This morning, Dustin wrote this to me in an email (because, again, I’m still not allowed back on Slack, even though I’ve apologized more times than Ben Affleck in a marriage counseling session):
“The E! publicists send me clips of The Busy Phillips Show every morning, and every morning, I wake up and the first thing I watch are those clips, because I love Busy Phillips, and I want the show to succeed, but I always expect her celebrity interviews to be more confessional. Unfortunately, most of her interviews are superficial. They barely even gossip. Anyway, this is the first great clip from the show I’ve seen, so far. Would you mind covering it?”
So, I’m like, sure, whatever. And then I go back to sleep and wake up a couple of hours later and watch the clip, and I’m like, WTF Dustin? Why did I get big d*ck duty? So I email him back, and I’m like, “That Nicole Byer clip is funny, but why don’t you write this up? Why do I have to be the big d*ck writer? Do you have any idea what that’s going to do to the Grainger brand?”
Anyway, he didn’t respond. So I went back to sleep and when I woke up, he still hadn’t responded, so here we are with a clip from The Busy Phillips show in which Nicole Byer talks about her dating life, Guy Fieri, and the minimum threshold she looks for in a man: “A big d*ck … and employed, he’s gotta have his own money, and I used to be like ‘attractive,’ but like who cares? Who cares, he doesn’t even have to have teeth, like I don’t care anymore, he can gum my p*ssy to death. Just like a pulse, and a job, and a big d*ck.”
So, there you go, folks. If you meet those criteria, you can find Nicole Byer on any one of these dating apps: Raya, Tinder, Hinge, OK Cupid, Bumble, and something called Coffee Meets Bagel. If you live in Pasadena, you’re probably gonna need an extra inch on that hoss you’re carrying around in your pants because Nicole doesn’t like to travel.
(P.S. I knew you’d star out p*ssy, so I went ahead and starred out d*ck for you, too, Dustin, because if you’re gonna be Puritanical, you’d better be an equal opportunity Puritan.)
Header Image Source: E!