film / tv / politics / social media / lists / web / celeb / pajiba love / misc / about / cbr
film / tv / politics / web / celeb


Bevy of Hoochies

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | August 20, 2009 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | August 20, 2009 |

OK people. I’m very tired tonight. I’m going back home to Honduras on Sunday and I’m already stressing out about what the next fuck up over there is going to be and I just found out that even beginning to plan a wedding is beyond fucking terrifying (particularly when you’re like me and can barely plan a single meal consisting of a sandwich and juice) and it’s all kinda getting to me. Just a quick rundown: We talked funny scenes (that list is fantastic, go check it out), there was a discussion on isms on pajiba love (it freaks me out when it’s not all boobs in that place), George is probably going into TK’s basement forever, there was time traveling and all the usual shennanigans. And I really should’ve outsourced the job for this week because I was way behind on all the threads and it drives me crazy when that happens.

As it is, I’m outsourcing next week’s. Almost immediately after last week’s EE went up two crazies jumped up and volunteered to take on the job. What the fuck is wrong with you, Doctor Controversy and dammitjanet? Well …I know Janet’s just plain ol’ nutcrackers, and the Doctor’s classy but insane. So that’s what’s wrong. Anyway, I’ve decided to give it to dammitjanet this time as she’s previously won the EE and besides, she’s getting married and needs a good present. Doc, you get it next time. So, crazy Janet, your mission should you choose to accept it is to send me an email and I’ll send you an email with all the details and everything you need. Hint: It involves booze and possibly a shaman.

Here’s the list.

First, a “spambot extra.” I don’t put these on the actual list because I don’t know who wrote them, and don’t want to displace anyone on it. So they’re extras.

10.5. Haha President Lincoln was yes a tall man. Looking for other tall men? Come to **T a ll l o v i n** to start a beautiful love with your own Mary Todd. Sign up for your free profile today. Sic semper amor! — Abe

10. Little known Ryan Reynolds fact: When they finish shooting all of his scenes for a movie, he always makes the Assistant Director announce, “that’s a Reynolds Wrap” —laredo

9. Oh, when I saw Butter Flavor Crisco, I read “Butter Flavor Prisco” and thought we should ask that witty GF if such a thing exists! —Stacy D

[God this cracked me the hell up. I can’t even explain why. Maybe I just love horrible jokes.]

8. Ian McEwen re-writes Star Wars:

Luke and Leia realize they are brother and sister, but still decide to knock boots. They must hide their forbidden love. Luke steals the frozen Solo - who has a man-crush on straw-haired Luke - and installs it in the ceiling over the bed that he and Leia share. In the final scene, as la famille Skywalker sweats it up, two tons of frozen Solo halt the proceedings. Fur-evah. Solo can be heard weeping as the credits roll. —Lance

[My favorite of the Rewriting Movie Endings thread. It’s. so. Terrifying.]

7. God, Trebek. That dirty Canadian, with a COLLEGE education. Who does he think he is, properly pronouncing words and being all intellectual and stuff?
Methinks someone, and I’m not naming names here but his name rhymes with Schmichael Furry, is a little Napoleon today. —SaBrina

By the way, that kind of attitude got Bush elected. I’m not saying anything, I’m just saying.

[I find Trebek kind of terrifying. With the dead eyes and the Voice of Judgment and you can tell that inside he’s making fun of everyone and probably wants to kill something. He scares me.]

6. Lizzie, do as we Canadians do. Ask him to meet you at the annual Moose Knuckle and Rendered Reindeer Fat Wrestle-A-Thon and challange him to a match. Be sure to use every weapon you can, from the hockey stick to the beaver tails, but be sure to do it in a sly, teasing way. Perhaps a playful slap on the antler with a snow shoe or a sensual prod with the harpoon. Then, when you’re both tired from your flirty death-play and laying on the floor covered in grease and maple syrup, ask him if he would like to get something to eat from Canada’s most sucessful restaurant: Nanook’s Deep Fried Poutine and Yellow Snow Emporium.

As a matter of being polite, you should ask if he needs to visit the local medical igloo first. They may not be able to heal him but they make an excellent flapjack. I swear to god, this is how the Mrs. and I met. And conceived our first child. —admin

[Sheesh. Admin is on this thing like every week. I try not to, because then people are gonna be all ‘waah Miss Figgy has favorites’ but I can’t help it. He’s so damn talented.]

5. I’ve found that the length of time before its release that a movie starts being heavily promoted and the amount of pre-release promotion it gets tends to have an inverse quality to the quality of the movie. Like when studios have a big fat stinking turd on their hands, they think that if they start telling us about it 6 months out, we’ll be dumb enough to look out of sheer curiosity.

6 months out: Coming this Winter: Turd.

5 months out: Advance photos from large intestine where the turd is being made.

4 months out: Interviews on the making of turd, and how the creator feels about it (“a big gassy, most of the time”)

3 months out: A “teaser trailer” is released, with more photos to accompany it (“An ass like no other, will give us… turd. This winter.”)

2 months out: The first teaser trailer has been accompanied by two other “teaser” trailers, and an on set interview with the main star of the film; fiber (“It’s a great feeling, you know? All the components coming together. It feels like we were meant for this.”)

1 month out: Every available marketing space is plastered with pictures. There’s an Activia and Taco Bell tie in promotion. There are currently three teaser and four full length trailers on the internet in addition to several hundred “behind the scenes” photos and 15 different interviews.


Day of release: It’s a turd. Is anyone surprised?

