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Norman Reedus' Penis Will Not Be in 'Death Stranding,' But His Urine Stream Will Be Weaponized

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | August 21, 2019 |

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrity | August 21, 2019 |


Look: I’m going to be honest. I don’t know anything about video games, much less Death Stranding. I have a highly addictive personality, and video games do not suit it. The last game I played was Earthworm Jim, and I literally stopped participating in life and did not sleep for two days in order to finish it. It felt like my eyes were bleeding, but that the rest of my body had gone numb. I decided at that point that video games were not for me.

However, this was one of those posts where the headline was too hard to resist, although my colleagues here did tell me a little about Death Stranding, though my guess is that fans of the much-hyped game probably will not appreciate the insights:

“It’s a Kojima game,” a colleague who will go unnamed to protect him from ‘rabid fanboys’ told me, “which means it’s going to be more movie than game, it’s going to purport to be ‘deep’ but mostly be nonsense, it’s fanboys will be rabid and borderline psychotic, and its female characters will be tough grrl idiots with breasts the size of bowling balls.”

“It’s being super hyped,” another colleague told me. “And people are super excited, and yet there’s an undercurrent of suspicion that we’ve seen so little of it other than really carefully curated footage and little information about the game itself. Personally, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s this generation’s Daikatana.”

Daikatana, I am told, is an old-school disaster, and that making the comparison would provide this post with some much-needed credibility. In any respect, the game will feature Norman Reedus, Mads Mikkelsen, Léa Seydoux, Margaret Qualley, as well as Guillermo del Toro and Nicolas Winding Refn. The synopsis for the game is one sentence: “After the collapse of civilization, Sam Bridges must journey across a ravaged landscape crawling with otherworldly threats to save mankind from the brink of extinction.” With his penis.

Reedus will play Sam Bridges, and the thing about the game is, the players can pee, and “if enough players pee in the same spot, ‘something good will happen.’” In other words, Sam’s urine stream “could be used as a weapon, but also it can be one of the keys.” That’s some magic pee, y’all, but be warned: Don’t cross the streams. It would be bad.

The downside here, however, is that although you Norman Reedus’ character can pee in the game, players will never see his penis, no matter how hard they may try. “If you try to move the camera and try to see what he’s doing, Sam will move away so you’ll never see, actually, what he’s doing.”

No one is more happy about this than Reedus.

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🙌🏽 #YES

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Source: Digital Spy