Raise Your Hand if You Want Moby to Shut The Hell Up, Now

When someone is delusional to the degree Moby is, it usually elicits a response of pity and sympathy. “Bless their heart,” I’ll whisper to myself, as they try to insist that they can, in fact, eat 50 hardboiled eggs in 30 minutes.

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However, Moby gets neither my sympathy nor a bucket to puke in after he tries to eat too many eggs in a short amount of time. No, the only response Moby will get from me is to be mocked mercilessly because that dude can’t quit.

See, after he talked some real nonsense about “dating” Natalie Portman when she was age-inappropriate (She was 18, he was 33), Moby was not prepared to accept Natalie’s response that he was a creepy loser (in Kate speak, we’d call that “a virgin who can’t drive”) and instead took to Instagram to plead his case, yet again, in a highly-controlled manner on a one-sided social media account to people who presumably care enough about him to follow him on Instagram. We covered that yesterday if you care to wade into the waters of delusion and male entitlement.

Well, friends, Moby is at it on Instagram again.

Exhibit A:

Here you’ll see Moby acting like a victim, yet conveniently ignoring the fact he violated the sacred compact, which Kandi Burruss laid out so perfectly in her Housewives tag in season 7 of the Real Housewives of Atlanta: “I’m not about the drama. Don’t start none, won’t be none.”

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Dear trolls, While I’m flattered by the attention, I just don’t know if the best use of your time and your life is hating a stranger based on egregiously limited information. I mean, when you are on your deathbed do you really want to think, “at least I spent my time hating strangers on social media”? It is of course your life, but I just have to assume there are better things to do with your time…but again, thank you for all of the attention, it’s very flattering.

A post shared by moby xⓋx (@moby) on May 23, 2019 at 5:34am PDT

Moby is acting like that little turd who lived down the street from you growing up. You know the kid. The one who would wear you down to go play basketball in his driveway, and when he was losing, he would throw the ball up on the roof so the game couldn’t continue, and when you said you won anyway, he’d run into the house to cry to his mom that you cheated. No one liked that kid. He grew up and probably works at ICE now. That guy sucks.

Exhibit B:

Here Moby is reminding us that he’s doing ~*iMpOrTaNt*~ things with his time, but like, also, you should get over his gaslighting of Natalie Portman and women everywhere, because it’s not changing the world, OK?! He’s over it, so why aren’t you!? JUST LET HIM GET THE LAST WORD, GAWD!!

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Yesterday I spent the day in DC lobbying Congress on animal rights issues with the @humanesociety . As an activist I think it is incredibly important to engage with legislators and the legislative process(because if we don’t engage with legislators then lots of pernicious corporate interests will..). Also: as a political nerd I was really excited to ride the Congressional train that runs under the Capitol building… Also: cynicism might be fun and seductive, but it doesn’t save animals or change the world.

A post shared by moby xⓋx (@moby) on May 23, 2019 at 5:48am PDT

Exhibit C:

When all else fails, play the victim. This is leveling up your gaslighting. Here, you’ll note, he’s trying to make it about Natalie Portman gaslighting him now. What a time to be alive!

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In my memoir Then It Fell Apart I respectfully and honestly describe the brief, innocent, and consensual romantic involvement I had with Natalie Portman in 1999. But she’s denying that we ever dated, even though in the past she’s publicly discussed our involvement, and there’s ample photographic evidence that we briefly dated and then were friends(some pictures included in this post). It hurts to be lied about, especially as I’ve always respected her, and I thought we were friends. But I’ve been receiving anonymous threats of violence from her fans, and it’s affecting my business and my health. So what should I do? What do you do when people believe lies and accusations and not actual photographs and evidence? I want to take the high road, but I honestly don’t know what to do. It’s one thing to be lied about, and entirely another when someone’s lies result in physical threats from complete strangers.

A post shared by moby xⓋx (@moby) on May 23, 2019 at 9:53am PDT

Exhibit D:

Oh, you thought there were only 3 whiny social media posts, lately? Oh friend, how wrong you were.

No, here Moby is again pointing out he’s out there saving the world, only the b*tches won’t let him be great. Thank god for mother nature not judging him! Which, side note, as someone who grew up in Alaska, I guarantee nature can and does judge you, Moby. Harshly. Nature will knock your a*s out if you don’t respect her—much more than the public rebuke you got from Natalie Portman for not respecting her. Just go talk to that other delusional white guy. You know, the one who thought he could live amongst grizzly bears with no consequences and was told repeatedly by other people that his was a very, very bad idea. Oh wait, you can’t because the bears f*cking ate him. You’re lucky Natalie Portman is a vegan, guy.

Wait. On second thought. Yes. Please go be in nature, Moby. I have some campground recommendations in Alaska for you.

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You know what’s nice? That nature doesn’t care. Also, I can choose frustration and bitterness, or I can remember that as an activist I’m here to help, not to be helped. To be of service, not to be served. Might sound like hippie nonsense, but it’s what I believe. And that adversity is no excuse for abandoning integrity and principles. So, attack me, slander me, lie about me, in the meantime I’ll be trying to save animals and help stop humans from destroying the only home we have. Bye.

A post shared by moby xⓋx (@moby) on May 23, 2019 at 10:31am PDT

Everything about this situation is f*cking irritating. I’m irritated that yet again, a creepy a*s old man is asserting his will and view of reality on a woman. I’m irritated I have to think about Moby. I’m also supremely, royally, beyond f*cking irritated that Moby kicked a hornet’s nest and then had the audacity to tell the world that we shouldn’t be mad at him for doing it, because he’s saving animals, OK?!

Look. I love animals. It’s the type of charity I donate to most (and I’m not even lumping the thousands of dollars’ worth of NASCAR commemorative coins I’ve donated to the “Search for the Loch Ness Monster” fund in that category, either.) But there is a very real tendency of some people (you know, the Moby-type) who view animal welfare above the welfare of human beings. It’s not a zero-sum game, friends. But trying to save “the animals” does not excuse you from being a supremely horrible person who doesn’t respect women, Moby.

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You can hide behind your interpretation of the truth. You can hide behind nature, and the activism that, like, basically no one asked you to do. You can even hide behind your pictures of you and Natalie Portman, where she clearly looks like she wants to crawl out of her skin because you’re touching her. But what you can’t hide behind is the fact you’re a gaslighting piece of sh*t, Moby, and you need to shut the f*ck up and take a seat.

Moby. You’re the Jonah of the adult world, and Selina Meyer would like to have a word with you.

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Tai really did say it best:

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Finally, I’d like to take a second to communicate directly with Moby, because he’s definitely the type of guy to have a Google alert on himself: Just because I have written about you two days in a row does not mean that we have a relationship now. Specifically, Moby, I want you to know that we are not dating. Nor will we ever date. I am too old for you, and frankly, I hope you somehow manage to slam your nuts in a door, repeatedly, any time you begin to feel a spark of anything that resembles joy or happiness. You are a gaslighting piece of s*it.

We’ll give Natalie Portman the last word here:

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