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I Got Me Some Ripe Ole Apples to Go Along With Those Ripe Ole Melons You Be Rocking.

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | March 11, 2010 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | March 11, 2010 |

The EE is back from vacation. And there was much rejoicing.

*little flags wave about*

The beach was nice, but now we return with a massive hangover and maybe sunstroke, which would explain a lot about the souvenirs we brought back: half a coconut husk (migrated), a dead spider and the EE may or may not have a raging case of crabs. That’s what you get for fighting and making it leave in a huff. The EE is a touchy bitch, people, who knows where it might go next time. It hears that Amsterdam is good for forgetting.

Hey, so! The Oscars were on Sunday. It was a crazy, mostly boring night and as usual the best part was looking at the pretty dresses and reading the reactions the day after. This is really just an excuse to post the best quote about the ceremony. It was posted by the most awesome Neil Gaiman, who went to the damned show and tweeted the whole way through. It was beautiful. So he said this about the poor job Martin and Baldwin did, and I think it can be used to cover a very wide range of bad comedy:

“This is strange. It’s like very slow cargo-cult stand-up comedy. I wonder how it’s playing on TV.

Cargo cult. Like radios and planes built out of bamboo. It looks like the thing but it’s empty inside and doesn’t fly or work.”

I love that man. We should get him on Pajiba.

Anyway. I’m writing this early because “America’s Next Top Model” premieres TONIGHT. And, if the previews are any indication, the addition of Andre Leon Talley will turn the show from ridiculous and crazy into an absolutely ballshit crazy parade of awesome with confetti and streamers and shit and THAT means that my brain won’t function enough to write this late at night. I’ll do the list later, but there we go.

** **

OK! Here it is! As expected, my brain is fried, so the flawless wit I know you’ve all come to expect from me in the commentary might not be all there. Try and not be too sad and keep rejoicing before I eat your minstrels.

10. At first when I read the headline and the accompanying tagline, I thought it was about Diablo Cody reworking parts of the Old Testament. Which would be fucking awesome.

Just picture it: Eve is wandering through the Garden of Eden with a jug of Sunny D, when she happens upon the snake.

Snake: Yo yo yiggedy yo, female unit. I got me some ripe ol’ apples to go along with those ripe ol’ melons you be rocking.

Eve: Step off there, serpent. I don’t want none of your nasty ass fruit you’re hawking there, homeskillet.

Snake: Oh come on, for realsies? These babies are like poppin’ fresh. Seriously, give ‘em a whiff already.

Eve: Damn, those are some fresh princes you got there, serpent. Alright, you got yourself a deal.

And scene! —Jeremy Feist

[Eve’s fig leaf would be striped and layered with an appropriately colored scarf/vine]

9. Castle is worth watching for the Nathan Fillion pretty.

Also it’s lovely ‘cuz of its banter oh-so witty (thanks, MM).

It does have some nice shots of dead bodies in New York City.

And they often start the show by playing a nice ditty.

If you just gave up on it, you sure have earned my pity.

But the acting of that woman cop is just so damn shitty. —esme

8. Who brings a meat thermometer to the movies?

Martha Stewart? —mswas

[I love the idea of Martha Stewart going on a killing rampage using only kitchen tools. She’d be known as the Killer Gourmet.]

7. Here’s what I don’t get about Alice in Wonderland.

I understand the idea of hiring someone like Elijah Wood and making him up to look just like Johnny Depp, but what is the logic of paying Depp his $25+ million dollar salary and then making him up to look just like Elijah Wood? If that was the look they were going for, I think I could have saved Disney about $24.5 million dollars. —Irving Washington

[As if Elijah Wood wasn’t freaky-looking enough already. That was really a shitty makeup job, though. And his photo was everywhere!]


Fuck, now I’ve got to go mop up the basement. —idiosynchronic

idiosynchronic, don’t you mean your mom’s basement?

Arh ha ha ha ha.

Sorry. It’s a ‘your mom’ kind of day. —boo

[Heeeeee. A geek joke AND a your mom joke. I love it.]

