As part of my childhood dream of becoming TK when I grow up (it was TK or the first woman president; I regret nothing), I too am contributing to Pajiba’s need to finally slap a “Baby on Board” sign on the Murdertank. Yes, my womb is made of people. This is an exciting time, full of love and nerves and a zombie-Liz Lemon-esque commitment to devouring sandwiches.
But, for some, the news that you may soon be a parent is less joyful than mine (mine involved my husband taking me out for biscuits and gravy, so, double joyful). For example, Justin Bieber doesn’t seem that stoked about it.
That’s right. It’s little buddy’s first paternity suit! *tousles his shockingly soft hair* Precious scamp.
Is it so wrong that I really want this to be true? If for no other reason than to believe that Justin Bieber repeatedly told a girl, and I quote, “I want to fuck the shit out of you”? Because that’s hilarious.
You know what? Let’s just go ahead and read the greatest romance of our or any time.
“Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone.
“I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.
Mariah also told the court: “After walking away from the other people backstage, Justin Bieber found a place where we could be alone — a bathroom.
“We went inside and immediately his personality changed drastically. He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to f*ck the sh*t out of me. At the time I asked him to put a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to.
“In his own words, he said that because it was his first time he wanted to feel everything.”
Justin then “quickly took off my clothes,” she said — and the pair had sex.
Bieber’s reps strenuously deny the woman’s claims, but Yeater wrote in her court declaration: “He was on top of me with my legs around him. At the time I was on top of some type of shelf. The sexual intercourse itself was brief, lasting only approximately 30 seconds.”
*sigh* This must be what it’s like reading Twilight for 38-year-old virgins. So beautiful.
Anyway, this story was broken by Star Magazine, which means it probably isn’t true, but they also broke Ashton Kutcher sticking in penis in everything except Demi Moore, so maybe it is. I don’t know. All I know is that celebrity paternity testing is endlessly hilarious to me because it is always either or both of these things: a desperate attempt to receive fame and money from a sad skank, or the desperate inability of a famous skank to wrap his goddamn piece.
Radar goes on to tell us about the fantastic litany of paternity scandals Biebsy Malone now joins. These gentlemen, who’ve also successfully used the line “but baby, I don’t like the way condoms feel” include:
Welcome to the big leagues, Justin. And, yes, this is all karma for that incredibly annoying “baby, baby, baby, oh baby” song.