Friends, who among us, after watching Valley Girl or Moonstruck hasn’t thought to oneself: “Self, marrying Nic Cage is something I’d like to try one day.”
I mean, sure, now that he just ended his fourth marriage, you might think it’s a great idea. After all, he’s clearly open to the idea of commitment and it must be nice being married to the one-time star of Vampire’s Kiss; he’s probably got a lot of money.
Not so fast, Buster—People is here to let you know that if you marry Nic Cage it had better be a love match because the money has been spent: “How Nicolas Cage Spent His $150 Million Fortune: A Haunted Mansion, Islands and a Dinosaur Skull”
Obviously, you should read the entire article, because it’s unintentionally funny, but here’s some highlights on how Cage blew through his fortune (and I’m sure had a great time doing it.)
Not One, but Two Islands in the Bahamas
In 2006, Cage purchased more than 40 acres of private island living that had been on the market for $3 million. To go with the island, he also had four luxury yachts totaling $20 million, including one named Sarita that had a jacuzzi, a gym and slept 12 guests.
Look, we both know that property is an investment—and when you buy one island, it’s lonely, so you gotta get it a friend. Also, obviously you’ll need a yacht to get to said private island—and a spare yacht just in case. The other two yachts? Well, I mean, people tend to lose yachts. You should always have a few backups. I mean, duh!
Getting One Over on Leonardo DiCaprio by Buying a Stolen Dinosaur Skull at an Auction.
Suck it, DiCaprio! As much as I would just like to let this sentence stand because it’s a total power move, I’ll let People explain:
Cage, a self-proclaimed history buff, outbid Leonardo DiCaprio in 2007 for a 70-million-year-old dinosaur skull that cost him $276,000. The artifact turned out to be stolen though and in 2015, the Weather Man star had to return it to the Mongolian government.
There’s a lot going on in that blurb, but just know I would pay good money to watch the movie this situation is based on. Let’s call it Stolen Bones: The Rich A*ssholes Story.
A Pet Octopus that Doubled as an Acting Coach
Look, when you win the Academy Award for Best Caging in a Cage Movie (ok, it was for acting in Leaving Las Vegas, but I think my category is better) there’s nowhere to go but down in your career. You’ve reached the pinnacle of your profession, or so you thought—but then an octopus comes along and really helps you turn your skills up to 11.
He owned two king cobras named Moby and Sheba, priced at $276,000, and bought an eight-legged friend for $150,000 that supposedly helped him become a better actor.
A Lot of Haunted Castles
Now this is only speculation on my part, but per CNBC via People, it was estimated that Cage once owned 15 homes—and I have no doubt in my mind that ghosts were a prerequisite for Cage buying any property. That’s a lot of ghosts, friends. If only one of them had been a financial advisor in their life, perhaps they could have steered Cage down a more financially responsible path?
So, look, while Nic Cage did blow through about $150 million dollars, he’s now worth only about $25 million, according to CNBC (note: that article was published in 2017. Perhaps he’s made more, now?) That’s nothing to shake a stick at, but unfortunately, it won’t afford you the luxury of shaking a diamond-encrusted stick that Genghis Khan once used. Thems the breaks.
So, friend, if you’re still planning to marry Nic Cage for his money, I suggest that you temper your expectations or search for a true love match here.
Header Image Source: Getty