By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | April 8, 2010 |
By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | April 8, 2010 |
All right people, here’s the deal. I’m on a major sugar crash from some damned Gourmet Gummy Bears I bought as an impulse buy at the $1 aisle at Target this morning. Good Godtopus they shouldn’t tempt me so but they do because they KNOW ME and they know I’ll pack my little basket full of discount candy and even though I know they know I decided to go to Target just today and aaaaaaah it’s an awful circle of suck. See that run-on sentence? No one should let me have so much sugar. It’s like feeding the Gremlins after midnight. A while ago I was on a high and jumping everywhere and opening the window and listening to the crazy wind go phoooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooosh right outside the door so hard that you think it’s gonna blow it down because WTF Dallas. Now…now I’m just feeling kind of miserable and guilty from that much sugar and I have a headache made of remorse and gummy goo. But oh man I just can’t resist the chewy gummy stuff. They’re COATED IN SUGAR for fuck’s sake. Delicious, sour sugar powder. *sob*
Oh lord I’m gonna start sobbing on my laptop. I have the shakes. And I keep flashing back to that aisle and I know it’ll be like a nightmare that will never end. Damn you America with your availability of sugary goodness that is cheap after holidays. This country will kill me.
Um, yes. The list. Here it is. Oh Godtopus I can’t stop shaking and everything is colored in pastels. Grrrhgngh…
[About that horrible new dance movie that’s coming out..]
10. But…it opens up the possibilities of what else can free a generation. Just think of it, people!!!!
- The cup of coffee that can free a generation
- The bank statement reconciliation that can free a generation
- The cell phone provider that can free a generation
- The paper cut that can free a generation
- The mouth-to-anus human abomination that can free a generation
See? It’s like a whole new world! —Wednesday
[And ah, fuck, you just put the Centipede into my brain and now I will never be able to sleep not ever and I’m gonna watch some kitten videos for a while. Oh god hold me.]
9. During orientation week of veterinary school last year the school took us to see, what else, Marley and Me. 160 future vets in the theatre to see the dog eventually be euthanized, half sobbing uncontrollably, half yelling “I knew it was bloat! Called it!” —Jess-tastic!
[Hey that kinda—no that didn’t help at all. OK maybe a little. I liked it.]
8. Possible tag lines better than “100% Medically Accurate”.
Based on true events
Don’t try this at home
Based on the novel by Nicholas Sparks
The first film in the “Shit Eaters Trilogy”
Your pain is the next one’s dinner
From the directors of 2 girls 1 cup comes a story of redemption, love, hate, and some poop
The Obamacare House of Horrors Presents…
Three strangers make the bond of a lifetime, in 3D! —schrome
[AAAAAAAAH THIS THING IS EVERYWHERE NOOOOOO]
7. I would much rather watch that movie, BWeaves.
“Robert Rodriguez found me huffing glue off a dead cat in Mexico City. He said ‘You look like a mean motherfucker, can you use a knife?’ And so our friendship and my movie career was born.”
Danny Trejo is actually American and is cousins with Robert Rodriguez. I know this, but I like my version better. —Snath
[Yay Danny Trejo helps. I think I can breathe again.]
6. What in the hell is America coming to? Just look at all the calories in that Double Down abomination! And the sodium content! Christ! KFC has gone too far. I don’t know why anyone would … ummm.
*Looks at picture*
*Looks around slowly*
I’ll be right back. I need to pick up some, err, schmuble frowns from Tennessee Grilled Turkey. —Kballs
[That thing looks like an abomination, but every time I see it I’m more tempted to try it, you know, just to see what it feels like to eat a heart attack. This country is pure evil, I tell you.]
5. I forget what movie it was, but I think I heard that every time Sam Worthington appears semi clothed, an Angel gets its wings…or it makes Number 1 at the B.O, it’s been a while since I saw the said movie.
And 3-D Worthington abs may persuade my Cracken to awaken…and by Cracken, I mean my junk. I’m just that quick witted. —Kamikaze Feminist
[Cracken or Kraken or Kracken? I never know. All I know is that I love that line. In fact, MrFig got me a sound file of it for my computer so that it plays whenever he goes online, because he is awesome. But after this comment…I dunno. It won’t be the same. Oh lord.]
4. Hey Christoper Campbell, have you relate are even can go want Bruce Campbell? If look to decide, really been far to even question:
With even to use tree rape decide The Evil Dead filming, Cheryl is safety word go need?
[YOU GUYS. Adventureman is back! Rejoice!]
3. I’m just trying to figure out how to use ‘cuntress’ in conversation today.
Co-worker: Can I please borrow your stapler?
Me: Go to hell, cuntress, get your own stapler.
Co-worker: faints dead
Me: smiling —Xtreme
[I’m still thinking about that chicken monstrosity. It’s a cuntress. And I do believe that is the first time I’ve ever typed that word. I’m so sad and lame. My mom would be ashamed.]
[This next one was about the “To Me, You Are Perfect” sign from Love, Actually]
2. His sign is grammatically-correct and to me that is a good start.
I’m not sure I agree. When stating an opinion, it is assumed that the opinion is “yours.” That is why, when either speaking or writing, a person doesn’t need to write things like, “to me…” or “I believe that…” or “In my opinion…”
His sign could just read, “You’re perfect,” and it still would deliver the message.
Despite the correct coma placement, I would contend that his sign is grammatically flawed. —Grammar Bitch
“Despite the correct coma placement, I would contend that his sign is grammatically flawed.”
To me, this was perfect. —Craig
[BRAVO. SCORE. MAGNIFICO.]
1. Much as I love the image of Danny Trejo: Professional Ass-Kicker, who wants to bet he loves scrapbooking, owns several cats and never misses an episode of Paula Deen? -Tracer Bullet
hahahaha, good one, Tracer.
You gave me this vision of Danny Trejo in a rocking chair on the porch, kiddies playing and fluffy pink Mr. Bunny slippers, a big cat on his lap.
With a machete standing against the doorpost, of course —Magiel
Magiel , heck yeah. He’s got on half-glasses and an Afghan over his shoulders and he’s reading to the kids in that gravelly voice, “One fish, two fish. Red fish, blue fish. This is how, we cut a snitch. We cut his throat, from ear to ear. Next time he’ll make sure, that my money’s here.” —Tracer Bullet
Oh Danny Trejo makes it all better in the end. And with that image and the rhyming and the awesomeness, Tracer Bullet wins it all! For I believe the second time around. I usually don’t pick a previous winner again but COME ON the first person to bitch about it gets a shiv to the kneecap and a handful of gummy bears to the mouth. And then another handful and another, etc etc etc.
And Tracer, you win a machete and a rocking chair. That way you can sit out on your porch (really, spellcheck? “Porch?” OK then) and threaten children more effectively. Though chances are you … already do that, probably with a rusty machete, but hey! Now you have a new one. You too can be Danny Trejo!
So congratulations, Tracer. I no longer have the shakes because of that mental image. Who knew Danny Trejo would be so comforting?
Alright, I’m done. Please don’t let me near the candy aisles again.
Figgy lives and rages in the urban jungles of Dallas, TX. She watches too much TV as she waits to get a work permit so she can become a useful member of society. You can read her seldom-updated blog here.