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Tim Allen Wants You To Feel Bad For Him Because He Supports Trump

By Kristy Puchko | Celebrity | March 20, 2017 |

By Kristy Puchko | Celebrity | March 20, 2017 |

You know who is really persecuted in Trump’s America? Sure, there are Muslims who are now fearful of even leaving their home country of the US, because they might not be allowed back in. There are refugees whose hopes of finding sanctuary here have been dashed, and undocumented immigrants living in fear that ICE agents might rip them away from their families while their weeping children look on. There are women who fear losing access to the reproductive rights promised by Roe V. Wade. There are Jewish communities whose schools are under waves of threats while the president can’t be bothered to address the issue beyond a pressured platitude. The trans community feels under attack by new Trump orders. And let’s not forget that Trump Care threatens to leave 24 million without health insurance, and that the elderly and impoverished might lose Meals on Wheels, while the young and impoverished might lose after school specials that feed them, intellectually and literally. Because, guys, it’s really hard out there for Hollywood conservatives right now. Famous grunter Tim Allen is so scared he talked about it on Jimmy Kimmel Live.

Kimmel asked Allen if he went to Trump’s inauguration, and the Last Man Standing star got instantly nervous, stammering, “I was invited, we did a VIP thing for the vets, and went to a veterans ball, so I went to go see Democrats and Republicans. Yeah I went to the inauguration.”

Kimmel laughed at Allen’s clear nervousness about the topic, which was definitely a part of the approved topics that his PR team went over with the show’s programmers ahead of time, because that’s how these shows work: pre-interviews and pre-approved questions. Still, Allen went full Godwin when explaining how hard it is to be rich, famous, and a conservative right now, saying:

You gotta be real careful around here, you know. You’ll get beat up if you don’t believe what everybody believes. It’s like ’30s Germany.

The audience chuckled at this joke mildly, but Allen seemed to think he was losing the room. So, he then tried some other tacks, like “I’m a comedian, I like to go on both sides” whatever the hell that means. And then “This government does stuff big. I’ve never been to anything like that! There were just so many people.” (Arrested Development narrator voice: “There weren’t.”) Then he went on about all the spectacle, helicopters and Cadillacs as far as the eye could see, “and then a tractor! There’s no marching bands.” ( Arrested Development narrator voice: Because they all said no.) But hey guys, remember “I’m not ignorant but sometimes I play it.” So Allen pointed out he’s gone to “gay” parades too. And did you know there’s some bawdy stuff at those gay parades? “You don’t want to take a five-year-old to one.”

It Tim Allen:

“Gay pride parades have a different tone than Disney on Ice parades,” Allen concluded. Next, he went on to old man at cloud holler about Google Maps, proving just how relevant he is.

Then, Twitter came.

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Kristy Puchko is the managing editor of Pajiba. You can follow her on Twitter.