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Hairy-Ass Travolta

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | January 14, 2010 |

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | January 14, 2010 |

Ahoy hoy sailors! I return to you now at the turn of the tide and yadda yadda yadda, I’m a married lady now so you best show some respect. It was a crazy end of the year, but everything went beautifully and now I’m settling down in the old TX and wondering why the fuck it’s been so cold here and wasn’t I promised more barbeque? No barbeque since the wedding people, it ain’t right. And no, barbeque is not a euphemism. Pervs.

I don’t even know. Thank you so much to jM and of course the smokin’ Mr….smokin, whom I had the delight to meet along with gp in Houston and I still wish I could take them both home and keep as pets. Pajibans make good pets, I bet. Toilet trained and snarky. Well, who knows about gp. Anyway. It’s good to be back, and now I’ll try to get back into the swing of things and start this year off properly: with ballsy Pajiba comments and me back at the helm. So work it, bitches, and you better bring it fierce this year. Though, what the hell with comments today (Wednesday that is)? Where the hell was everybody? It was too damn quiet, and it gets disturbing around here when it’s quiet. I’ll have TK bring back a dingo to threaten all your babies with unless you comment more. Give me something here, people.

Alright. Here’s the list.

10. “Yes, when I think of the kind of woman who can run an aerospace company, I think of a 22-year-old pile of hair extensions, boobs, and Herve Leger bandage dresses. Good job Hollywood!”

Wow. I’m trying to visualize a hairy, well dressed pile of boobs yelling at Ryan Reynolds. It’s probably a better movie than this one-some soft of Sci Fi romcom.

She’s a planet conquering,flesh eating mutant alien fashionista! He’s a wacky delivery boy/secret agent and Earth’s last hope! See them feud, fight and fall in love in “ZOORGBOOB and Ted forever!! In 3D!!”*

*spoiler-she eats him. —mrcreosote

9. Also, that Notorious film was indeed atrocious. Biggie’s life was so dull that they had to make up all of that nonsense about him being a crack dealer. A wasted opportunity. If you’re going to make shit up you might as well go hog wild and have him be a mad scientist or battling robots or maybe even a Biggie vs. Predator spin off.

Tupac’s life, on the other, provides far more interesting fodder for a potential film. His mother - a former Black Panther - was pregnant with him in jail, they moved all over the United States, Tupac took ballet lessons…. Make that movie and my money says it would be better than Step Right Up and Honey combined.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go dance my way out these motherfuckin’ streets. —TSF

[Hee. I’d watch Biggie battling Predator. And then the monster eats P. Diddy.]

8. “Allowing” women to propose every 4 years? What’s next, letting them vote? —Davmaticus

[Really, that premise alone makes me want to beat the shit out of everyone involved in that movie.]

7. In the spirit of Pajibitchery, I must protest the lack of inclusion of Where the Wild Things Are. Your list is lovely and I can respect it, and I therefore demand reciprocity. Please consider at least spiritually adding this stunningly beautiful, emotionally heartfelt and at times devastating film. Else I shall be forced to kill George even before he comes in to piss all over the place.

In all sincerity,

Big C. —Cindy

[THAT is how you disagree with a best-of list. Respectful, scary, and with threats to eat a teenager. I love Cindy so much.]

6. OK, hotshot, your girl forwards you a link to this preview, and asks, “you wouldn’t cheat on me, would you?” What. Do. You. Do?

The correct answer is: I would shoot Jeff Daniels. —Lance

[This was about that Amanda Seywhatshername monstrosity trailer. Well done, Lance.]

5. So Tsutomu Yamaguchi survives two nuclear weapons blasts and lives to the ripe old age of 93.

You realize his kids were probably never allowed to cry…ever. He had the ultimate argument winner right in his back pocket like an irradiated Swiss Army Knife.

“Daddy, I fell down and got a boo-boo on my knee and…”

“SO WHAT?!? I survived not one but TWO atomic bombs- suck it up buttercup!”

“Dad, some kid at school gave me a bloody nose…”

“TWO ATOMIC BOMBS! You’d have thought the U.S. was going after me personally!”

“I fell and broke my arm…”

“SWEET & SOUR JESUS- when I got hit with 1/2 million rads- how was it my “pussy” sperms survived?!?” —bleujayone

[His kids must’ve hated his guts…]

4. Okay, since you brought up his name, please someone enlighten me as to why people like Bradley Cooper? He looks like an emu. He has crazy giant maniacal eyes in a strange lurching head that’s perched on a body that’s too small to support it. He can’t act: it’s the same grinning and failing attempt at charm in every movie and he has way too many rom-coms in his corner to be taken seriously. —PaddyDog



3. I wonder how Lohan managed to score blow in India. Did the BBC provide it for her, did she bring her own? —BarbadoSlim

I think Lohan inhaled curry, Slim. It made her hair red again. That, and period rug-munching.

AW, NO SHE DI’INT! —Bizarro Sofía

[Hahahahahahaha- ewwwwwwwwwww—hahahahahaaha-eeeeeeeeeewwwwww!]

2. How ever much I enjoy Lost it’s biggest failing to me has always been that it isnt a remake of the 1950s black and white Lord of the Flies… Im still hoping the whole shebang is Piggy’s revenge and the show finishes with a big digression from Piggy about conches and the difference between Camberley and Cambridge.

And thus we have the greatest Disney attraction ever. Children and adults get the chance to play at being Piggy, Jack, Roger, Religious metaphor kid, SamnEric and the Beast. Marvel at the graphic realism of Piggy getting smashed by the rock. Wonder at the life affirming team work that allows you and all the family to beat the shit outta Religious metaphor kid.

We guarantee that all the family will be singing timeless classics like kill the pig, smash it’s brains in. Come one, come all, relive your childhood. —jim of the lower case

[Mommy, mommy! Why is that pig’s head on a spike? Mommy? MOMMY?! AAAAUGH!]

[And now our #1, which really has two winners, for the set-up and the response]

1. bald bad ass Travolta

I read that as bald ass Travolta.

Good Lord I hope his ass is bald. Hairy ass Travolta is just disgusting. —mswas

Oh, new job market: Bald Ass Toupee Maker!

(Watch, now some ass is going to come in here all, ‘My father’s mother’s, sister’s cousin was a Bald Ass Toupee Maker!’ And I will have to give the only proper response, ‘This ain’t Roots, bitch!’) —TWoP Fan


These two comments have everything I love: 1) hilarious misreadings, 2) John Travolta (not his ass) 3) Someone running away with the misreading and taking it into a completely new level of absurdity, 4) completely wrong mental images, 5) Roots.

So congratulations, mswas and TWoP fan! Between the two of you you’ve collected the Comment…Pentagon (Pentacle?)…of Win. And you’ve won! You’ve won your very own Ass Toupes! They come in Brown, Afro and Bill Clinton Editions! Pick your own, send pictures to Dustin and enjoy your stroll down the Pajiban Hall of fame! Glory will be yours forever!

That’s it for tonight. I’d like to dedicate this thread to Bradley “Emu” Cooper, John Travolta’s ass and TK’s dingo babies. Be good and see you all next week!

They call me MRS figgy.

The Ghost Writer Trailer | Pajiba Love 01/14/10

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here, follow him on Twitter, or listen to his weekly TV podcast, Podjiba.