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The Top Five Things You Don't Know About Women

By Judge Figomayor
| Eloquent Eloquence | July 23, 2009 |

By Judge Figomayor
| Eloquent Eloquence | July 23, 2009 |

Happy Thursday, Pajibaland.

Did you know that, on this very day in 1924 the World Chess Federation was funded in Paris? That Marvin the Martian made his first appearance in 1948? And that today we celebrate a first in EE history? Is this or is this not an extraordinary day of nerdsome proportions?

Yeah I’ve got nothin’. I’m having a bad case of brain blockage. It happens. I have a feeling some of you will just be thankful there isn’t a longass attempt at humor before the actual funny begins. So I’ll just get on with it.

In lieu of the bigass intro, I’ve arbitrarily decided to expand this week’s (one week only! Double special fun time! Get 15 for the price of 10!) EE from 10 comments to 15. Why? Two reasons: First, I couldn’t bring myself to cull the list down any further. Second, because I can.

A couple of announcements:

1) This is, in all likelihood, a one week thing. Again, because I said so.
2) In 9 days I’m going on vacation, and probably won’t have time to do the EEs for a couple of weeks. So, I’ll do next week’s (the 30th) column, and pass off the next one to a “willing” candidate. I’m going to be figuring out who the substitute will be between this week and the next. Last year, Prisco held an essay contest or some such, but I think eventually he just decided to “volunteer” someone for the job. So I might do that. I’ll let you know.

So, here are your Top 15 Dancers. I mean comments. Sorry, just watched Cat Dealy be all hyper on “Dancing With the Stars.” Now I demand that each one of the commenters listed here performs a 30-second intro dance wearing very short shorts and some form of cut-out spandex top. You select your song. It’s an honor.


15. Wait, I thought Hollywood already remade this … wasn’t Home Alone loosely based on Straw Dogs? A mild mannered young man is driven to a violent and shocking confrontation in which he defends his home against intruders? Sure they cut the rape scene and took a few creative liberties but the third act is essentially the same. —Yossarian

[Cue TK’s heart exploding from rage in 5…4…3…2…]

14. Actually, while I’d love for it to be “Wake Up” by the Arcade Fire, some jackass studio producer would do what every movie does and make it some fucking tuba music. “Haha, fat people must always be accompanied by music that sounds like they’re shatting themselves with every step! Oh, it’s okay, they’re jolly folk!”

Basically what I’m saying is, fuck the first Superman movie. —Christian H.


13. This has nothing to do with anything, but how could I not post a story about a chihuahua puppy with a fork stuck in its head? Hole. Lee. Shit. Is that the appropriate way to break Holy Shit down? I would’ve gone with Ho. Lee. Shit But I guess ‘Hole’ works ‘cause it explains where the latter comes from.

I’m 12 today. —Sofía

[I actually giggled at that. Full out “tee-hee-hee”. Does that make me 8?]

12. Watch out, Maryscott. “Greatest. Trailer. Ever.” on this site might accidentally bring up Pajiba in some Google searches by Britney Spears or Jessica Simpson. —Landon

11. I have to disagree with cats not having a sense of humor, It is just a little twisted. Like the cat I had that liked to sit and watch me chase and try to catch the live birds she used to bring me for breakfast.

At 5AM.

In bed.

I had one cat who absolutely delighted in waiting until the older more crotchety cat was cheek deep in the kibble bowl, then reach up sloooowly from below and TAP-TAP on the hind end. The older cat would launch screaming through the air like she had been shot from a catapult (See, Cat-a-pult! Hee!) and would knock the food bowl all over the floor. She actually even choked on a piece of food once, and we had to kitty-Heimlich her. Sylvan, the evil one, never got tired of that trick. She would roll on the floor cat-laughing every time. She is 17 now and a bit past all of that, but she was a holy terror when she was young. —Lindsey with an ‘e’

[I love stories of pets that harass other pets. My youngest dog, Angus, is constantly trying to bite his dad Oreo’s leg while Oreo eats. Oreo just gives him the most patient look in the world before he gets tired and sneezes in Angus’ face. Angus proceeds to yelp, then come back half an hour to try and gnaw on the leg. It’s like he thinks it’s a damn drumstick. Dogs are dumb.]

10. Branded, I think you might have done a little too much LDS. —lordhelment

To my knowledge I’ve never done a Latter Day Saint, but I’d give it a try. The men all have four wives with 10 kids each, so while they’re funny about alcohol and sody pop, the concept of “a little too much” apparently doesn’t apply to fucking. —, (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy)

[He steals the typo and SCORES. In the totally sweet, sweet way.]

