Bazooka Joe vs. The Volcano

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | June 11, 2009 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | June 11, 2009 |

Holy Godtopus, people. I asked, and you delivered. From the second the first revived EE column went up, you bunch of psychos not only brought the funny but you threw it at my face like so many feces-flinging monkeys. Dance, monkeys, dance!

This was a crazy week. My house nearly flooded, the Honduran national soccer team lost to the US (bastards…most of you don’t even KNOW that you have a national soccer team, do you?), some people were at Pajibacon East. Debauchery ensued. The rest of us attempted a shunning (“it’s like slapping someone with silence!), and I know the Baconeasters were just heartbroken over this. No amount of Dustin doing the White Boy Boogie (TM lizzieborden) or guys with rape vans attempting to purchase Nicole will ever make up for the tears shed over the shunning. It was that powerful. So, you know, there.

This is our very own admin demonstrating a proper shunning:

He’s so committed he made a hat with an ‘S’ for ‘Shunning’ on it. And then he bedazzled it.

Aside from that unimportant and forgettable business (jealous? me? fie!), we had a couple of truly hilarious comment diversions, an engrossing discussion on the shamelessness of Nia Vardalos and (as usual) a lot of sex talk. A lot. We can’t seem to talk about anything without bringing in the nasty. Praise be to Pajiba.

It was a great week for the Eloquents. You guys brought it, and I hope you keep it up, as it makes this job so much easier. I had about 20 solid gold comments to pick from, and I even bent the rules a little bit to fit some of the best. Because I can.

So with no further ado-bee-doop-doop-do, here they are, the Top Ten(ish) comments of the week :

[Warning: A couple of these are pretty long]

[On the Gay Jonas Does “Single Ladies” video:]

10. That video is the definition of the word “flail”. I haven’t seen so much flap since that 20’s jazz troupe took over an IHOP. — Lauren

[on the topic of ‘what happened to the History Channel?]

9. It’s all been downhill since that Flight of the Luftwaffe marathon. (Note to self: German themed IHOP? Flight of the Luftwaffles) —Optimus Rhyme

[The dish will be a stack of pancakes (or pankaken in the original German) served with strawberry sauce to resemble blood, a german weinerschnitzel shaped like a downed airplane on top and a sprinkle of nutzen to simulate the dead people.

And I just realized that both those comments involved IHOP. I really do love pancakes.]

8. on kate winslet’s vagwig: Ich bin ein furliner? —J Stride

[And Germans, apparently…]

7. You know, that scene just settled right into my uncanny valley and started a farm. -alphawhiskey

[I honestly can’t remember where that one came from, but I loved that mental image so much that I saved it as soon as I read it. I really need to watch out for this alphawhiskey character, he/she comments with a punch.]

6. Doesn’t Stretch Armstrong only stretch if other people stretch him? He can’t do it under his own power. He’s like the submissive Mr. Fantastic. —James

5. I have no vanities I am the most modest, least arrogant person ever to walk the earth, much like Jesus. I would dare say, better. —BarbadoSlim

[It’s awesome because it’s true. You’re a Pajiba institution, BSlim.]

[Prisco’s fantastic Movie Crossovers column was one of the funniest things I have ever read on this site, and the comments that followed it were a prime example of the sheer brilliance of the Pajiban community. I couldn’t pick just one, so #4 is made up of my favorite ideas from that thread. I would love to see all of these come to life.]

4. Bazooka Joe vs. The Volcano — This may actually be in production. -Mrcreosote

Batman and Robin Hood. Robin Hood tries to steal from the wrong rich guy. -B1

Soylent Green Lantern: It’s People —annoyingmouse

Wonder Woman Snatch. What? You KNEW someone would do it. -Spender

Steel Magnolias, in Heat This would be an adult feature. —BarbadoSlim

3. In all fairness, I’d like to give a shout out to the Wonder Twins, who I shared an apartment with in the late nineties. In a word? Wow!

Me: Hey Zan and Jayna… What are you guys gonna do tonight?
I was thinking about maybe renting a movie, doing a pizza, etc…

Jayna: (sigh) I guess that’d be cool. Zan?

Zan: (doing a monster bong hit) Yeah… (exhales) That’d be all right.
You guys are gonna have to spring for it though… (takes another hit)
Fuckin’ paycheck from the Super Friends never went through…

Me: I’m kinda strapped for cash too… How ‘bout we just share that
weed and I’ll go get that bottle of Emergency Vodka I keep in the trunk?
I’ve got some vintage porn in my sock drawer - we could just get fucked
up and make fun of it and stuff… Whaddya say?

Jayna: All right. You know I get all loosey goosey when
I smoke and drink together. You know that, right?

