Something strange is about to happen. I’m about to defend Miley Cyrus.
Let me back up and explain my problem with our little MiCy. The artist formerly known as Destiny Hope Cyrus was created by the loving, caring hands of Disney to be a bastion of Christian and country values to the youth of America, nay, the world. As an until very recently underage billion-dollar-brand, Miley’s “people” have orchestrated every single thing in her life, from the costumes to the ice cream truck pole dancing to the hypocritical self-flagellation regarding those Annie Leibovitz topless photos.
There have been tiny sparks of any “real” Miley that might exist. There have been really underage cell phone underwear pictures, birthday party dry humping, and, now, drug use at a party.
If you haven’t heard, which means you don’t have a mother or work near middle-aged women and twenty-somethings who enjoy country music and Dancing With The Stars, a video of Miley Cyrus smoking a bong was released this weekend to TMZ. TMZ, in one of their more awesome backpedals, at once releases a humiliating video, then throws her a bone and calls it salvia.
Let’s be real for a minute. Isn’t it the tiniest bit suspicious how there are only so many legal substances that can be smoked out of a bong and she just happened to be smoking one of those very few legal substances? And isn’t it interesting how in the video, she is seen acting like every single 18-year-old idiot getting high in front of people? And isn’t it interesting that the building-full of suits who own Miley Cyrus knew this video was going to be released at some point and therefore had plenty of time to research potential legal substances she could have been smoking and present a united force that it was that particular legal substance?
What I’m saying is, salvia: bitch please. It was weed.
I can’t say who cares, because I know the exact kind of people who do care: the kind of people Miley and her people have been making money off of for years now. The demo who loves her most, that special brand of head-in-the-sand Christians, tend to be incapable of recognizing relatively normal youthful experimentation. They also tend to not trouble themselves with the seemingly more bothersome slutting up of their children.
In the words of Coop, I love sluts. Sluts rock. But when that sluttiness is mass marketed, packaged by a major corporation and directed at children, how is that not fucked up beyond the point of retribution? They did it with Britney and now they’re doing it with Miley, and no one seems to notice the similarities.
Miley Cyrus is doing something that is fairly common, but when combined with the fact that her fairly common deed mixed with the subsequent turning of her entire public, the consequences are frightening. You know that feeling that everyone knows you’ve done something and they’re judging you for it? What if everyone really did know you’ve done something and they’re judging you for it.
Britney had to publicly cheat on her pop star boyfriend and run off and marry some dipshit hillbilly in Vegas as an act of rebellion, and they still wouldn’t let her go, leading to an incredibly tragic, and tabloidically spectacular, five year breakdown. So if Miley is smoking weed, the public turns on her, and her management holds the grip that much more tightly, this could very easily take a turn for the Britney 2.0, this time with extra sad-crazy. Won’t someone think of the 18-year-old child?