modified Script: In My Pants
Oscar-winner Charlize Theron plays Sylvia, a beautiful restaurant manager whose cool, professional demeanor masks the sexually charged storm within. When a stranger from Mexico (Adult Film Award winner, Forbiddendonut) confronts her with her mysterious past, Sylvia is overwhelmed by his sexual power and prowess. Sylvia says, “I’d nail you like a board over a broken window during a zombie invasion.” Ironically, their torrid affair is cut short when Sylvia is eaten alive by zombies. —BWeaves
13) There is one golden point about IB and that is that the utterly bizarre scene with Mike Myers reminds us the horror that would have been Austin Powers 4: Austin Fights the Nazis. —alphawhiskey
[Can we all just agree with this one?]
12) What the fuck? Did no one see Ponyo? Ponyo wants ham! And now she can’t buy any ham because no one went to see her movie! Now she’s gonna have to turn tricks on Ste. Catherine to pay for her delicious ham addiction.
Please don’t let me on this site when I’m drunk. —Jeremy Feist
11) BWeaves- ‘Twatter’
Now that I would sign up for.
Is that what vaginas use to text their thoughts out to the world?
(I’m thinking it would read like Cookie Monster. Me want to eat that penis.) —Cindy
[Come on…say it like Cookie Monster and tell me that doesn’t work. ME WANT PENIS!!]
10) never finished HWoSG. eggers can suck it.
on a related note: a friend and i always scream out “YOU SHALL KNOW OUR VELOCITY!” when we are drunk. —gp
[I have absolutely no idea what that means…..but it sounds funny as hell…probably because I was drinking when I read it.]
9) The PooTrap. Because making your dog look like it’s walking around with a prolapsed colon is much more dignified than making you bend down to pick up after it.
Why not just feed them balloons so that the poop comes out prepackaged? We could call it the Balloop (patent pending, vet surgeries not included). —branded
[(see, lots of poop around here this week!)]
8) Someday, I’m going to get a large enough purse to get in a box of Count Chocula. That will be a happy, happy day. —Anna von Beaverplatz
[Oh, so many of us sneak in our own snacks, but this was my favorite.]
7) Dobby had it coming. —idiosynchronic
[Amidst all the love for the characters and sadness over the losses of those we loved, was this … }
6) Before I even read this, I just want you to know that the clown scared me so bad I almost threw up. Now to scroll up ever so carefully, never going all the way to the top and glimpsing that painted hell-beast again. — Pinky McLadybits (aka Dangle McGee)
[ya da dadadada dada da da dum …]
5) I’ve always thought that if Roethlisberger weren’t a superhero quarterback he looks like he’s be the assistant to the guy putting a new roof on your house. And he wouldn’t be very good at it.
“Dammit to hell, Ben, I told you to haul those shingles up the ladder. Now if I catch you smoking doobie out behind the heat pump one more time …” — , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy)
[As a confirmed Steeler hater/Colts fan, I can absolutely see this in Big Ben’s future.]
4) Stupid babies, laying around, living off of other peoples fluids and contributing nothing to society. Get a fucking job, baby! Be part of the solution. —admin
3) Is this an invitation to imagine a remake? I think so! Were I to be consulted, then, I’d suggest something along these lines.
I’d go dark, if only to purge the memories of Stiller. I mean, of course, dark like “Se7en,” where we have only six light bulbs in the world, and they are all 15 watts, and it rains all day every day, except when pretty blondes get their heads sawed off. By doing this, the nostalgia for Mary is also about the recovery of a brighter (better lighted) past! And we save on lighting. Cha-ching!
The brother would be a little bit like Leatherface, and he would periodically be seen in the background doing something grotesque. For instance, when re-staging the scene in Mary’s apartment, I might have him in the background, playing chess with human teeth. I’d allow the camera, standing in for those binoculars, to linger on the teeth. In the way that cameras used to linger.
So the scene with the fishing lure? Nasty! Dude loses his jaw.
The humor would still be slapstick, but more like the Hills Have Eyes. I.e., it would be unintentionally funny. The remake, of course.
