Friends, on the rare occasion I have reason to think about Moby, I stop myself, because really, there’s no good reason to think about Moby, ever, so I don’t. In the immortal words of Steff from Pretty in Pink, Moby “was, is, and will always be nada.” So you’ll imagine my surprise this morning when people were not only talking about him but having opinions on him like it’s 2002 all over again. What a wild, crazy world this is!
Moby is not making news because he’s doing anything important (did he ever?) but rather because he’s creepily claiming that he dated Natalie Portman back in the day, in his new memoir.
Natalie, of course, said not no, but hell no to the allegations in an interview with Harpers Bazaar UK:
“I was surprised to hear that he characterized the very short time that I knew him as dating because my recollection is a much older man being creepy with me when I just had graduated high school,” Portman told us. “He said I was 20; I definitely wasn’t. I was a teenager. I had just turned 18. There was no fact checking from him or his publisher — it almost feels deliberate. That he used this story to sell his book was very disturbing to me. It wasn’t the case. There are many factual errors and inventions. I would have liked him or his publisher to reach out to fact check.”
“I was a fan and went to one of his shows when I had just graduated,” she said. “When we met after the show, he said, ‘let’s be friends’. He was on tour and I was working, shooting a film, so we only hung out a handful of times before I realized that this was an older man who was interested in me in a way that felt inappropriate.”
Moby, not realizing that he should quit while he was ahead, thought it prudent to print receipts, via an Instagram post (you know, the preferred medium for 53-year old grown men) where he is shirtless, and “Natalie Portman” has the uncomfortable grin you plaster on when you don’t want to escalate a situation, but you clearly aren’t happy with it either. Yes. This definitely proves you “dated,” Moby.
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I recently read a gossip piece wherein Natalie Portman said that we’d never dated. This confused me, as we did, in fact, date. And after briefly dating in 1999 we remained friends for years. I like Natalie, and I respect her intelligence and activism. But, to be honest, I can’t figure out why she would actively misrepresent the truth about our(albeit brief)involvement. The story as laid out in my book Then It Fell Apart is accurate, with lots of corroborating photo evidence, etc. Thanks, Moby Ps I completely respect Natalie’s possible regret in dating me(to be fair, I would probably regret dating me, too), but it doesn’t alter the actual facts of our brief romantic history
If I may, before we continue, I need to get this off my chest: What. A. F*cking. Dork. Moby. Is.
Wait, not done yet.
Sorry, one more is needed.
Last one, promise.
OK. Now that that’s out of the way, we need to get down to business about what’s really going on, here.
Friends, you are going to be surprised on this one, but it’s true. Moby probably did date something that he believed to be Natalie Portman. I’ll explain.
See, Moby, as you’ve probably surmised, is a mediocre white dude of questionable talent who clearly overestimates his abilities with the ladies. He also is inexplicably a fairly successful musician who has gone on multiple world tours, including one in 1999, which is about the time he said he dated “Natalie Portman.” Are you picking up what I’m laying down?
Friends, it’s obvious. When you’re a self-aggrandizing d-bag of a level, that at 33, you think 18-year old Natalie Portman is going to want to date you, you’re going to attract a lot of attention from the parts of the world that don’t typically get as much attention as the more mundane parts.
Yes, when it’s spelled out like that it’s clear, isn’t it?
The “woman” in the picture above clearly isn’t the real Natalie Portman, but rather a shape-shifting cryptoid (I believe either a selkie, a Huli jing, or any fae that belongs to the unseelie court) who took on the appearance of Natalie Portman. Its goal was to get physically close to Moby to get an imprint of him, to eventually come back and find him and do whatever it is a creature like that does with an aging electronica dude who thinks now is the time to publish a memoir and creepily insist he dated Natalie Portman when she was not into him, and clearly age inappropriate.
Anyway, I imagine Moby is the type of dude who if you stand in line behind him to get a coffee, he’ll claim that you guys totally hooked up, so I’m going to close this clearly very factual post by posing some helpful tips on how to disparage Moby when he claims you dated:
Get an empty soda can, and fill it with pebbles. Every time Moby tries to say you dated, shake the can vigorously at him, and tell him “No” in a firm, yet calm manner. Soon he’ll get the picture.
If Moby insists on touching you while shirtless with the intention to later claim it as photographic evidence that you were dating, keep a small spray bottle full of water, and spritz it at him as he approaches you, and tell him “No” in a firm, yet calm manner. Soon he’ll get the picture.
Finally, if all else fails, and Moby is still claiming he dated you despite your best efforts to dissuade him, I suggest you go out into the woods, on a full moon, and bring your crystals, a dagger, black candles, and an earthen bowl. Create a sacred alter, do a blood sacrifice (your own will do) and call upon Hecate, goddess of necromancy (among other things), and a general good gal to have in your corner. She can help you get in touch with whatever creature imprinted on Moby to go finish its mission.
After all, this is a man who thought it was a fun party trick to whip out his d*ck in public, and see how many celebrities (you know, human beings) he could rub it on, just for sh*ts and gigs.
Basically, what I’m saying is, it’s time for the creature to come back, and go full Jennifer’s Body on Moby because this dude deserves to get got.