If you came here for non-stop Twilight bashing you are in the wrong place, friend. No, for reasons that are not quite entirely clear to even myself, I kind of like those movies. I mean, sure, they are objectively terrible, but for whatever reason, they are fully committed to being terrible, weird, and tone deaf, and for that reason, I enjoy them. (Note: yes, I know they send a terrible message to the youths of today and tomorrow, but these movies are so bad that I honestly think if you’re dumb enough to find them to be the paragon of #relationshipgoals, you have larger problems than Twilight.)
Here are some facts about the Twilight Saga that may sway you to my line of thinking:
Fact. The main protagonist, the virgin vampire Edward, would be a villain in literally any other movie and yet here he’s treated as the protagonist, and that’s so weird that I’m into it.
Fact. This emo vampire’s death scene is f*cking bizarre, and yet totally mirrors the audience’s reaction about ending the series, finally, after 5 bloated movies.
Fact. Bella wakes up, as a vampire (after having her no-longer-a-virgin vampire husband literally give her a cesarean with his teeth) in a full face of makeup, out of nowhere.
Fact. The entire saga ends essentially with a shrug after a brand-new character is introduced (out of nowhere) and Michael Sheen decides it’s not worth it to keep chomping scenery anymore (I’m convinced that they basically ran out of time to film that scene and rather than pay overtime, they decided to just wrap it up and call it a day because everyone was over it by that point.)
Fact. In this universe, vampires SpArKlE.
Fact. The movies have lines such as “like my own personal brand of heroin” and “hold on, spider monkey.”
Fact. They introduced (and unleashed) this abomination into the world, and honestly were ok with that.
Fact. They have a teen werewolf visibly fall in love with a baby, and saw no problem there.
Fact. All of the above are just a small sample of how batsh*t insane these movies are, and because Rami Malek won the Academy Award last night for Best Actor, the Twilight Saga can forever claim that it has an “Oscar Award Winning Cast” and that is truly amazing, and kind of appropriate considering how willfully ignorant Rami was about the whole Bryan-Singer-is-probably-a-prolific-predator.
Oh, you don’t remember Rami in Breaking Dawn pt 2? Let me remind you:
Yup, that’s right.
Someone get me in touch with the Twilight marketing team, I think it’s time for a re-release in theaters to bank on this newfound marketing opportunity.
Header Image Source: YouTube/Summit