Shailene Woodley is many things. Actress. Wood sprite. Human version of those rocks hippies use as deodorant. But did you know she’s also a veritable quote factory, an endless fount of wisdom? She sure is. Here are some of her most visionarytastic quotes.
“I’ve eaten ants and that was great. And June bugs, that was great. I think the future of food is in insects, so we’ll see what happens.”
She might not be wrong. You don’t know the future. You don’t know about ants and June bugs.
“No [I’m not a feminist] because I love men, and I think the idea of ‘raise women to power, take the men away from the power’ is never going to work out because you need balance. With myself, I’m very in touch with my masculine side. And I’m 50 percent feminine and 50 percent masculine, same as I think a lot of us are. And I think that is important to note. And also I think that if men went down and women rose to power, that wouldn’t work either. We have to have a fine balance.”
She doesn’t NEED to know what feminism actually is. She’s very rich. And she has her bugs.
“The reason why I don’t like to say that I am a feminist or I am not a feminist is because to me it’s still a label. I do not want to be defined by one thing. Why do we have to have that label to divide us? We should all be able to embrace one another regardless of our belief system and regardless of the labels that we have put upon ourselves. I mean, if we spent as much energy focusing on the genocide that’s going on right now in parts of Africa as we spent on that one article, think about what we could accomplish.”
That’s what we call a double-down and I don’t mean the KFC chicken explosion. SILLY FEMINISTS. Women are totes fine. Why aren’t you thinking of Africa
where there are also women?!
“Another thing I like to do is give my vagina a little vitamin D. I was reading an article written by an herbalist I studied about yeast infections and other genital issues. She said there’s nothing better than vitamin D. If you’re feeling depleted, go in the sun for an hour and see how much energy you get. Or, if you live in a place that has heavy winters, when the sun finally comes out, spread your legs and get some sunshine.”
And if the neighbors don’t like it, THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND VITAMINS.
“I think everything about my lifestyle is fairly alternative. I gather my own spring water from mountains every month. I go to a farm to get my food. I make everything from my own toothpaste to my own body lotions and face oils. I could go on for hours. I make my own medicines; I don’t get those from doctors. I make my own cheese and forage wild foods and identify wild plants. It’s an entire lifestyle. It’s appealing to my soul.”
I actually have a way bigger problem with people who eschew science than I do with people who think feminism is a waste of time. Because only one of those things leads to my kid getting taken out with the consumption like goddamn Satine from Moulin Rouge.
“For example, clay is one of the best things you can put in your body. One of my friends was making a clay toothpaste that you swallow instead of spit out. But I first heard about the benefits of eating clay from a taxi driver. He was African and was saying that, where he’s from, the women eat clay when they’re pregnant. Seriously—ask your taxi drivers where they are from and about their customs. You will learn a lot. So, I’ve discovered that clay is great for you because your body doesn’t absorb it, and it apparently provides a negative charge, so it bonds to negative isotopes. And, this is crazy: it also helps clean heavy metals out of your body. My friend starting eating it and the next day she called me and said, ‘Dude, my shit smells like metal.’ She was really worried, but we did some research together and everything said that when you first start eating clay, your bowel movements, pee, and even you, yourself, will smell like metal. You should obviously be careful about your source. Bentonite clay is good, but Mountain Rose Herbs has a great clay source. I get all of my herbs from Mountain Rose Herbs, too.”
If I had a nickel for everytime I’ve said “dude, my shit smells like metal”—oh, wait, my bad, that’s not a nickel. I get them confused now on account of clayshits.
“I was only home for 15 days last year and I got home and I was like, ‘I don’t want to be alone. I want to be with my friends and family. So, I got rid of everything just so I could have one suitcase that would be easy to transport between houses and just kind of couch surf for a few months. But it’s so refreshing and it takes so much stress away when you’re like, ‘Ugh, I only have one pair of jeans to wash.’ It’s so nice.”
I don’t know what those homeless people are so upset about—being homeless is awesome! Such a care-free lifestyle! ONE PAIR OF JEANS!
This has been “as Courtney gets older she is slowly developing a Cartman-level reaction to hippies.”