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The PajibOlympics

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | February 25, 2010 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | February 25, 2010 |

Welcome to the last week of February, my Pajiba crazies. The Olympics are almost over and I think we can safely say that this has been The Wipeout Championships, with each country trying to outdo each other in the big splat-failure categories. But it’s part of why we watch, isn’t it? When a competition gets a little boring you’re still holding out for someone to wipe out and fall spectacularly on their asses—while also hoping they’re OK, because damn those falls look painful. Or maybe that’s just me, because I’m kind of an evil little imp sometimes. I know I’ll be sad when it’s over.

That’s about all I’ve got today. I’m in a bit of a funk because of yet another cold spell that invaded Dallas and I’m about to hit the sack after drinking a heavy dose of cold medicine. And aha! I’ll be pretty busy this week what with overhauling the apartment and other such dealios, so I’m looking for a volunteer to take over the EE for next week. I think I had a line of candidates but I honestly just forgot it, so if you want to take a shot at it, leave a comment.

So! The list! In honor of the Olympics, today I shall award medals in an attempt to be far more clever than I really am.


10. CNN is all over the Toyota guys apologizing for their crappy cars, and let me tell you, I’ve never seen such low standards of personal accountability. This world is going to hell in a Prius. Whatever happened to the good old days when Japanese leaders who fucked up fell on their swords? That would make great TV, preferably after they mock Congress:

“OUR brakes? Who are YOU to question us? When are YOU fucks gonna put the brakes on your out-of-control spending, huh? HUH? Japan just bought a bunch of T-bills from the Chi-coms and now we OWN your ass. Fuck YOU.”


*bloody executive falls on floor* -,

[To the representative from UniballTopia, we award the Tin Medal]

9. Because we’re never going to have the pleasure of seeing the actual cast of “Jersey Shore” die from dysentery, here they are on the Oregon Trail.

You’d think that dysentery would be the least of their medical concerns, what with trying to caulk every wagon that rolls by. —branded

[To the competitor from the great country of Ew-Gross-Nia, we award the Aluminum Medal]

8. He looks like a crescent moon, doesn’t he? —Jo ‘Mama’ Besser

[To the outstanding athlete competing in the noble sport of Things to Compare Jay Leno To, we award the Brass Medal]

7. Did you know that Kirsten Dunst’s name anagrams to “Dr. Sunkentits”?

The more you know! —Stoat(Cat)

[The representative of ShortandSweetia receives the Zinc Medal]

6. Oh, Phil, we as a community apologize for our mainstream tastes. We, like the rest of the world, operate under the assumption that if something is popular and critically acclaimed, it must be bad. Only undiscovered gems like Glitter that were panned and nobody went to see are worth our time. It’s no use having an interesting discussion about a smart, beautiful, entertaining movie when we could be offbeat and quirky.

We hipsters are such misanthropes and society-phobes that we believe that Popular and Excellent are mutually exclusive. Therefore, the next feature in the Pajiba Movie Club will be Barbarella: Queen of the Galaxy.



[The independent and fiery country of KidsTheseDaysistan is awarded the Copper Medal]

5. Everytime I see that picture of Jonah Hill, I wonder what went thru his mind…
Let see, I’m schlubby with a really bad jewfro, what can I do to look more attractive…. Hmmm… I know, grow a huge patch of ass grass on my three chins. That should do it! —Drake

[After an outstanding performance in the field of Making Fun of Really Ugly People With Bad Facial Hair, Draketonia receives an Iron Medal]

4. Nadine—reminds me of a tough old raccoon we took to naming “Clint” because it would hold us hostage in the house by planting itself on the porch and staring us down through the door. Nothing would compel that bitch to move.

My sister still has nightmares about the squirrels at her old dorm; someone started feeding them, and they went from cute to nasty in no time. God help you if you didn’t have food for them when you left; they’d latch onto your pant legs and draw blood.

