Life is all about decisions. For instance, I made the decision to make the image of this post a picture from a Star Wars event, because I liked the picture and I miss Carrie Fisher a lot. You choose to eat a salad for dinner instead of 12 candy necklaces, mainly because you already had that for lunch and variety is the spice of life. You choose to go to a state school instead of clown college, due to job security and your debilitating fear of clowns…that decision was a no-brainer, but it still hurt to make. Unfortunately, ’90s movies about career women lied to all of us—you actually can’t have it all. There are choices to be made, and sometimes that means a door closes on you. Especially if you’re making the decision to literally close a door behind you.
So, with that in mind, we have another tough decision to make friends. In the new Indiana Jones movie, you can either have Harrison Ford, who originated the role, or you can have Chris Pratt…who gave his cat away on social media just because she was old.
If you’re screaming “Whhhhyyyy?!” into the abyss right now, you’re probably alone in that, but I appreciate your severe reaction to this, at best, very mild conundrum.
You can thank Harrison Ford for making us choose between Han Solo/the best Jack Ryan and the guy who played Fletcher in Bride Wars.
A very brief scroll through replies to this tweet only had one person raising their hand and metaphorically saying “Pratt, please!” but they also listed #MAGA in their Twitter bio, so I think they were basically letting us know that they were a pratt, and we can safely disregard their opinion from now until eternity.
As far as I’m concerned, the only people who want Chris Pratt anywhere near the Indiana Jones series are people with the last name Pratt—so you know, Chris, his immediate family and maybe a handful of cousins; and MAGA supporters. People who want Harrison Ford to return basically constitute everyone else in the world. Especially if that means Shia LaBeouf is nowhere near this new entry, too.
Probably the question you’re asking yourself after the last Indiana Jones movie is—does anyone want another Indiana Jones movie?
To that I say, sure! As long as there are no aliens, refrigerators to escape nuclear blasts from; and that Indiana can go back to punching Nazis—perhaps taking him to South America, where many of them fled after the war.
The question remains then—if Pratt is out, who is in? Bless Harrison Ford, he can still throw a punch with the best of them, but after breaking his leg on the set of The Force Awakens, I can’t imagine he’s going to want to go through the arduous process of filming a bunch of fight scenes again—so he probably will want another person to come in and help pick up the slack.
My top choices are as follows:
Kate McKinnon. Comedic relief, and someone who can play slightly wacky that will compliment nicely with Jones’ gruff exterior. Also, she was great in the Spy Who Dumped Me and showed she can do action scenes as well.
Michael B. Jordan. Only if he doesn’t die though, because I feel like he’s the new Sean Bean in that sense and honestly I still haven’t gotten over what happened to Wallace in The Wire. In Black Panther he showed he was up for the task of action scenes, he’s very charismatic, obviously easy on the eyes, and I’m betting would look good in an Indiana-esque fedora.
Henry Cavill. He was very, very handsome and good in the last Mission Impossible movie. That’s all I got, but probably good enough.
Bradley Cooper. This is for no reason other than I think it would make filming the next Guardians of the Galaxy really awkward if Cooper got the co-starring role in Indiana Jones after Ford made it very clear that he didn’t want Pratt, because honestly, giving your cat away over Twitter basically means I will never like you and will take pleasure in your discomfort.
The Rock. I believe the Rock belongs in every action/adventure movie.
What do you think?