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The Tree of Woah!

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | January 28, 2010 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | January 28, 2010 |

Howdee do, my crew?

So much happened this week. It was Conan’s last show, and I might’ve cried when the redheaded wonder got all choked up saying goodbye (to meeee) and now the world needs to go on a revengin’ trip against The Chin of Evil. The SAG Awards happened, and I had no idea. I watched the figure skating and people fell down a lot. Can’t wait for the Olympics (and yes, I know , hates them but he hates everything and wants it to get off his lawn, dammit.) and people falling down a lot. I tried ice skating once, but my Caribbean ass was apparently too inherently hot to be able to stand up on ice very long and I gave that up but quick. So I’m excited to see even the pros fall on their asses. In other news, no one will shut up about Avatar or the iPad (“for that special time of the month!”) and how the end of the world will come when Brangelina breaks up. WHAT WILL WE DO. There was also a telethon, the puppy cam is back, and Dustin pissed off some people. Again. And I’ve been married a month and been living in the States for two, and oh boy this place is full of wonders. Like politicians who call up your phone in the middle of a campaign, or the ridiculously cheap fast food or how they charge you when people call your phone. The hell, America? We don’t even do that in the Third World. I’m rambling. It’s the after-effects of a gigantic one-month-anniversary dinner. And yes I shouldn’t be writing this but doing other things (*nudgenudge*) but I have a JOB and also we’re both too full of food for shenanigans.

So here’s your list. I had a pretty impressive crop this week, which means that either you all listened to me because I am all-powerful and all-awesome or everyone just felt a little bit more awake this week. I think it’s the first.


12. That drunken squirrel looks a lot like me on my “Oh, god, Brangelina is over! (sob)” bender.

On the plus side, my Kung-fu is now stronger than it was. —BierceAmbrose

[The first step is admitting how hurt you are. The second is drinking.]

11. I for one am stoked to finally hear that they’re bringing the Planet of the Apes musical to the big screen.

Oh! Help me Dr. Zaius! Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius!

Matthew Morrison will star and Rosie O’Donnell will play Dr. Zaius. I hear she got rave reviews in her Broadway turn in the Dr. Seuss musical. —Kayanne

[I love this and hate it because now I can’t get that damned song outta my head. “no you’ll never make a monkey out of meeeeeee”… Thank you, KAYANNE.]

10. Shia LeBeouf desperately needs to be kidnapped by barbers so someone with an ounce of decency in them can destroy that godforsaken moustache. —George

9. Wuthering Heights flashback, 1973:

So I was like in Mrs. Drywall’s English class, and we were all like supposed to be reading Wuthering Heights and all, um, uh, and then we like got to chapter 9, um, I think it was like chapter 9, or whatever, um, and then it says, “And Catherine produced an heir,” and we were all like, “What?” and um Mrs. Drywall goes like Catherine had a baby, um and we were all like, “What? She was pregnant for the last 9 months?” When did it say that in the book? I don’t remember a sex scene. So, I like actually go back and read the book and I um like still can’t figure out when she like got pregnant. And I now um like feel cheated that I um actually had to read the stupid book.

FAR OUT! —Bweaves

[I Iove how Bweaves can just turn on a switch and suddenly take me back to 9th grade]

8. Hah! I lied to Red Band about my age and it let me see the trailer anyway. HAH! Fuck you, Red BaYESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSBOOBIESSSSSSSSYESSSSSSSSSSSS! — ,

[Can you be bucdaddy again? The minimalist thing is soooo over. Also this comment just cracked me the hell up, specially as I imagine arm waving and high-pitched screaming..]

7. Whoever named the iPad should have consulted a woman. Because all I can think of when I read about it is sticking the thing between my legs and bleeding ALL over it.

In completely unrelated news, I’ve ruined my iPhone in an unfortunate experiment. —esme

[That…is exactly what I thought. And eeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! And now I’m gonna be accused of having an obsession…]

[Now a double from the awesome bleujayone]

6. “How Do You Say “Goodbye” in Guido? ” P-E-N-I-C-I-L-L-I-N —bleujayone

How much more awesome would this show be if Billy Zane and Clancy Brown just decided to have a one hour long sword fight throughout the office? After tearing through the hallways, Brown would chop of Zane’s head bellowing “There can be only one…board director!” The thunderbolts of his Quickening would strike down the office pretty boys after which he’d grab Victoria the Office Vampire by her hair and drag her back to his office for a hate-shag session. Upon reemerging for cold coffee and a stale cheese danish, he is horrified to find a very much alive and well Zane waiting for him sporting purple tights. “H-h-how?”, sputters Brown. “Easy”, replies Zane,”Dead Man’s Injunction.” After which he knocks Brown out with a skull shaped fist ring followed by sloppy seconds with the Office Vampire.

