If you’re not aware, something beautiful and wondrous is happening right now. One Direction fans are pulling out some hard science to prove that band member Louis Tomlinson’s baby is fake. And it’s incredible.
You can read a whole breakdown at Buzzfeed (it is worth every second you spend on it). But here’s the essentials: One Direction fans believe Louis and the supposed mother of his child have fabricated this baby person using Photoshop, staged photos of other people’s kids and outright stealing other people’s photos, as evidenced by the fact that certain tattoos are missing in certain photos and the child’s birthdate has been inconsistently posted about from the parents.
And this is why I love celebrity culture so much. This is just the best. We have the massive obsessive involvement of fans scrutinizing every image, date and time stamp. We have the very real phenomenon of celebrities twisting and manipulating facts to create a narrative for their own purposes. When the two meet, it’s a goddamn delight. I love every bit of it. Every delicious fake baby bit.
And this is hardly the only potentially insane/possibly totally credible (depending on which way you wear your tinfoil hat) celebrity conspiracy theory out there. Get ready, kids. It’s about to get good.
Britney Spears was programmed by MKUltra
Project MKUltra was a program designed by the CIA for mind control experimentation, using drugs and other techniques. Subjects were often individuals who had mental illnesses. That’s real, and all documents and program files were destroyed at the order of the CIA’s director after Watergate.
Because it involves drugs and mind control and the government and rumored hot women programmed as sex slaves and spies or something, conspiracy theorists LOVE MKUltra. And most super hot famous women (and Justin Bieber) have been rumored to be MKUltra victims. Like Britney Spears. Here’s my new favorite website to explain.
Britney Spears also has mental problems and used Monarch symbols in alot of her videos. She was also raised by Disney. There are alot of videos on youtube about Britney’s mind control. K-fed said he suspects she is a multiple. She goes into different voices for different personalities. Everyone remembers when she shaved her head while wearing the 666 star of Solomon.
If you need more evidence, AS IF YOU DID, here’s video proof of her mind control short-circuiting during an interview.
Or, it was a young woman who, we now know, suffers from a personality disorder at likely the exact time her symptoms were starting to show. But that’s probably what they want you to believe. Not enough proof for you? How about Angelina Jolie?
Angelina Voight shills for the United Nations World Government. Her Father is a shill for Israel. She seems to be estranged from Jon Voight because of the Illuminati. In Tombraider the only lines she ever shared with her Father onscreen was about the Illuminati. The Illuminat are the ones creating these mind controlled slaves through their intelligence agencies.
Angelina was in The Good Shepherd a movie about the CIA. She seemed to be specifically picked for the role because the Skull & Bones secret society and their control of the CIA and their work in mind control. I think Robert Deniro suspects she is one of the women at Rothschild’s parties like in the movie Eyes Wide Shut. Angelina has good reason to be paranoid and mentally ill while she’s surrounded by people from organizations like the CFR and the United Nations.
That picture of her with a horse is just not right. She is #1 MK Ultra victim for sure.
Like I always tell you, if the photo of the horse don’t neigh, she’s definitely MK.
Britney Spears was used by the Bush administration to throw off public attention
When George Bush was in a pickle, who did he turn to? Not Dick Cheney. Not Karl Rove. Britney Spears. Believe me, I get it.
Theorists cite a timeline wherein several negative Bush administration events each had a corresponding Spears episode to pull focus. 2004’s Valerie Plame scandal was pushed out of the headlines by Spears’s two-day Vegas marriage. The reformation of Al Qaeda announcement was ignored in favor of The Great Shaving. Someone once saw Spears and Rove “canoodling” and oops I did it again and by “it” I mean vomited all over the place.
Weirdly enough the creators of this theory don’t even mention the MKUltra connection, so I should probably just start the rumor that they’re totally connected right now.
Miley Cyrus is dead
Was she killed in a car accident in 2007? Did she OD in 2012? Or did Disney have her assassinated in 2010? All these rumors exist, and they all end with the same outcome—she’s been replaced by a lookalike. Just like Megan Fox, who has been replaced twice. Because young female stars are just like James Bond. They just trade them out every couple years.
Stevie Wonder can totally see
Because if he can’t see, HOW DID HE CATCH THE MIC?
Presumably because he heard it or felt it fall with his necessarily heightened other senses, you know, for survival. But then there was also the time he took a picture looking through the viewfinder of a camera which is…huh.
My god. THIS IS HOW IT STARTS. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME. CAN FIRE EVEN MELT STEEL?
Beyoncé faked her pregnancy
Of course, we all know about this one, and it’s not even the most credible incident of pregnancy faking (that would be the Jonas brother no one cares about and his wife, with Katie Holmes taking second place). This kind of thing comes up all the time, most often with women “of a certain age”. Speculation about the legitimacy of celebrity pregnancies has an ugly side, bringing up a whole lot of sadness and badness from infertility to the societal pressure for a woman to not only have children but to physically birth them herself. And with Bey and Jay already having discussed one miscarriage, it just feels dirty. I only even bring it up because it’s the elephant in the room in the way of me discussing my actual favorite Beyoncé literal nonsense conspiracy theory.
Beyoncé is Solange’s mother
OK, stay with me here. Because Bey was born in 1981 and her sister Solange in 1986. You can’t have babies at 5 years old. Right?
WELL. Rumors have long existed that Bey is years older than she claims, some claiming records indicate she was actually born in 1974, some claiming she is an immortal goddess who has always existed and will always exist (me, that’s me, I’m the one claiming that). Which means she would have been about 13 when she allegedly became pregnant with Solange. Why? WHO KNOWS. FOR REASONS. BEY-SONS. But I love that it’s not enough that she’s lying about her age, which, who in Hollywood isn’t?, but that she’s lying about her age AND SECRET SISTER BABY.
Now excuse me, I’m going to go look for Illuminati triangles on celebrity Instagram pages. IT’S ALL CONNECTED.