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Katherine Heigl Will Play Muffy Honeycrisp

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | February 11, 2010 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | February 11, 2010 |

It’s Valentine’s Day this Sunday: have YOU bought your cheapo generic gift yet? Come on you lazy bum, she’s never gonna know you lover her if you don’t get her a card from the red aisle at WalMart! LOVE! Not that I don’t love getting chocolate and flowers, mind you, but the whole Valentine’s Day is pretty ridiculous and almost embarrassing, particularly when it comes to the barrage of ads playing on TV right now. Yes, the best way to show your love is to give your significant other what the commercials tell you to. Make the minimum amount of effort and everything will be grand!

I don’t know why I’m ranting about this, except that I’m just completely sick of the flood ads on TV (plus I just watched Paranormal Activity and was so disappointed I’m a little pissed off). I think it’s great to have a day where couples get to do stuff together in a special sort of way (kind of like how Christmas is a good day for families) and I know that Pajibans are more creative and ingenious than the get-a-chocolate-heart-for-her types. I hope so, at least. So I hope everyone has a good time celebrating the way they want to and not the way they’re told to, even if that involves (like with Mr. fig and I), watching comedies and eating popcorn and chocolate cake. Or doing nothing at all, which is always the best way to spend a Sunday. Enjoy the opening to the Winter Olympics (is it snowing in Vancouver yet?) and bundle up, because it seems like it’s going to be snowing EVERYWHERE these next few days. It’s even supposed to snow in Dallas, and just today I was mocking my northern friends for freaking out all over facebook. Snowball in my face.

So stay warm, stay sexy and like us, go buy truckloads of cheap chocolate the day after Valentine’s. That’s when it really counts. And please, please, please, don’t go watch the Valentine’s Day movie. Or let anyone you know go watch it. Please.

10. Shut up, George. —Snuggiepants the Deathbringer


9. They could call it “A Star is Born: Sasha and the Porkbus” but I still wouldn’t see it. Even in 3D. —Chickaboom

[I will never get tired of the “Porkbus” thing. It’s genius. Robin Hood shouldn’t be so fat, dammit.]

8. Y’know, I actually prefer these movies, where the people know they’re being picked off one by one, to the old missing-person routine.

“Where’s Johnnie?”

“Oh, Johnnie went off into the woods alone like an hour ago.”

“Why would he do that? Doesn’t he know that Karen is missing?”

“He went looking for Suzie.”

“Wait, Suzie is missing too?”

“Yeah, Bill said that she probably just went into town with Dan since he’s gone too, but I can’t find Bill anywhere to verify whether or not this is true.”

“We’d better call the police.”

“The phone is missing.”



[superasente is quickly becoming one of my favorites. Everything he says is great]

7. But just think of the possibilities for Saint Patrick’s Day [the movie].

Ten lonely, skinny, beautiful, well-dressed, fabulously-employed women despair that they have no-one to hold their hair back while they puke and pass out in the gutter. Hijinks ensue, they meet men, and all live happily ever after while awaiting liver transplants in their 30s. —PaddyDog

[Please, people. Please!]

6. My elderly dog’s name is Spunky, so called after Rocko’s Modern Life. Boy, did I hit the nail on the head with that name. He’s a raging ass with a low IQ, but he’s still less of a bitch than Katherine Heigl. —Robert

[Don’t complain about the Heigl hate. She deserves it because she sucks. Plus it makes for some really priceless comments.]

5. Anyone remember that lousy movie where Rebecca Romijn is screwing Banderas and someone else and a chick and there’s some diamonds and mobsters and whatever?

I just remember how ridiculously hilarious it was to watch 6 foot Romijn manhandle 5’8 Antonio. It was like an Amazon hooking up with a sexy jalapeno pepper with greasy hair.
Point is, if Gina Carano (drool) is standing next to Banderas and they’re going at it, I’m gonna laugh again as I watch the female equivalent of a middle linebacker shacking up with the Spanish place kicker. —D-Day

4. The only thing that’s gonna save Copout is its R rating. Tracy Morgan is probably the least funny thing since strapping a kitten to a steel toed boot and kicking a baby. —Manny

[Don’t know about you, Manny, but that sounds really, really funny to me. But I’m kind of sick in the head.]

3. What is hypocrasy? Is that the European spelling of hypocrazy? Is it that point just below crazy where you haven’t actually started talking to inanimate objects, but you’re preparing your arguments and should probably consult a physician about taking crazy pills to get you to the healthy level of crazy you need so you can finally put the toaster in his place about who’s the best Power Ranger? That’s what I’m wondering about. —jM

[I love the smell of a smackdown in the morning.]

[this next one almost made it to #1. And I have to say I’ve never felt more chagrined and more amused at the same time. I held my head down in shame! While giggling!]

2. *ring ring*

Oh, hey, figgy, what’s up?
Oh? Just hanging out? Enjoying the married life?

Yeah, it’s a quiet night for me too. I have a problem set due tomorrow, so…

Oh, no, I didn’t get a chance to watch The Office yet. Yeah, I’m pretty excited about there being an actual plot this week, so…

WHAT? You’re giving spoilers on PAD? So if I happen to be Pajibing more than 2 minutes after the episode ends, I’ll find out what happens?

Oh? It wasn’t a major spoiler? True, I guess. I mean, it isn’t like the Wallace thing started in the middle of the episode or anything…

Yeah, it’s no biggie. I mean, it’s not like a person watching a half hour late would sit there waiting on the edge of her seat for David to show up, thereby distancing herself emotionally from the events and removing about 4/5 of the awkwardness or anything.

haha, yes! Dustin would totally do that!

No way. Nathan Fillion is WAY hotter.

OK! Say hi to Mr. figz! Bye! —esme

[I’m so, so sorry, esme. Really!]

[And now our #1…is going to a bunch of people for the first time (maybe) in EE history. Because it started out so damn randomly, and then it built up and exploded all over the place and it was a succession of hilarious comments. And it involves one of the best games ever invented: Mad Libs]:

1. Heigl will play Stephanie Plum, an unemployed lingerie buyer who becomes a bounty hunter to make ends meet.

Is this supposed to be movie role Mad Libs?

Heigl will play Tiffany Kumquat, an unemployed chimney sweep who becomes a deep sea fisherwoman to make ends meet. —branded

Hmmm, let me try:

Katherine Heigl will play Andrea Tinned-Peach, an unemployed snowmobile repairman who becomes a slave trader to make ends meet.

Wow, this IS fun! —Jim Doggie

Oh Oh MY TURN!!!

Katherine Heigl will play Muffy Honeycrisp, an unemployed Shakespearean hamster breeder who becomes an ice cube gourmet to make ends meet. —bleujayone

Katherine Heigl will play Svetlana , an unemployed tightrope walker who becomes a school bus driver in Kentucky to make ends meet. She is joined by her pet circus monkey, Giggles, who secretly eats one of the children each week. Hilarity ensues. —Brian


Congratulations branded, Jim Doggie, bleujayone and Brian! You all win! They were each so great that I couldn’t pick one and now you all get to fight it out for this wonderful prize of 27 dresses (all in lovely shades of mustard), a pack of cigarettes and a pie! A plum pie! It all comes nicely wrapped in tin foil and if you play nice you can each get a piece of the prize. I bet branded looks great in mustard tulle.

And don’t worry, because this is a group win you can each win the EE again in the future. You’re all equally pretty but one of you can be the prettiest one on a future contest. Enjoy!

Figgy now rages in the Dallas jungle. She lounges about trying to manage the culture shock by partaking of ridiculously cheap fast food and much barbeque. Yee-haw.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.