Total Body Count = 30
I might also make it an all girl cast. Grrr.
Does she get the girl? Yes, but as they recline in bed, eager to requite their passions, we see the brother under the bed. Holding a pair of pliers (for the teeth, you see). So perhaps they die.
Just a thought. Or a few thoughts. I mean, horror is just a more durable genre. —Lance
[I am buying tickets for this NOW!]
[This was an entire conversation, so I am only including parts of it. The very last comment was the last one I read to Mr. Dammit last night, and I am sure, as I tried to breathe and read through my tears of laughter, the one that made him doubt both my sanity and his decision to cleave to me for the rest of his life:]
2. Sorry…..if this wets your appetite you must be a Nolan fanboy.
His take on the dark night was a traversty of overblon nonsense - the bathbike - please!!!!!!!!!!!! omg!
He is an stupid enlishman who does not now what is to be the Batman - really, lol!
This looks like stupid stuff, and the cast omg!
Leo de caprio - overated
Mikeal Caine - old
No doubt it will apeal to all thos who thought dark night was da bomb! it wasent, it was boring. —kingsize
Ah the bathbike, allowing The Batman to arrive squeaky clean to all crime scenes. —Carrie
I think that Kingsize makes some astute observations. When I watched The Dark Knight for the first time, I turned to my friend Jodie and LOL’d for 10 minutes. I also LMAOROTFLAGALDATSOCBDB. That’s “laughed my ass off, rolled on the floor laughing, and got a little damp at the sight of Christian Bale’s delicious biceps.” —Julie
Sweet flopsack, kingsize. I’m hoping you’re either inebriated as all get out or you’ve suffered a massive stroke in the How I Spell part of your brain. Jesus Moses, Wendel types more coherently than that, and he’s a fucking tumor with basic motor functions. I’ve blacked out face-down on my keyboard and awoke to find something better written than that. Jeezum sacksquatch, I think you’re looking for Aint It Cool News, brother - the only thing you were missing on that glorious rant of your was “frist bitchs!!!”.
I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. The bathbike wasent most certainly not da bomb! —Skitz
[And finally, our #1. When I read this, I LOL’ed, I LMAO’ed, I very nearly ROFL! I completely pissed off my entire family as they attempted to watch an NCIS rerun in the background, and I DIDN’T CARE!! I just hope she made it safely through the night:]
1) NO!!NO ROWLES!! FUCK YOU MAN!FUCK YOU!! THAT IS NOT OKAY!THAT IS NEVER OKAY!!! I AM ALONE IN MY GODDAMN HOUSE UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT YOU MOTHERFUCKING BASTARD AND NOW ON TOP OF BURGLARS, CATS(ALLERGIC), BATS(RABIES) BIRDS OF PREY, TERRORISTS, SENTIENT PLANT CREATURES, ALIENS, THE BOOGEYMEN, GHOSTS, POLTERGEISTS, FIRE, THE UNDEAD, VAMPIRES,SUFFOCATION, CHOKING, GETTING TRAPPED INSIDE, THE CLOWNS IM ALREADY CONVINCED IM HERE, SPIDERS, DADDY LONG LEGS, UNUSUALLY LARGE MOTHS AND THAT STRANGE SOUND I KEEP HEARING THAT SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE SOME ONE WALKING AROUND OUR SPACIOUS AND EASILY ACCESIBLE AND EASY TO HIDE IN ATTIC, I HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FUCKING MOVIE CLOWNS?!???????????
Nadine, in honor of the brilliant way you so very carefully listed all your fears and phobias, I want to present you with a movie about a man who manages, in the face of adversity, to overcome so many fears and phobias of his own…..the hilarious Joe Vs. the Volcano. Seeing how Tom Hanks overcomes his painful diagnosis and fears of … well, damn near everything can be an inspiration to you. May Godtopus keep you safe in her tentacles.
Thanks again to Figgy, Dustin and all of you insane motherfuckers. Figgy will be back with your regularly scheduled twattery next week. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need a Handy Wipe.