Don’t cry, Kim! Everything is awesome!
Before I start this swingin’ cocktail party, I want to address something that happens in every comment thread every time I post about the Kardashian family. Inevitably, some precious puddle of naive will say, “If you stop talking about them, they’ll go away.” Or, someone will snort, “Fuck you for printing this article. Seriously. You mock them and yet you still post articles about them. You want them to go away? STOP TALKING ABOUT THEM!” (a direct quote from last time)
Babies, babies, babies. You are assuming something entirely incorrect. You are assuming I want them to go away.
Why would I want them to leave us? The Kardashians are a pop culture shitshow, a complete implosion of all that is good in the world. I NEED THEM.
I hate them so much. I hope they’re around forever.
I am clearly a masochist. I write about celebrity gossip. On Pajiba. Obviously, I am not well. So, upon reading in a THR piece about Bonnie Hammer that she desires to up the Kardashian ante to possibly six separate hours of programming, I was thrilled.
I DON’T EVEN WATCH THE FUCKING SHOW(s).
The Kardashians are a hateful descent into the decadent idiocy so beloved by simpletons and wannabes the world over. They represent a dumbing down so fervent that it may actually result in a complete shifting of matter until we are all incredibly stupid liquids. BUT. “People” like the Kardashians are among our last safe sources of schadenfreude. Most laughable celebrities are coated in a layer of sad, preventing us from truly laughing at them and feeling okay about it. Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy cover came out. Haha, loser, but also, shit, what a fucking freefall. But the Kardashians? They are pure, unadulterated, gleeful loathing. They don’t try to make people sad. The one time they did, the one time they attempted to capitalize on a medical struggle of a family member? It was Kim’s eczema. Not drug addiction, not cancer. ECZEMA. They are like the “Saved By The Bell” of pop culture problems. And I love it. I love the hate.
Now I get to hate teenagers. I fucking love hating teenagers.
Yes, the little Kardashians, who are actually Jenners, but will probably get a Kardashian-themed title, lest we forget the brand, are getting their own show. In case you didn’t know who the little ones are, they are Morticia and Muppet Sleeves.
I really should post that every day of the holiday season. You know. For the children.
So, to you, Bonnie Hammer, television Santa, I thank you. I thank you for lamenting the trashiness of your network while delving it further into that which trashifies it most. Thank you.
Yes, Virginia. There is a television Santa Claus. And, today, we all wear Muppet sleeves in her honor.