Nobody Wants to Buy Sydney Sweeney's Bras

Did you know that Sydney Sweeney has her own lingerie brand? No? Well, that might be why it’s not doing so hot. According to Radar, SYRN has struggled to hook buyers and is slumping in sales. “It’s been a disaster,” an insider claimed. “They thought it would be a sellout based on Sydney’s brand, but clearly her saleability is waning rapidly.”

“SYRN’s branding feels exclusionary,” states a review on The Robin Report. “It does not invite women in; it asks them to emulate and fawn over the founder. And the inconsistency between the brand’s intention and execution is a threat to its long-term viability.” The review also said that the brand’s singular focus on Sweeney and her body was not appealing to potential customers.

First of all, it’s meant to be pronounced like “Siren.” Not “sirn”, which was what I thought for too long. If people have to look up how to pronounce your brand name, that is a problem.

The good jeans fiasco was a classic piece of rage-bait that ended up working in American Eagle’s favour in short-term sales, but for Sydney Sweeney, the face of those adverts, the long-term impact might be messier. The ad, its fallout, and Sweeney’s tone-deaf response to it all made a hell of a lot of people wonder if she’s MAGA-sympathetic, and a lot of those MAGA people welcomed her with open arms. Now, Sweeney’s image is frequently used as a weird kind of stand-in for the “ideal” woman in the eyes of the hard-right. Seriously, have you seen how many of these losers use Sweeney as their sole reference for a woman in Hollywood? Any time they deem another woman “too woke”, they say she should be replaced with Sweeney.

I’m not sure how much all of that drama would impact sales of bras if Sweeney was a big enough star to withstand it. While Sweeney’s PR team has tried to make her unavoidable, she’s really not a major celebrity. My parents have no idea who she is. Euphoria wasn’t pulling in NCIS numbers. While she has a couple of box office hits to her name, the flops outnumber them. She is not a Kardashian in terms of visibility. There are many brands out there with celeb backing that most customers aren’t aware of but don’t care because they like what’s on sale. SYRN is built entirely around Sweeney, specifically her body. If you have no idea who she is, why would you care about her product, and if you do know her, then you’re either exhausted by all the baggage or scrambling to claim her as Miss MAGA. And the latter don’t buy lacy bras.

I’ve heard many people say that they don’t think Sweeney is a girl’s girl. I know that this is kind of reductive but I do think there’s some truth to it. Her image is not one designed to appeal to other women, and we can tell. It’s nothing but pics of Sweeney on the SYRN website, usually in a Playboy-esque pose. At least Skims and Savage have diverse models showing off the range.

I think the products themselves reflect that too. The products are limited in terms of bra sizes, despite all the marketing claiming it’s inclusive. And here’s the crucial part, boys: Sydney Sweeney doesn’t wear well-fitting bras. I’ve never seen her on the red carpet or at a major event and thought, “hey, that underwear is actually in her size.” She’s always wearing either extremely uncomfortable push-up bras or ones where you can see the wiring. Why would I want to buy bras from someone who apparently has no idea how fittings work? Whatever you think of Kim Kardashian, I 100% buy that she knows her stuff about shapewear. That woman never leaves the house without looking like the perfect ad for her own product. Sydney is not doing that.

Frankly, I’d be surprised if Sweeney was actually hands-on with SYRN. I imagine Jeff Bezos and the venture capitalists who put the money down for it just wanted a good spokesperson so that they could reheat Rihanna’s Savage x Fenty nachos. Perhaps Sweeney’s new boyfriend, Scooter Braun, is helping her to right the ship. He’s apparently all but managing her now and pushing her into brand deals with companies he’s involved with. Excellent choice, Sydney. Keep it up. Can’t wait to see how that goes.