9. Those of you who think Padma is unnecessary for Top Chef clearly do not possess husbands who go into a trance worthy of the most devoted of religious mystics as soon as the Top Chef music begins. She does something to men. I suspect Dustin is right. It’s something to do with the way she eats and looks at the food and would never ask if her bum looks too big. Our house could be invaded by Visigoths while Top Chef is on and Mr. PaddyDog would just continue staring at the TV with a lopsided grin on his face looking for all the world like a golden retriever who has just been allowed to roll in deer urine for an hour. —PaddyDog

[I know Paddy doesn’t like the EE but…the EE sure loves her and wants to buy her candy and flowers.]

8. Just read the Taco Bell chihiauhauh died. — Utah Dynamo

Please GOD tell me that he’s going to buried in a chalupa. —Julie

[While I think Taco Bell is an unholy blight upon the world and an outright insult to latin-american food, that comment made me snort horchata out my nose. Rest in peace, stereotype!]

7. [Re: Tyler Perry]

I happen to love his movies. I put one on the TV and everyone leaves the room. Some even leave the house. Once they are gone I can watch what I really want, Smurf Snuff films that I got in the 80s in Germany. —dawn

[Thinking happy thoughts. Thinking happy thoughts. La-la-la-la-la—-damn you, dawn]

6. How do you guarantee yourself hipster cred. It’s a very simple formula that the movie The Eternal 500 Days of Juno is following to a tee. Hire a director who directed music videos, was a stripper or knows Tarantino and or a Kaufman. Base it on nothing, preferably pretty nothings.. Bonus if they stutter adorably. Check. It’s about the love affair between a musician and a web designer.Have nobody die, because death is for old people. Check. The affair was cut short because of pointless twenty-something angst. Set the movie in Brooklyn.Ensure that everyone wears vintage looking garb that actually costs a small fortune i.e. Prada. and that they speak whimsically. (bonus points if the actors are from a television show that the huddled masses didn’t appreciate the way you did.). Check. Check. And check. —Abby

[That is beautiful. And so very true. Damn those hipster indie cutesy quirky movies. No, Dustin. I am NOT watching 500 Days of Summer. Stop pushing it at me, pusher! I will say no to your fancy drugs and hipster beers! Speaking of…]

[Touché! Abby. — DR]

5. How about this for some math, Wired nerds?

PBR + human stomach = explosive diahrrea.

I have a story to support that equation:

My old friends and I were short on cash one weekend, but we drank all the time and needed beer. We sent the first of-age person we could find to get us the cheapest beer possible. Problem was he was kind of dick, so instead of getting us Natty Light or Beast, he got us PBR and Schlitz. Fine. We could handle it.

Sometime during the course of the night our toilet became clogged and we hadn’t bought a plunger yet. EVERYONE woke up with crazy stomach cramps. It was so bad that people would’ve shit in our kitchen sink if it weren’t overflowing with dirty dishes.

So my crazy red-headed friend and I were volunteered to go to Meijer’s for supplies as we were the only ones who could move. I won rock/paper/scissors on the way and got to use their bathroom as he went to get a plunger and some TP. By the time I was finished, he was running toward an unsuspecting cashier wearing a blue silk women’s bathrobe, orange briefs, and one shoe (he lost the other one while running through the store). While racing by, he literally THREW money at this woman while screaming, “IT’S AN EMERGENCY!!!,” and sprinted out the door. I barely made it to the car I was laughing so hard.

Moral of the story: I will never, ever, ever touch that hipster douchewater again. —Kballs

[And that’s one of the many reasons why I will never, ever drink beer. Piss of Satan is what it is.]

4. What the hell is The Country Bears? Is it anything like a Country Apple pie, but for big, hairy, gay dudes? Man, I’ll bet that would be a completely different movie…no wait, maybe it wouldn’t.