5. Hmmm not so independent if you ask me—many of those movies had widespread releases. —grace b

Well they kind of need to be widespread don’t they? I mean if no one saw it, what is the point? They might as well add a “Best Indie Horror Flick” and give the award to the “Troll 4 XXX: The Snookie Sex Tape Massacre”. —Robb

To be fair, Troll 4 XXX: The Snookie Sex Tape Massacre made up in performances with what it lacked in special effects. I thought the actress who played the role of the Sex Tape was really underrated, even if the cheesy visuals of magnetic tape strangling clueless co-eds looked like a student project. —The Wandering Parakeet

[This next one came from the story about that ridiculous new rom com about some chick capping her lover count at 20 and then going back through them and finding her true love.]

4. Why twenty? And, for that matter, why look back through those twenty if none of them were good enough to hold onto the first time? Is the upshot that she settles for one of men from her past, simply because he dicked her and isn’t totally objectionable? Because that’s not insulting at all… Or are we supposed to believe that her true love is in the lists but she was too shallow/stupid/easily distracted to figure it out at the time? And if so, how the hell does that make said person her true love? The entire premise seems to be made of fail on the same scale as the most detestable rom coms out there: How to Lose a Guy in whatever I’m already bored and I Secretly Hate My Best Friend so I’m going to ruin his/her wedding to someone he/she actually loves. Psychoses as romance for the win! —Reba

[I love when Eloquents get with the beautiful eloquence. Great job, Reba]

3. Walken has a loan-out company? Like a payday loan place? Can you imagine not paying that man back? And the creepy speech after you default?

“I’m sorry, I’m going to have to take your leg and speak to you in this creepy voice for a few hours. You understand.” —TWoP_Fan

[It’s the “you understand” that kills me.]

[The ‘Love, Actually’ review brought out some strong feelings and some Pajibans went all out with their insults. And. It. Was. Glorious. Here’s my two favorites:]

2. I LOOOOOOOVE this movie, you ass-wiping cunt weasel, Rowles. I will vehemently defend my right to love the ever-loving dogshit out of this saccharin-infested cum dumpster of a movie until the day I get fucked til I die.

So there. —dammitjanet


I sisterfucking love motherfucking Love, Actually.

For starters, what’s not to love about a movie that celebrates proper grammar IN THE FUCKING TITLE!?!?! Commas people. FUCKING COMMAS.

Sweet hot buttered Jesus , what in the fucking hell is wrong with you fucking people? Quit washing down those hater tots with haterade and step into my office because you’re FUCKING FIRED.

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool, fuck you.

I’m out.

“Just in cases.”

::solitary tear::

(No seriously, I love Pajiba and Pajibans, but what the crap!?) —stopthemadness


[This week’s #1 came out of the thread for TK’s great article on Florida’s ridiculous new incentive to try and draw in ‘family friendly’ films into shooting there. Go read it. Then read this:]

1. What’s truly crazy is that the so-called “classic Disney” animated films won’t pass this BS litmus test. Really, think about it—Pinocchio (single gay man raising an adopted child), Cinderella (stepparent & stepsiblings, child abuse, foot fetish), Bambi (mommy killed and eaten, distant father), Snow White (murderous stepmother and an untraditional living arrangement involving one girl shacking up with 7 men) and so on. I suppose Song of the South would pass the test. —True_Blue


Thank you, and goodnight! Congratulations, True Blue! For your hilarious, disturbing and completely truthful breakdown of classic Disney films, you win a tax incentive from Florida to go there and make a movie about shooting alligators. It’s manly, and sportslike, and shows the true family values of manliness and sports-like things. Plus, a hovercraft, I guess.

Alright, boys and girls, that’s it for today. Have a good Thursday and if you must fight each other, do it like true Pajibans and write insulting poems at people, or, I don’t know, threaten people with a case of the Lindsay Lohans.

Good-day to you! I said GOOD DAY (no, really, have a good day).

Figgy lives and rages in the urban jungles of Dallas, TX. She watches too much TV as she waits to get a work permit so she can become a useful member of society. You can read her seldom-updated blog here

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.