What’s More Important to You? The Dog, or Jason Mantzoukas Surviving 'John Wick 3'?

By Kate Hudson | Celebrity | March 20, 2019 |

Jason Mantzoukas, who is a favorite hot dirtbag for many of you, is going to be in John Wick: Chapter 3 - Parabellum.

There are some new characters in the John Wick universe. Check them out on these new exclusive posters from #JohnWick3 Parabellum. pic.twitter.com/guNCQOwz1G
— IGN (@IGN) March 20, 2019

I enjoy these super violent movies (despite how gory they are) because they have thoroughly built an insane world where Keanu Reeves is an ultra-assassin who just wanted to live the good life but was thrown back into the fray because people wouldn’t leave him alone. Of course, there is a secret society and code by which these assassins live by, because if Hollywood has taught me anything, it’s that people who are very smart, very athletic, super good looking, and happen to be amoral are naturally going to find their way to a life of underworld crime, and not overworld crime by starting a health care startup based around blood.

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By now we’re well versed in the bananas universe of John Wick and recognize that to exist in the John Wick world means that you will assuredly die violently in the John Wick world. Which leads me to the crux of this article: who is it more important to you that they survive John Wick 3: John’s second dog (because ya know, the first dog died, kicking off the entire franchise and can you handle that again?!) or Mantzoukas? Because something tells me that you only get one.

Look, I’m one of those people who can’t stomach an animal dying in a movie. The Neverending Story is one of the most traumatic memories of my childhood because of how they did Artax dirty (he literally smothered to death, in mud, because he was so sad. WTF?!) In fact, as a general rule, I prefer dumb, gentle, and funny movies over gore fests, because I don’t like seeing anyone get hurt on screen, unless those people happen to be convicts who have taken over a plane, and Nicolas Cage just wants them to put the bunny back in the box. You have to accept that with a John Wick movie comes a John Wick body count, so, we gotta play within the parameters given, here. I don’t know why, but I like these particularly gloriously dumb action movies.

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I realize, however, after I posed this question on the Overlord Slack that some people would be willing to sacrifice the dog to save Mantzoukas, and I suspect at least one of the Overlords would actually sacrifice the dog for Mantzoukas.

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Yikes, I know.

Ultimately though, I cannot stomach another animal death in John Wick, so I am willing to sacrifice all adults (save for Keanu) to get that desired outcome.

I basically assume any of the people getting got in a Wick movie, on some level, have it coming. Or as the great assassin Martin Q. Blank once put it: