Here at Pajiba, we’re all about education. And no one needs education more than famous people, for they are generally, as a rule, uneducated and awful. For many celebrities, the simplest tasks are akin to asking a gerbil to do your taxes. It really won’t work out well for anyone involved.
That’s why we’re here to help. And today, we’re helping the presenters at this Sunday’s Academy Awards.
Lesson 1: If you don’t belong, don’t dress like you do.
You’re a presenter. You could be someone with skill and talent, sharing in the grand moments with the year’s most deserving winners, or you’re the latest sensation we’re told matters because of hotness and unseen potential and no one really knows why you’re there. So don’t wear a dress that screams “I’m Princess Quinceañera of Candyland Gummy Bearville.”
Lesson 2: Don’t make it about you.
In 2008, Katherine Heigl presented the Oscar for Best Makeup (mind you, she presented this award while looking like this). She got to the mic, quaked and trembled, and said “I’m so nervous.” Bitch, you’re an actress. That’s what you do. I don’t give a fuck if you’re nervous. It’s not about you. It’s about the people who actually earned something, who weren’t selected by the network to pander to their audience, not to mention people who are behind the scenes and rarely if ever get the accolades they deserve. You are worthless.
Speaking of worthless, Miley Cyrus did the same thing last year. It’s unprofessional. I don’t interject in the middle of presentations and alert my co-workers of my general sweatiness and gastric issues. So pardon if I don’t want the chick from The Last Song doing it all over my TV.
It’s not just proclamations of nerves and ferklemptness. Julia Roberts did it, too. When presenting to Denzel Washington for Training Day, it was about her, not him. “I love my life!”
And, of course, there’s my nemesis and her “totally genuine” reaction to her co-star’s Golden Globe win. Ugh. Perish.
And, yet, despite it all, goddammit, Katherine Heigl, you’re the worst.
Lesson 3: Don’t fucking ad-lib.
Leave your politics at home, don’t try to be funny unless you’re actually funny, and stick to the script. Be professional. We don’t think you’re cool.
Unless you’re RDJ. Then do what you want.
Lesson 4: If you act like an asshole, we’ll find out.
In 2009, Ben Stiller dressed up as a disheveled Joaquin Phoenix and presented. The bit was met with relative silence and people quickly learned that a similar bit had been performed at the Independent Spirit Awards one day prior, and that Stiller’s last minute insistence upon doing the Phoenix impression left writers in a bind, and Stiller in a public display of dickitude as he harassed them.
Lesson 5: Know your limits.
As I said before, don’t try to be funny unless you’re funny. Don’t try to be thoughtful and pensive if you have the acting and thinking skills of a box turtle. Don’t try to speak if you’re Miley Cyrus.
Join Courtney here Sunday, February 27th, as she liveblogs the Oscars. It’s the Oscars, so wear a ballgown. It’s also her birthday, so bring cake.