Where were you when you heard the news that Meghan Markle’s assistant, known only to us mere mortals as “Melissa” was resigning no less than SIX months after the Royal Wedding.
This is wholly unprecedented—we’re in uncharted waters here, and you will not be shocked to know that literally every publication has gotten this wrong. You can thank your lucky stars that Pajiba and I are on the case—because without us, you’d never find out what comes next. The Palace is trying desperately to bury this story, to the surprise of no one, and I’m currently writing this post from an undisclosed location in my apartment. Possibly the couch, but I need to be vague to keep them unawares of my present location. You understand, I’m sure.
People.com (I have reason to believe that in this instance, they’ve been compromised) can’t get any word from the Palace:
When contacted by PEOPLE, Kensington Palace declined to comment on the report.
Since when can People not get a comment—or maybe they did, but they have to keep it hush hush. Whether People is in on it, or the Palace is freezing everyone out, the fact of the matter is clear. The ranks are closing and information is not forthcoming.
Well, friends, you can thank me and my exclusive source (who most definitely is not my friend Maureen who only wears athleisure wear and has four border collies that she calls “the gang”). We’re here to tell you the truth of what’s really going on.
You may think “Melissa” is leaving because she can no longer work for the Sussexes with the conditions she was under. That would be wrong. Oh, so very wrong.
She’s leaving to test the waters for Harry and Meghan. I’ve discussed at length both their desires to expand upon the life of a working Royal. She, to enter their forthcoming child into beauty pageants; he, to get into musical theater. Neither of the Sussexes are impulsive fools though—they know you have to test the waters before you dive in—after all, that’s how you make the biggest splash.
I can exclusively reveal to you that none other than America’s Got Talent is currently holding auditions for its 14th season. Per their listing in Backstage.com, “We have opened up video auditions for the 2018-2019 season.”
The only hitch? They’re only seeking talent from within the USA. We already know that Meghan has taken up residence in London. The rumors are that her mom is moving over to the UK, shortly, too.
So how will the Sussexes apply if they’re not located within the US?
Enter in Melissa.
Maybe, just maybe, she’s on a secret assignment from the Sussexes to take up residence in America in order to establish eligibility for Meghan, Harry, and their yet-unborn child to have a family act on the show?
It’s all becoming clear now, right?
The Palace is obviously not on board with this—that’s why Melissa had to resign, so they can’t withhold her pay or tell her what to do.
Obviously, due to the secrecy of this, we’re not going to know more until the show actually airs—and I have it on good authority that as charismatic as Harry is, he’s a bit “pitchy,” so it’s not even a guarantee that they’d make it past the video audition stage. We’ll just have to wait and see ….
Until next time, friends.
Header Image Source: Getty