There is little in life I am afraid of, but I come to you today because I am afraid of Jennifer Aniston. Let me backtrack. There I was, earlier today, minding my own business, drinking my tallboy of Diet Coke, reading People.com as I do basically every day, because I am a creature of habit and I must adhere to a certain routine, lest the universe fold in on itself (just go with it.) Anyway, there I was, living my best life when I came across this article: “Jennifer Aniston Says This Past Year Has Taught Her ‘How Much I’m Capable Of’” Cue the danger music, right? It gets worse, this is a direct quote from the article itself:
So what has 2019 taught her about herself? “How much I’m capable of,” Aniston tells PEOPLE in this week’s issue, where she and three other cover stars are celebrated as People of the Year. “The words, ‘I dare you’ or ‘No’ always make me kind of go, ‘Oh, okay. Well, let’s just see.’”
Look, 2019 has taught me a lot of things. It, like basically every year since 2015, is a living hellscape, but understanding what you’re “capable of” is usually saved for situations when you’re surviving on a mountain after a plane crash with your soccer team, or are doing you in a zombie apocalypse. I mean, sure, it could be an innocuous phrase meant to convey personal growth and challenging oneself … or, well, maybe Jennifer Aniston has seen some s*it this year and now has developed a taste for chaos and we all need to stay out of her way, especially because she essentially has unlimited resources?
Is it likely? No. But was it likely that the first Oscar winner from the Twilight franchise would be Rami Malek when Kellan Lutz was right there all along?! Exactly.
Look, all I’m saying is—sure, Jennifer Aniston may have found a new creative space where she’s accomplishing really cool stuff and gave People a fluffy pull quote, or, well, maybe the bonds of society have broken down ever so slightly for her. Do you really want to find out which one that is if you encounter her in a dark alley?
I rest my case.
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