Annoyingmouse - the movie is based on an attraction at Disney called the Country Bear Jamboree, where animatronic bears put on a musical revue. The funny thing is, during Gay Days at Disney, the gay men who are into the “bear” scene always gather at a predetermined hour to watch the Jamboree together… so I imagine, when the movie came out, there were indeed gay men who went to see it. —MelBivDevoe

3. He may not be an ACTUAL Persian, but you gotta admit, he is one pretty man. Who’s a pretty man? You are! You are! Awwww, I wanna mash up his wittle-bitty face and call him Mr. Chips and rub his furry little belly!
..And then after, we make the sex. —Jeremy Feist

[That’s going to be in our JerBear’s next film. And I will watch it. And here’s another pair from that thread, which could very well be part of Prince of Persi-ass:]

If it’s anything like the original game the hero will be bisected 30 seconds in by a guillotine that comes out of the floor and ceiling. Damn, that game was hard! —bradm

Yeah bradm, I always thought that Gyllenhaal was a little bisectual. —admin

[Yeah ok that’s like 17 comments but so what. Shut up.]

2. Really? Esquire still does those list things? Wow, I bet they pull in a lot of ad revenue for that feature, because it’s all so true! I HATE having to pump my own gas when there’s a man around to do it. And PMS? Whoo, that makes me a crazy bitch! It’s always good to get sweepingly generic advice from actresses. You know they’re super qualified, because their job entails reading words off a page written by someone else. And boy, does Jennifer Love Hewitt know what she’s talking about. In fact, I’m pretty sure I could do it too! But only five, because I’m lazy.

Top Five Things You Don’t Know About Women
By Marra Alane

5. We LOVE being lumped together as an homogenous group.

4. If while making out with us on the couch you decide we want a beej, it’s totally cool if you just push on our shoulders with increasing pressure. Really, we love that.

3. We think it’s a really good idea for you to get your information about women from an online section in a closeted men’s magazine written by celebrities whose only qualification is having huge tits and being popular in 1999.

2. We all secretly wish we could live in the Sex and the City universe. Seriously, our favorite thing is to dress up in high heels so our asses look good for you and our tits are that much closer to your face.

1. Women be shoppin’! —Marra

[No one, NO ONE does angry rants like Marra. Have you read her book reviews? Marra is awesome. Marra got Prisco to do the Air Bud Reviews. I love Marra. And…really that was worthy of a #1, but…then this next one came along. It was so close. So very close.]

1. Hold on, Optimus. Maybe you’re not a racist; maybe you just have poor eyesight or you were so dazzled by my glorious luminosity that you see me everywhere. Let’s run a little test before you start cruising the Martha Stewart white sale for a new wardrobe.
Better basketball player: a) Jordan or b) Bird?

Fried chicken: a) Meh b) Yes c) Fuck yes or d) Pass the Red Hot and the grape Kool-Aid.

Women’s asses: a) “I like ‘em like my pancakes; dry, flat and the lighter the better” or b) “Every woman in Hollywood needs to gain 15 pounds except Kim Kardashian who is perfect in every way.”

Gators: a) Endangered species or b) Shoes

Zooey Deshanel (sp): a) Great, sadly unheralded actress or b) Who?

Charlie Bobo: a) The White Devil or b) Your accountant

Scarface: a) A celebration of violence and drug abuse or b) The guy on 1/3 of your t-shirts —Tracer Bullet


BAM. Tracer has had it coming for a very long time. He’s all class and genius and dirty sex jokes. He’s the ultimate Pajiban.

I mean let’s face it. A wise brown person can make a way better comment than a white person any day of the week. That’s why we rule the world. Or at least that’s why there are so many of us who are funny. And can cook. And are sexy as hell. Just call me Judge Figomayor. Kick your ass, bitch.

Wait. Where was I going with this?

Oh, yeah. Congratulations, Tracer! You are truly, truly, truly outrageous. Like an ethnic Jem. For your awesomeness, you win a movie with the truest title in the history of the world: “White Men Can’t Jump”. Yeaaaaaah. Who DOESN’T want Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson and Rosie Perez in a movie about…um…what the hell is that movie about? Well, you will watch it and you can tell me. I can’t believe it’s actually on DVD. I was afraid I’d have to give you a VHS tape. But there you go. Enjoy!

(And if you really don’t want it we can negotiate. But…I hope you do. It’d be awesome.)

Til next week! Oh, and you should really joining the Pajiba facebook group and friend us all. You too can participate into driving TK into a murderous rage with memes! It’s so much fun!

Judge Figomayor lives and fights in the urban jungles of Honduras. She thinks a wise latina is better than you (but not really except when it comes to cooking and judging the quality of telenovelas). As long as that latina is her. If you’re also a wise latina, she’s still better than you. See? She has a blog and everything, ese. What choo got? Nuthin’.

Pajiba Love 07/23/09 | Wet Hot American Summer Review

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.