Yesterday's 'Zoom Dick' Is Today's #MeToobin

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | October 20, 2020 |

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | October 20, 2020 |

Yesterday, Jeffrey Toobin was suspended from his position at the New Yorker (and he’s taking some “time off” from CNN) because he got caught jerking off to a “second window” during a Zoom call with his co-workers.

Toobin, a fixture on CNN, "has asked for some time off while he deals with a personal issue, which we have granted," the network said. I asked him if he had any further comment, but he referred back to what he told Vice, including that "I believed I was not visible on Zoom."

— Brian Stelter (@brianstelter) October 20, 2020

Toobin suffered a round of social-media humiliation for the episode yesterday, but today, thank god, people are coming to his defense and birthing the #MeToobin movement:

When Occam's Razor suggests someone humiliated himself through a combo of technological error, pandemic circumstances, bad judgment, & bad luck, it seems like we should react w/ empathy, politeness, & forgiveness, as we would want to be treated, rather than punitive mockery

— Conor Friedersdorf (@conor64) October 19, 2020

Don’t shame public masturbation. Could have been any one of us.#MeToobin

— AntiFa Public Service Announcements (@daddylongballz) October 20, 2020

Thank you, Twitter, because who is going to stand up for the middle-aged white guy if not us?! We must protect this man who had an affair with his co-worker’s daughter, impregnated her, tried to force her to have an abortion, and then forced her to take him to court before he would provide support for the child despite the fact that their affair lasted for a decade.

But seriously: We’re a messy, complicated species. Affairs happen. Pregnancies happen. People masturbate. There’s nothing inherently wrong with any of that. Masturbating during a Zoom call with your colleagues during an important election simulation call, however, is not really OK! The fact that Toobin thought they couldn’t see him doesn’t make it OK! If Toobin was in the office and jerking off under his desk in a way that his colleagues could not see, that wouldn’t be OK, either.

At the very least, a suspension and a little mockery seems warranted. To wit:

Dear men, on zoom, the camera does NOT add inches.#MeToobin

— I made a funny, son! 🌊 (@pissandvinegar1) October 20, 2020

CNN has asked Toobin to resign but he said he'd rather stick it out at CNN. #MeToobin

— Nick Easter (@nickeaster19) October 20, 2020

Whacking off via zoom helps him avoid impregnating his colleagues’ daughters. #metoobin

— Al MacNeil (@MacneilAl) October 20, 2020

I’m not going to show it, but O.J. Simpson also made a joke at Toobin’s expense, but this is the only thing worth mentioning in that regard:

OJ Simpson's scolding Jeff Toobin broke Jake Tapper #MeToobin pic.twitter.com/2wMWoHAYM3

— Will Wants You To Remember GOP Insider Trading (@bywillpollock) October 20, 2020

But also, seriously:

America making excuses for a man masterbating on a work meeting call is a great example of the patriarchy functioning the way it was built. Yikes America #MeToobin

— Kelsi (@thebasichippie) October 20, 2020

Toobin is going to be fine, just like Richard Quest — the CNN anchor discovered in Central Park in 2008 with meth in his pocket and a rope wrapped around his neck and his genitals — is doing just fine today. Everyone loves second chances and comeback stories (as long as wealthy white men are making the comebacks).