By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | June 4, 2009 |
By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | June 4, 2009 |
The start of a new era!
As any good manager during these trying times, Dustin has decided that outsourcing to a Third-World country is the way to go. Unlike your average Mr. Joe American, this Honduran textile-factory worker will do the same amount of work for half the salary*, take no breaks** and work through the holidays***. Latin power forever!
Hi. I am your new Overlord, Figgy. I come in peace. Unless you bastards step out of line. I’ve seen what you did to Prisco, and it wasn’t pretty. I won’t stand for it and you shall be most righteously beaten down. So bring it, bitches.
*That’s a lie. My greatness don’t come cheap.
**Another lie. I took a 2 hour break between sentences to play Baldur’s Gate 2 because I am a giant nerd.
***American holidays. I reserve the right to take Honduran Children’s Day off.
Here are the basics, for veterans and newbies alike:
1) We’re starting over from scratch. So whether you’re a past EE winner, have made multiple appearances on the board or have never tasted the glory of getting your comment validated by the Overlord, you’re now all at the same level.
2) All comments made between Thursday morning and, say, 9pm Wednesday will be valid for consideration. Except this first week, which I arbitrarily decided to start with the MTV Awards Open Thread. No reason other than that’s where the page cut off when I started looking.
3) The top prize will be a DVD of our choosing. This could have something to do with the top comment or just be completely random. Adds to the excitement of the thing.
4) This is for fun, people. Don’t freak out by my choices or take anything too seriously. I’ll go with whatever makes me laugh the hardest. The good news for you is that I have a very low threshold. And am easily bribable. Send chocolate, plane tickets or shirtless photos of hot men.
5) Really, just bring the funny. And don’t feed the regulars. They bite.
That’s enough from me. I’ll sit here and marvel at my awesomeness and wit, and wait for the slaughter. Please be nice to me, I’m new at this. Here’s this week’s craziest:
10. Totally gotta go with Tracer here. Why not just pick up a nice Japanese lady. After all, from what I’ve learned from the internet, they have all been taught, since birth, how to please a man with ancient Japanese sexual techniques and LOOOOOOVE dressing like slutty schoolgirls.
I dunno what those techniques are exactly, but since they’re ancient they probably have something to do with a torch made from Yak fat oil and some sort of polished rock. CAN’T WAIT!!!! —Pissboy
9. I can’t wait for the Choose Your Own Adventure: The Movie! Or Hi-Ho Cherry-O: The Movie! Or Tampon Machine in the Public Restroom: The Movie! Yay Hollywood! THANK GOD THE WRITER’S STRIKE ENDED! Now, where did I put that bottle of Xanax…. — Pinky McLadybits
[The Tampon movie is going into production this instant. It’ll star Nic Cage and his lack of sideburns.]
8. The Usual Suspects: Usual-er and More Suspicious -Jerce
[Short and sweet.]
7.Doran! What is best in life? To crush the producers, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their studio executives. —admin
[That is good! That is good…True fact: Conan is my dad’s favorite movie of all time.]
6. I’m sorry, did you just say Milli Vanilli biopic? WHY, HOLLYWOOD, WHY???????
Blame it on the rain. -jM
[And now that song is in your head. Am passing on the pain. Blame jM. And the rain]
5. And according to Wikipedia, there was a Neverending Story III: Escape from Fantasia. Never heard of it. I think it had something to do with fleeing from an American Idol winner.
Personally, I’m waiting for The Neverending Story : In My Pants. — BWeaves
[I laughed, and then I was sad that I know who Fantasia is.]
4. For those of you who’ve always wondered if a movie can be so bad that its trailer alone causes penile shrinkage and anal leakage, the answer is a resounding “yes.”
Damn you, GI Joe… -David
3. The one exception is Skitz, who should receive a lifetime achievement award. Posted by: jimbob at June 3, 2009 12:24 PM
He has. Do NOT believe him when he tries to tell you he hasn’t.
Also, do NOT believe him when he says he’ll “pay you right back”. Do NOT believe him when he says “that’s not an STD, it’s the early part of an elaborate tattoo I’m having done on my junk”. Do NOT believe him when he says “there’s a male birth control pill and I’m totally on it and besides, I’m pretty sure I had a vasectomy”. Do NOT believe him when he says, “running out for smokes. Be right back!” And most importantly, do NOT believe him when he says, “Wendel won’t even touch you. He’ll probably be passed out anyway”. *shivers* —Lainey
[I was going to make this next one number one, but I couldn’t decide if it was serious or not. But it just killed me. If it’s a joke, I praise you. Not only does it take monumental effort to type like that, but coupled with the screename…just beautiful..]
2. OMG SPEIDI IS SO GR8 IDK WHY U PPLR SUCH H8TERS. YOU PPL NEED TO GET A LIFE AND LEAVE SPEIDI ALONE. THEY R CELEBRITIES AND U PPL R JUST JEALOUSE. THATS Y U PPL R SO H8FUL BECAUSE U CAN NEVER BE AS GR8 AND CHRISTIAN LIKE SPEIDI. THEY ARE CHRISTIAN AND MOST OF U PPL R ATHEIEST AND AGNOGSTIC. U PPL NEED TO GROW UP —Flesh colored
[And our glorious #1]
1. My mother’s absolute favorite story of me as a child involves me singing and dancing to the Heathcliff song. This was special because my speech impediment was so bad that it sounded like “eep clip eep clip, oh one ood a-o-ize da eighbohoo.” If this movie ever see the light of day, I will be forced to hear my family sing the damn song for the next ten years.
For the love of God,I don’t think that I can deal with that. I wonder if the studio could be held responsible for the multiple murders that I’ll be forced to commit just to make the singing stop. — Ashleigh
Ha-ha, childhood speech impediment!
I love heartwarming stories of childhood mockery that result in epic revenge.
Congratulations, ashleigh! Not only do you win the first ever Revamped EE, but you get your very own DVD! I was going to pick two seasons of the Heathcliff cartoon show, but I figured you had suffered enough. Then I almost went with “Garfield,” but I don’t want you to hate me. And it IS a reward. So you get what is (to me) the best talking-animals movie of all time: Babe. Enjoy!
Send your address and other pertinent information to dustin at pajiba dot com.
See you next week. All you people going to Pajibacon this weekend: I hate you all. Commence shunning!
Eloquent Eloquence is dedicated to the memory of AlabamaPink