By now you know the news that Meghan Markle and Prince Harry are expecting their first child. If this comes as a shock to you, please, please, please tell me what magical land you live in that is devoid of breaking news, because I would like to take a weekend getaway there to escape the waking nightmare that is our Trumpian news cycle.
Now that the shock has worn off, and we know exactly why they’re having their first child, attention is turned to what they could possibly name them. Sure, there’s the standard short list of acceptable classic names that the other royals, like Will and Kate, had to pick from. But Harry and Meghan aren’t just any royals, they’re cool royals.
So, the gossip mill is in overdrive to predict what name will be selected, with top choices being either Alice, Arthur, or Phillip.
Sure, if this were Will and Kate, these would be likely choices. Again, this is Harry and Meghan, safe and traditional they are not. They’re going to make a statement with the name. So with that in mind, I put together my go-to brain trust: me, my astral spirit guide who I can only communicate with while asleep, the Overlords who were willing to engage with me on the Slack channel, and Bruce Vilanch (note: Bruce was unable to engage, and if I’m being honest, has never engaged. I keep hope alive that one day he will. ) Together we came up with the most likely options of what the newest Royal Baby will be named, and have grouped the choices into categories for your reading ease.
Traditional with a Twist
Overlord Genevieve came out of the gate with a bang, when she predicted it would be likely that Harry and Meghan would opt for the traditional route, but put an American, modern twist on the spelling.
The most likely options in this category being:
This would fulfill the needs of more traditional royals, while still putting a kicky, unique spin on old favorites!
Another way for Meghan and Harry to pay homage to both of their roots would be to combine the American love of creating couple monikers based upon a couple’s first name.
When applying to the royal couples, options include:
What better way to look towards the future, while paying your respect to the past?
Tried and True
While Harry has made an effort to differentiate himself from his older brother, and get out from under his shadow, the fact of the matter is Harry and Meghan will never be the sovereign couple. There may be some lingering resentment there that may manifest itself through his child’s name, because there is literally no better time to let your brother know you’re not cool with him than the occasion of the birth of your first child.
If this happens, the likely options will be:
William Jr, Only Better (or WOB as he’ll be known)
(Obviously, even in a petty revenge situation both Harry and Meghan know better than to risk Charlotte’s wrath.)
What Won’t The Child be Named
We’ll get to the front runner of all these options in a minute, but we wanted to take a moment to list some of the names the child most certainly won’t be given:
Unfortunately for Meghan, the Markle side of her family tree can’t stop running their mouths about her to anyone who will listen (and a few people who won’t) so don’t expect a wildcat option that pays homage to either her father or her sister. That won’t happen.
So what is the clear choice here?
If you think it’s anything other than Harghan, you’re on a losing side, friend.
The brain trust can exclusively share that we are confident that the child will be given the unisex name of
Harghan Nahgem Sussex
Go forth safe in the knowledge that we are infallible, and that you now know what the royal baby’s name will be. You’re welcome.
Header Image Source: Getty