I have these tiny ones at my house now that have taken over the barn, and they drive away other animals ten times their size, and chatter at me when I dare to enter what they consider their domain. My favorite moment to date—they would use a hole in the barn wall to leap into a nearby tree, and one day as I was riding by on the tractor, one launched itself right past my face. Our eyes locked as he flew by, and the level of hostility in that little beady-eyed face was unreal. He made it clear that my days were numbered. —DeadBessie

[The now-obliterated nation of DeadBessieny receives the postmortem Medal of Steel]

3. He’s also going to star in a romcom where he’s a dentist who’s secretly blind and falls in love with his heroin addicted receptionist, who happens to be deaf. I heard he had an action movie coming out where he’s a soldier who had his arms chopped off by the Taliban while fighting in Afghanistan. He goes rogue, has his stumps fitted for chainsaws and goes all Evil Dead on their terrorist asses.

There’s a new thriller coming out where he’s been stranded on an island with the entire crew of a 17th century pirate ghost ship. They have his girlfriend and he has to exorcise the entire crew before they put their cold, clammy, undead boners in her.

Seriously… we should make this a sport! —Roaddog

[Roaddog receives the Bronze Medal for Achievement in Predicting What Nicolas Cage’s Next Project Will Be. If he/she turns out to be right, Cage shall be thrown off a cliff]

2. I love these shows! I actually have more respect for Ghost Hunters since they seem (or used to anyways) to at least be willing to say that the weird noise from down the hall might not be a ghost or that a house might NOT be haunted.

As for Most Haunted, those people are so silly. I always imagine that there might actually be a ghost in the places that the investigators are in, but they are being so spastic that they don’t notice them.

I imagine the poor ghost, following the investigators around, knocking stuff over, whispering in ears, and waving it’s hands in front of their eyes — all for nothing. However, when a pen falls out of someone’s pocket, the investigators lose their shit.

*MH (Most Haunted Lady)- Omygawdomygawd! Did you hear that? I felt something touch my leg! SOMETHING TOUCHED MY LEG!

*Ghost - Um…you dropped your pen.

*MH- Omygawdomygawd, I feel the spirit of the murdered woman standing next to me!

Can you hear me spirit?

*Ghost - Seriously, lady, you dropped your pen.

*MH- She’s trying to talk to me! -ahem- You touched me just now, can you do it again? Can you make a noise? Can you touch me again?

*Ghost- Lady, I’m non-corporal…I can’t touch shit. I wasn’t even murdered! I fell down the… OK, you know what, why am I explaining? This bitch can’t even hear me.

*MH- I FELT IT AGAIN! OK, if you are there, can you move this pen I just found on the floor? Was this your pen? This pen that says “Most Haunted” on the side? This was your pen, wasn’t it? You want me to stop touching your pen?

*Ghost - -facepalm- Fuck this noise. I’m going to Meatloaf’s house. —ZombieNurse

[In an incredibly close contest, the representative of Zombie Hospitaltochia is awarded the Silver Medal. They were just barely nudged aside by our winner, who achieved victory by a margin of eightysixteenfive hundredths of a second! Because that is totally a real number!]

1. I have never followed the pitter patter of the shit twitter, but I am still certain the Shat shall shine. There has to be a tongue twister in here somewhere.
Shatner shall shout shitty schtick like that twitterer twitted shitty twits ‘till Shatner’s spiel spawns shitty spin-off twittered tweets. —Cindy



*Cindytopia States of Awesome, not Confederate States of America.

And upon revision, the judges have decided that the Gold Medal was won by a landslide, based on pure genius in the face of, um, great danger and stuff. She wins a pot of petunias and the acclaim of the PajibOlympic participants. Which means everyone here, because we are all winners. Congratulations, Cindy!

So we come to the end of the PajibOlympics. Hope you enjoyed, and please excuse my limited knowledge of metals. At least I haven’t had hairplugs put in like a certain announcer whose name rhymes with Schmob Schmostas. Thank you, Canada! Figs out!

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.

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