Friends, there has been a war raging on, undercover, at People Magazine for quite some time. I’ve been under strict orders by my superiors not to utter a peep, but last night, I was given the all clear to finally let you know about the truth.
For the past 33 years People Magazine has been divided—and it’s been hellish. Day in and day out the forces of good and evil have been at war, all over a matter of crucial international importance: who is the sexiest man alive, this year? Last year, evil won when Blake Shelton was crowned (in the dead of night, my allies and I were caught unawares) the honored position of Sexiest Man Alive—he is not, and never will be.
This year, the tides turned in our favor.
Who'd have thought it! Thank you @people & all the fans for naming me #SexiestManAlive. Don't forget to grab your issue this week https://t.co/WI7eWfXOPB. I'm honoured & thankful. What’s even more important is your vote in the midterm elections. Your vote can make a difference!👊🏾 pic.twitter.com/TBQapjxJsT— Idris Elba (@idriselba) November 6, 2018
We got a win when Idris Elba finally was crowned a title that has been rightfully his since at least 2002 when The Wire season one aired, and Stringer Bell showed us that every organization, even the Baltimore drug trade, can benefit from Robert’s Rules of Order.
The was a hard fought win, especially because the other side was heavily pushing for Eddie Redmayne.
Ever since The Rock was crowned Sexiest Man Alive in 2016, the malevolent forces at play waged to put a changeling of their own choosing in the top position—last year they succeeded, this year we fought back and won—and not a moment too soon.
“Why does it matter,” you ask yourself?
Because a storm is coming friend, and you need the right people in charge—surely you’ve heard about the possible Alien probe that is within our galaxy at present, yes? Well what if I told you that People Magazine has known about the possibility of aliens making contact since 1985—the year they crowned the first Sexiest Man Alive?!
Why is this so important? Well…let’s say an alien race does come to our planet, only their intentions are not totally friendly. They’re advanced, and they want to make sure that our species is worthy of them. So the powers that be at People Magazine know this, and every year, they select the most perfect example of a man that they can find, because they know that by selecting a Sexiest Man Alive that he alone will stand as an avatar for all of humanity, and be deemed worthy (or not.)
Plus the aliens are thirsty, if you know what I mean.
This is not a perfect system, and since its inception, has been infiltrated by people that would rather see the world burn (is this all starting to make sense?!) why else would Nick Nolte, Adam Levine, or post-Winona Ryder Johnny Depp ever be chosen?!
So what does this mean for 2018-2019?
Mainly that we’re safe. I have no doubt in my mind if the aliens come (and they’re coming, eventually) they’ll take one look at our current Sexiest Man Alive, give us a thumb up and then share the secrets of the universe with us, because Idris Elba is a universally appealing stone cold fox. Even Eddie Redmayne would agree..
So regardless how tonight turns out in the elections (j/k - we’re all miserable with anticipation, join us in this distraction, friend!) know that at least one election did turn out for the good this week—and that our earth is safe from earthly invaders, at least for this year.
Header Image Source: Getty