So I’m just mindlessly browsing the internet, as is my way, and I see that Robert Pattinson boy and ignore him entirely, as is my way. And…then…

Then I saw it. I saw it and I am changed.

This is the front. It’s OK I guess. A little Jimmy Darmody.

This is the back.

Some haircuts are a just haircut. And some haircuts are an impossible act, an unholy affront to all that is good and holy. “Why would you do this?” we cry in horror, trembling on the ground. “Why, Mr. Sparklepants, why?”

I don’t know why. But, for the sake of our very civilization, I know I must. Because there are only so many possibilities.

• He is a robot.
• He is a ghost.
• He is a lightswitch.
• He is preparing for an upcoming movie role in which it makes sense. THAT IS WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK, SHEEPLE.

Whatever it is, don’t look at it for too long. Please. Don’t look at the uncomfortably soft flesh around the tiny patch. Don’t imagine a world where the Kriss Kross version of a soul patch becomes a trend like this.

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