—Genny (actually Rusty now)

[You’ll be getting a call from Studio Marketing Company soon, Rusty. They want smart brains like yours. Either that or to kill you for seeing through their ruse.]

4. Top 10 cliches signalling a horrible movie seen in that trailer:

1) Impossibly young ditz is employed as a curator at a top museum despite the fact she’s not even old enough to have her MFA

2) Someone say’s “My bad”

3) Obligatory wedding scene with quirky locals: extra points for the bitter nonna dressed in black

4) Standard shot of Coliseum to let us know we are in Rome

5) Oh look, they have quirky small cars that fit in elevators over there!!

6) Trite working in of non-existent “local tradition” to play for comedy (I’m waiting for the French or Italians to make a rom-com that makes fun of the US “tradition” of the bride and groom stuffing food in each other’s mouths: look they’re Americans, they start working toward obesity on their wedding day)

7) All New Yorkers jog through town in the middle of the day and no-one becomes irritated with them for getting in their way

8) Choice of suitors is from a range of deviants and half-wits or Mr. Perfect

9) All girls love to wade into fountains that the gypsies have just peed in wearing beautiful expensive dresses, simply in pursuit of something to find them a man

10) Attractive, over-employed blonde is nothing without a husband —PaddyDog

[Paddy’s gonna be Rusty’s go-to soldier for the trailer distribution part of the Turd Production.They’ll make millions]

3. godtopus knows i’d blow timur bekmambetov for the asking, but i was hoping this would be about a black superhero with, you know, lightning powers.

and a plunging disco neckline.

and some catch-y punchline, like “sweet christmas!”

and a bevy of hoochies.

(wait, is a ‘bevy of hoochies’ the proper phrase?) —gp

[Bevy of Hoochies will be the name of my band.]

[This almost won. Almost. It was so damn close. It just killed me. It was in the New Moon trailer thread.]

2. OMG! I just totally got home to visit my family and logged on to the computer in my room which was like totally screwed becuz of a virus and is really slow and the speakers didnt work so like, I had NO SOUND OMG and I saw the trailer was up and I was like DAD I cant watch Buffmatron McGee get all beastial on Bella and he was like SUCH AN ASSHOLE to me and didnt even get that this is like MY LIFE. he was just like “OMG your 27 and, like, a GUY”

And I’m like What. The. Fuck. Ever.

Totally —TSF

[And then…just…this. By virtue of effort, and eloquence, and just plain, flat-out hilarity — in reference to Lizzieborder’s online dating advice:]

1. Holy shit andro…way to suck the fun out of it.

I say fuck that Lizzie.

1. Find the hottest piece you can. The good guys tend to have spikey faux-hawks, pink popped collars, white baseball caps, and love making the kissy-douche face at the camera.

2. Lie. About everything. Even your name. make it something unusual like “Cleophis Sneakerpimp Magnadoodle, III”

3. Post a funny pick like picture of a poorly dressed tranny or something cute-funny like a baby panda falling out of a basket of crumpled tissues. And if anyone asks…that’s your pet panda named ‘Max.’ He’s cute, but suffers from a violent form of IBS.

4. Invite the dude to the park, and stalk him silently from the bushes. If you don’t like what you see you can either run away without consequence or throw rocks at him from the cover of nature. If you do like what you see, be sure to carry a trank-gun and some duct tape so you can make a quiet and struggle-free getaway, booty in tow.

5. When you do meet. Test his mettle. Constantly twitch and flail your arms, randomly screaming somthing about psychotic monkeys with scissors. See if he can handle the random.

6. If things start to get uncomfortable, freak out. Chase him. Why bother with an escape plan when being psychotic would be much more fun, and inevitably, as he flees in terror, you’re sure to find a proper exit.

7. Steal his cell phone as soon as he sits down and throw it into your complementary glass of water. If he laughs, then offer him a new phone full of candy. If he is offended grab his wrist as terribly hard as you can, pull him towards you, and tell him you didn’t want the government triangulating your position.

8. Smile, relax, and try to have fun. —PissBoy


or…Or….OR…everything you say could be LACED with sexual undertones, with a gut-punch at the end.

Profession? Massager manufacturer

What do I like to do with my free time? Work with my hands.

What’s your favorite smell? Hand lotion and astro glide.

Favorite food? Hot Dogs in buns.

Favorite Movie? Threesome, Wild Things, Behind the Green Door, 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up

Favorite Book? Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex but Were Afraid to Ask, Knocked-up and Milky (technically a periodical)

Favorite way to spend a rainy day? Writhing around in my bed sweaty, and moaning.

Religious preference? Devout Born-Again Christian. God has been the most important thing in my life ever since I had my moment of revalation. I can’t wait to share my story and a life full of the Lord’s blessings and a happy home full of children and prayer….and anal sex. —PissBoy


And I think he kept going after that, but I was motherfucking done after that. Some weeks I have the hardest time finding a #1, but this just didn’t even need thinking about. A chase? 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up? Magnadoodle?! Holy craptopus.

Congratulations, PissBoy. You’ve left me with no need to expand on my comments. As a prize, I’m gonna let your awesome girlfriend (WhorishMouth for the ignorant masses) pick a $20 DVD for you. Anything she wants. Let her choose. I know she’s the one behind your hilarity. Can’t get that funny without a woman’s help. So, let us know your decision and then email your info to dustin at pajiba dot com.

See you in a couple of weeks. Be nice to dammitjanet. Who I’ve just totally forced to do the thing even if she wants to change her mind. Too late!

Figgy is busy terrorizing Dallas right now. Not very effective though, as she is melting.

Pajiba Love 08/20/09 | Death Proof Review

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.