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Sean Penn Can F*ck His Own Face Sideways

By Grainger Heavensbee | Celebrity | March 27, 2018 |

By Grainger Heavensbee | Celebrity | March 27, 2018 |


Thanks to the magic of Twitter, we now have access to the Sean Penn MeToo poem from his new book, Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff, and we didn’t even have to buy it. Here’s the poem.


We actually took the time to send this to a poetry professor at Bates College to see if he could interpret it for us. His expert analysis? “Sean Penn is an asshole and he should shut the fuck up.”

We just assume all the guys who write stuff like this or say it in interviews are actually saying “I’m worried I’m going to have to stop being gross to women, personally. Time was, you could slap your makeup girl on the ass and she’d giggle! Now what am I supposed to do? NOT slap her on the ass? Then what’s the point of even living!”

We also think a lot of dudes are getting scared that women now realize “Bare Minimum Standards for Human Behavior” is not the bar we should be judging men by anymore.”Well I’ve never slapped a makeup girl on the ass, and once I looked slightly disapprovingly at a costar who did (although not that he could see it) so I should basically be the Pope.”

Anyway, the fact that Sean Penn thought his terrible poetry is fit for public consumption is like Exhibit C of male privilege. Do what most private poets do and write that shit in journals that’ll never see the light of day. Or go study goddamn poetry. In the meantime, talk to us when you can defend sexual harassers in a proper sestina.

Also, Sean Penn’s performance in Mystic River is garbage. And so is his face.

Read: Claire Fallon’s scathing review of Sean Penn’s book.

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