[ Fast forward an hour… ]

Me: SWEET MOSES, YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING INSANE!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU TWO AGREED TO DOING THIS!
THIS IS SO FUCKING AWESOME AND TWISTED AND
WRONG AND AWESOME! WHOO!

Zan: (panting) Form… of…. FORM OF MORE LUBE! YEAH!

Jayna: (also panting) Shape of… OH MY GAWD! SHAPE
OF FLOPPITY SUCTION CUPPED “FIST OF ADONIS”

Me: HOLY MACARONI! HURTS SO…. Who? Who’s tail is that?!

Zan & Jayna: GLEEP!

[ Everyone laughs and collapses into a sweaty pile ] -Skitz

[*slow clap* The Wonder Twins are the worst superheroes ever, but I like them a little bit more after that]

2.The true story of his death:

Actor and martial arts master David Carradine, 72, was found dead today in his hotel room in Bangkok, Thailand. According to sources the hotel room was “littered with the bodies of black clad warriors, suggesting Mr. Carradine had been the victim of a ninja attack”. Ninja attacks are not an uncommon problem in Thailand, but the sheer number of dead ninja were said to be “staggering”. Chief Inspector Phuk Pan had this to say, “It was as if the ninja were taken to a great height, and dropped. Limbs were broken and bodies were twisted with great violence. It made me vomit to see the mess.”

Mr. Carradine was found at the foot of a canopy bed sitting in the lotus position favored by Buddhist Shaolin monks when police were finally able to break down the door being blocked by piles of dead ninja. An unearthly glow was said to bathe his body in warm light, illuminating his faint and knowing smile. Upon closer inspection he was found not to be breathing and a small shard of metal was found inbedded in the palm of his right hand. While cause of death will not be known for several days it is believed that the metal shard was actually the broken tip of a poison tipped spear, likely coated in tetrateratoxin, a paralyzing agent and favorite of local crime syndicates, specifically that of The Black Foot.

In his left hand he clutched the famed Amulet of Ravahasu, an ancient artifact said to grant the possessor the power to raise, and command, an army of the dead. Among his personal items was the contact information for Dr. Stephen Wallace, a British nationalist living in Bangkok, and reputed expert on the Amulet of Ravahasu. It is surmised that the victim was ambushed before he was able to make contact with Dr. Wallace.

Investigation is on going. —TylerDFC

[The most fitting obituary I have ever heard in my life. I’m sure it’s the way he would have wanted to go.]

[I knew this one would be #1 the second it was posted on the Ice Road Truckers review. It is, in a word, glorious.]

1. I imagine that Bruce Willis will play the grizzled veteran with a complicated past. There will be a balls-out rookie with a glint in his eyes who wants to take him down, and some black guy from the south (just like this season!), who just wants to give his kid a decent chance. I also see a hulking Russian who was rumored to have knocked-out a Polar Bear with one punch, and a hot tomboy (just like this season!), who gives just as good as she gets, and takes off her top in a shower scene. Terrorists will descend on the north, attempting to destroy some gas field or nascent green technology that would free the west from dependence on Middle East oil, and only this ragtag group of ice truck drivers can save humanity. Aerosmith will do the soundtrack.

I swear on all that the most magnificent Godtopus has created and destroyed, I would rather see this movie than about 2/3 of what is coming or proposed out of Hollywood today.

Samples from the script:

“Yippee Ky Yay, Ice Truckers!!!”

“But, my dad was an Ice Trucker, and I promised my mom I wouldn’t follow in his footsteps…then she got the gout and we have to pay for that surgery somehow!”

“I look out from my front porch in Russia, and I see Sarah Palin staring at me. I send pet polar bear, who I tame by punching in face, to attack. But, polar bear impregnant daughter. Bear stupid!”

“I can drive an ice truck as well as any of you SOB’s. I can do anything you can, I’m as good as any of you, AND I’ve got THESE…” (rips off top to expose DD’s)

“Don’t wanna close my eeeyyyyeeessss/ cuz I might freeze and diiiiiieeeees/ oh, I missed the whale/ but I don’t wanna miss the seals….. —dammitjanet

———

It was the bear bit that did it. It sent it into uncharted territories of funny. I laughed so hard the dogs freaked out and started howling, and I nearly ruptured something. This comment is what dreams are made of, and I expect this film to go into production tomorrow as Die Hard: On Ice!

Congratulations, dammitjanet! You win a slab of bacon, a cheesesteak, three tickets to the Ice Capades (which may or may not exist), and your very own copy of Die Hard. I was going to give you Armageddon, but you’re obviously such a big fan that you probably have it already. Enjoy, and don’t forget to watch it while drinking some very hard whiskey and roasting some polar bear meat.