I have now written a better plot that the one I was subjected to. It would make just about as much sense as the current storyline and be far more compelling and entertaining. You’re welcome. —bleujayone

[A conversation:]

5. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Does it end a sentence in a preposition?! ITS GRAMMAR BITCH!!!*Cue inspiring soundtrack* —Nadine

With her Punctuation Pole! It’s. Not Its.

Sorry Nadine. Grammar Bitch couldn’t resist. She is a dirty whore in that way.

MM: Grammar Bitch will slap you silly with her Grammar Glove and cane your rosy buttocks with her trusty Syntax Stick.

We can save the Punctuation Pole for the second date. —Lindsey with an ‘e’

Syntax Stick! Ha! Good one. Do your worst. —MM

Ooooh a Challenge! Maybe we can break out the Punctuation Pole a bit early. And the Conjugation Cuffs. —Lindsey with an ‘e’

Watch out, Lindsey with an ‘e’, someone will poach your alter ego for feature film fodder. The only differences are Grammar Bitch becomes G-Girl, she fights an alien race of stray punctuation marks, and has the power to cause explosions with her Twitter iPhone app because Direct Michael Bay likes explosions. -Robert

4. Speaking of Fans

Twilight convention this weekend at the Opryland hotel! If you are in Nashville, can we carpool? I need a good size car because of my issue. —Human Centipede

[This thing will never stop being hilarious and disgusting.]

3. You know what? Samuel L. Jackson is awesome and more badass than you can imagine combined in a burrito of HOLYCRAPDIDYOUJUSTDOTHAT?!?!?!?! I’d watch him read the dictionary, sitting in an armchair, by the fire, in a fucking robe with a pipe. Cuz you just know he’s gonna get to that second word and slam the book shut, throw it into the fireplace, say, “I’m tired of this motherfucking book in my motherfucking DEN!”, get up, kick your ass, and then put the pipe out in your ass.

Cuz that’s how he rolls. And it gets you hot. —Shadows of Dakaron

[*fans self*]

[re: the surfer dude cast as the new Conan:]

2. “To rip up some gnarly waves; to see the skags wipeout before you; and to hear the high-pitched shrieking of their hardbodied hotties.”

“Crucify him on the Tree of Whoa!” —Dill The Devil

[And your #1!]

1. Harrison Ford is the American Sean Connery.

And despite the fact that Sean Connery made Zardoz AND The League of Extraordinary Gentleman AND had time to tell Barbara Walters he slaps his wife around occasionally, even he’s telling Henry Jones Jr. to hang em up.

If you’re out there Indy, I still love you.

(p.s. just browsed Indy’s IMDB page. Did you know his character name in Random Hearts was “Dutch Van Den Broek”? First off, Dutch was retired by Arny in Predator. Second of all, the idea that he’s named “Dutch” is redundant when your last name is “Van Den Broek”. That’s like having a character named “German von Hitzlespringerstock” or “Italian De Scungilli”, or “Irish McPugilisticDrinklotsFreckleFace”. —D-Day


Congratulations, D-Day! You and your disturbingly strong love for ol’ Indy were on fire on that thread, and you win the week. Hey, what did you think of Six Days and Seven Nights or whatever the hell that movie he did with Anne Heche was called? If we were still giving out DVDs that’s totally what you’d get because fuck, if you need proof that Harrison Ford is all-powerful and can make even a hideous monstrosity of a movie watchable, it’s that one. He’s all leathery-tanned and shouty.

As it is, though, you get, um … a perfectly-weighed bag of sand like the one Indy used in Raiders to steal that idol. And he failed. I don’t know, it’s all I could think of in the midst of this food coma. Maybe you can use it as a paper weight, or to try to perfect your idol-stealing skills. Enjoy!

See you all next week, and don’t feed the Centipede.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.