With All Due Respect, Nobody Asked You, Patrick Dempsey

Last night, Graham Platner finally officially suspended his campaign for Maine Senate, but not before trying to use his “leverage” to have a say in his replacement. What leverage? Dude was toast. And his “endorsement” would actually be a stain on whoever he chose. He seriously tried to give away a bleeding scab and call it leverage. Buddy.

The only thing that Graham Platner actually achieved was to turn the few remaining hangers-on — who all think Platner is the victim of an institutional effort to chase away a “regular person” — against whoever ends up being the nominee, and to poison whatever process is ultimately chosen to replace him.

It won’t be Maine native and star of the 1989 romantic comedy Loverboy, Patrick Dempsey. Not that it was ever going to be because, as far as I know, nobody credible was like, “You know what? We should get McDreamy on this!” Maybe there were some ladies in a midcoast knitting circle who can’t get enough of that new Fox series Memory of a Killer who briefly thought it out loud, but no one meant it seriously, Pat. Not that that stopped him from penning an op-ed in the Portland Press Herald explaining why he wouldn’t run.

“As I reflected on all of this, I kept coming back to one question: Do I truly want to serve in Congress? After a lot of thought, I realized the answer is no. Not because public service isn’t honorable — it absolutely is. But because I believe I can contribute more effectively through the life I’ve already built.”

The article is well-meaning and all. He wants someone who has humility, is honest, and puts “people before party,” which is all well and good, and, sure, thanks. But let’s all be honest: If we had to choose a Maine celebrity to replace Platner, I’m going with the guy who has actual White House experience: Timothy Simons.

Anyway, there are a lot of people vying to replace Platner, whose post-mortem I’m all too happy to skip. All the leading contenders are viable and capable of beating Susan Collins, but also probably of little interest to those outside of Maine. And that’s OK. We don’t need McDreamy to make this race sexy for folks in Ohio. We just need someone Maine independent voters will be excited to vote for, because most Maine Democrats, like myself, would be excited to vote for a ham sandwich (as long as it didn’t have a Nazi tattoo and an extensive history of sexual assault).

(p.s. I loved Loverboy, the superior version of She’s All That (and also Pygmalion).