The world of celebrity ebbs and flows like a mighty tide that ebbs and flows, and also I’ve eaten too many Christmas cookies today to create proper similes. Anyway, the behavior of famous people can change depending upon what image they’re trying to sell or what movie they’re shilling. But, this year, a handful of celebs ebbed so flowily (*wipes crumbs off sweater*) that they managed to completely alter our perceptions of them, perhaps eternally. Or until they get caught with a hooker, or pose with a puppy. Whichever happens first.
Yep. It happened. Somewhere around the haircut heard ‘round the world, I started liking Miley Cyrus. You know, kid stars can’t help being kid stars. It’s not their faults. It’s that of their parents and whatever shady corporate overlords sell them as Barbies and toothpaste to those damn kids today with their sparkly hoodies, Justins Biebers, Zima, hula hoops and Pac-Man video games. But, when they attempt to break out of the mold that they never asked to be put in, we judge them as though they’re trying to create a faux image that isn’t really them, when we have no idea who exactly they are anyway, because their one-hit wonder dads used their mullets to get them Disney deals at 11 years old. I mean, they named her Destiny Hope, for god’s sake. It’s amazing she can count. But, this year, with an Agyness Deyn haircut, a phallic birthday cake and an engagement to a lesser Hemsworth, Miley grew on me. Well done, Destiny Hope.
It’s not that we *disliked* Joey Bides before this year. It’s just that he was kind of a laughable joke of a gent, as most veeps tend to be. But with a single debate, holy Paul Ryan photoshoot, Biden brought it. After Obama blew that first one like a Brown Bunny outtake, Leslie Knope’s fantasy man stepped the hell right up and kicked some Muppet-faced ass. Then, he made all kinds of dreams come true by actually appearing on “Parks & Rec” so that Leslie could stroke him. In that moment, we all wanted to be Leslie Knope.
I think I speak for all of us at Pajiba when I tell you we did NOT see this one coming. Holy stripper thighs. The man we so long derisively called Charming Potato became the affable object of adoration we now call Charming Potato. I won’t say too much. I don’t need to. Instead, I’ll just leave this here and we’ll all watch it for the 50th time.
Honey Boo Boo
Okay, I’m still not watching the show, and I still think it is rednecksploitation by a cable network whose name became ironic somewhere around Kate Gosselin. But. That little girl? That hyperactive ball of sass and spaz? She has won my heart. I want to hang out with her. Like all the time. And I don’t feel bad about it.
Did y’all know Halle Berry was crazy? ‘Cause I sure didn’t. But her divorce has been so insane that I wish it was happening to more interesting people. Nothing against Halle. It’s actually a huge compliment to her dignity that she’s hidden the crazy so well over the years that she’s wholly boring as a gossip subject. It’s like January Jones’s babydaddygate. Imagine if that had been, like, Jennifer Aniston or someone people seem to care about. It would have been HUGE. Instead, it was Fat Betty (bam-a-lam). Halle Berry’s thing is the same way, and it’s NUTS. Screaming matches, lies, unfounded stories about racial slurs, attempts to run away to Paris, French dudes beating up male models, it’s good stuff. But not so much for her image. It hasn’t exactly made her seem respectable. But at least it’s made her super interesting.
In fairness, this one’s been building for a while. But, this year, it went from totally assumable public speculation and tabloid fodder to legitimate news. 2012: the year Tom Cruise’s complete and total insanity was confirmed. His brainwashed bride escaping like he’s goddamn Shawshank, his own former “church” members turning against him, Nora from “How I Met Your Mother” digging ditches for offending him, Rock of Ages… It’s been a bad year from the Cruisinator.
Obviously, we have no goodwill left for this mess. But, for some reason, people with money do. That’s why Lifetime paid her to be in Liz & Dick. That’s why she’s starring in a Bret Easton Ellis movie. But, she’ll always be our Lindsicle and she will always disaster up any second, third, twelfth, eleventy-billionth chance she gets. So, in that way, she really just kept up the status quo. Well done, LiLo. And mazel tov!
Yeah, I know it hurts. I KNOW. But, seriously, regardless how much many of us liked John Carter, the fact is he had three movies this year that ranged from little-seen to holy bomb and BOOM goes the Riggins. Also, the haircut didn’t help.
*shakes head* At least they’re supposedly broken up now.
(Idea credit goes to the saucy Ms. SeaKat Stabler. If you didn’t like this post, she will reign fire and vengeance upon your face.)