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An RDJ Backlash? Inconceivable!

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | May 3, 2010 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | May 3, 2010 |

Ah, Sunday. A wonderful day of laziness and freedom that gets all blown to hell around 5pm when the sun starts to go and you realize that that bastard, Monday, is lurking just around the corner. And then you get what I call the Sunday Blues, where your heart just sinks and a part of your brain starts whining about not wanting to go to work tomorrow. You want to keep watching movies and feasting for another day. But Monday, that bitch, just won’t stop it and it’s coming at you with a pitchfork. But! Now you have the EE to read and it will all be wonderful. Maybe you won’t kill your screechy co-worker today after all. Maybe you’ll put the sharpened pencil down before you carry out your fantasy of driving it through Screechy’s neck. Maybe Pajiba does save lives after all.

That kind of sucks, though, because Screechy McScreecherson deserves death.

But it’s probably for the best.

Here’s your list.

10. ‘lots of hugging bear’

Of course the company closed after they released Lot’s o’ Stabbin’ Clown. Voiced by Tim Curry. I bought one for all my nieces and nephews. —Mrcreosote

[This next one is from this post:]

9. Trend Watch: Kegger Sharpie artists will abandon the face-dong this weekend in favor of an Eel-body running down the passed-out drunk’s leg. —laredo

[I refused to read that story, but the comments enlightened me. Sometimes, this isn’t a good thing.]

8. This is mind boggling.

When I skimmed this sentence I thought Boggle: the Movie was being announced too. Has there been any such movie announced yet, and if not, why not? Do you realize how much enjoyment I would derive from this? I could finally be that annoying person in the back row of the theater, eating from a giant tub of popcorn and spraying kernels of righteousness whenever I spot an illegal Boggle move. “HEY you’re not allowed to use the same letter twice in the same word! You hooligans!” Or when the heroine gets sucked into a dangerous j-u-n-g-l-e due to a brilliant get by her opponent, and she saves herself by rearranging the letters to spell “lung” and traveling safely out of the human body on a magic school bus, even though the “l” and the “u” aren’t touching on the actual Boggle board. “Inconceivable! What is this, the Word Jumble?”

Then I’d carefully catalog every injustice in my custom-ordered, hand-bound Scrabble journal, which I am proud to say really exists, and have conversational topics for weeks.

My friends would all hate me. I’d love it. —SaBrina

[Haha, neeeeeeeerd.]

7. Aw crap. It was the musical episode. That means I have to watch it.

Right now our TVs are watching the craziest thing. It’s all on ice and they try to hit this little black thing into a big square net using only sticks. But there’s a big (fat maybe?) guy in front of it wearing armor. I don’t think it’s Japanese, but everyone yells when the black thing goes in. —Optimus Rhyme

[Must be that weird “Canadian” thing I keep hearing about. Is Canada even a real country? I think it’s a conspiracy of cartographers.]

6. Ah, the old correlation = causation sophistry! Back in the ’50s, the Filipino government was trying to determine how to increase birth control use among its population. So they asked a bunch of families to fill out a questionnaire about their daily lives to determine what lifestyle factors led to increased birth control use. The single most correlated item was whether or not the family owned a toaster. Where there be toasters, there be rubbers. So, hand out a bunch of toasters, and problem solved! —sansho1

[HA! I adore random stories like this]

5. Men do not have this gift; all of their naughty bits are dual functional.
I know the two functions you’re speaking of, Patty and I think you are sorely underestimating the talents of the male member. Examples:

- A towel rack

- A comedic prop

- sword fight

- A Musical Instrument

- A lever for the prying of things

- kickstand

- macho Nachos

- puppet

- bottle opener

- pipe cleaner

- depth gauge

- catapult

Really, I could go on and on. —admin

[I BET YOU COULD. Please do so. This goes to all commenters. Mini-diversh!]

4. I still think Larry King is the scariest fucking vegetable I’ve ever seen. —boo

[The best part about that is that it came from this brilliant post by Prisco, which might be one of my favorite SRLs ever]

3. An RDJ backlash? Inconceivable. It’s like complaining that you used to like the sky, but now its blueness seems insolent. —Tammy

2. Please, Playboy will get Cyrus long before any film does. As soon as they hear she’s open to nudity, and she turns 18, they will be all over that.

Playboy Exec: “So…Miley…we have a proposition for you.”

Miley (as she chews gum): “What’s up?”

Playboy Exec: “We have the perfect way for you to shed your child star image and develop into woman status.”

Miley (texting): “Go ahead, I’m listening.”

Playboy Exec: “Well, you can simply do a fully nude spread for the magazine. Show the world that you’re really a woman now.”

Miley (sipping on a slush puppy): “That sounds totally cool. Ya know though, my dad is going to have to be in the picture.”

Playboy Exec: “What? That’s a little…odd.”

Miley (twirling her hair): “Yeah, well, he insists. He wants to be there to make sure its, like, classy or whatever.”

Playboy Exec: “Ummmm…ok?”

Miley (picking at her nails): “He totally wants to be nude too.”

Playboy Exec: “Don’t you think that would be a little…wrong?”

Miley (adding another piece of gum in her mouth): “I hate when it loses flavor. Look, that’s the deal. Take it or leave it.

Playboy Exec: “Fine. Deal.” —DeistBrawler

[It’s funny because it’s TRUE. And sad. ]

1. Are you aware I have a ritual called ‘terminator.’ I crouch in the shower in the “naked terminator” pose. With eyes closed I crouch for a minute and visualize either Arnie or the guy from the 2nd movie. I then start to hum the T2 theme. Slowly I rise to a standing position and open my eyes. It helps me get through my day. The only problem is if the shower curtain sticks to my terminator leg. It sorta ruins the fantasy. —Adventureman


Like our own Lindsey with an ‘e’ once brilliantly said: Oooh! $5!

I never know when Adventureman will leave, but I sure do miss him/her when he/she does. And then he/she comes back and steals every thread with either a hilariously babelfished comment or something like the above: just completely awesome. Welcome back, please don’t ever leave us again, and congratulations!

I’d just like to end by directing you all to TK’s review of 8: the Mormon Proposition. It’s not only a brilliant review, but it’s also a beautifully eloquent thread. You guys made me tear up, specially scorzi’s contributions. Kudos.

Have a good week, and don’t kill any co-workers. At least promise you’ll try really hard not to.

Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX. She can’t think of anything witty to write here, but you can read her blog if you have nothing better to do.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.