Look—it’s the holidays. It’s a time to spend with your family, you know, the people you are bound to by blood and/or marriage, and who know how to get on your last nerve.
Perhaps, if you’re like me, your sole purpose in life is to hoard Beanie Babies until they finally regain their value that was promised to us in the mid-to-late ’90s; and follow the Royal Family’s every move. So if you are keeping up with the Cambridges (and the Sussexes) You’ll know that the tabloids are reaching a crescendo of stories about how the two families are falling out over a number of things:
So look, there’s clearly only one way for this to resolve itself…
It’s going to come to blows, and Pajiba is here to let you know who will ultimately come out ahead.
First, these are the Royals we’re talking about so their fight won’t be some all out brawl you see at a bar on a Friday night after the ceremonial “bros” are exchanged, baseball hats are turned backwards, and chests are sufficiently thumped. No, they will go about this civilized, with proper rules of engagement set. Perhaps it will take the form of a capture the flag game, a waltz off, or a competition of who can breed the most magnificent mare, but make no mistake, people, they will do battle.
So who will win?
Look, we could do a whole rundown of each of the four’s strengths and weaknesses, but I think there is a not-so-obvious yet clear winner, so let’s just get to the punchline, shall we?
Kate “I’ll-F*ck-You-Straight-Up” Middleton would clearly come out ahead once the dust settled.
I’ll tell you for why:
1) It’s always the quiet ones you have to watch out for. They stick in the background, mind their business, but when it comes time to thrown down, they always rise to the occasion—and you’re screwed because you haven’t paid enough attention to them up until it’s too late. You know none of their tactics, and they’ve had all the time in the world to study yours.
2) She’s sporty AF. We don’t know a lot about Kate’s interests, but we do know she’s really into sports. While Meghan was out there acting, Kate was sporting it up. That means not only is she physical (if that’s how they chose to do battle) but also that she’s competitive. Look at how she wields that hockey stick below, friends. Would you want to be on the receiving end of that?
3) She’s had three kids, so clearly she has a high pain threshold. This needs no explanation.
Let us hope that when it comes time that they decide to wage their war through words, where the others might have a chance, instead of a more physical activity—because Kate will have that on lock down.
Header Image Source: Getty