Nostalgia is a hell of a drug, and none of us want to be in 2018 anymore (not even 2018, which is why it’s stepping aside for 2019. Hey-oh!) So Google, in its infinite wisdom (and desire to sell more appliances that can monitor you) decided to update Home Alone, almost 30 years after it was released, with Macaulay Culkin back in the lead. Take that, Christian Martyn, the most recent and now erstwhile star of the franchise. Your services are no longer needed—it takes a real millennial to operate a Talkboy, friend-o.
You can watch it here:
Now, if you did watch it, I’m sure you’re probably wondering how is it Macaulay has aged so little, in 28 years. A grown man of 38, he has quite a youthful visage, wouldn’t you agree? Sure, you could chalk it up to genetics, the man is related to Bonnie Bedelia herself, so surely there is some genetic blessing at play.
That may have something to do with it, but obviously, something else is going on.
Now look, I’m sure you’re all whispering “vampire” amongst yourself, and sure, that might be on the table if Mac wasn’t aging at all…but he is, just slowly.
To get to the bottom of this, I went to Jason, whom I consider an expert on these things and perhaps more importantly, a friend. Between us, we determined that warlocks, alchemists, and fae folk are the most likely candidates and explanation for aging at a reduced rate.
Here’s where the twist comes in—you’ll see in the video clip that Culkin wears a robe for a good deal of it. A robe, people. Also known as the traditional garb of both warlocks and alchemists. Well, we can safely write off fae folk, here, friends.
Now comes the twist I don’t think anyone saw coming—what if this isn’t an either/or type of situation here? What if Macaulay Culkin is a warlock-alchemist hybrid? We all know the pressures to say young in Hollywood are overwhelming. Surely someone like Macaulay Culkin, who has been in the game since he was a child would understand said pressures all too well. Why not hedge your bets and become both? You can very easily join a correspondent’s course to become a warlock, and all it takes to be an alchemist is simply knowing the (very easy to learn) steps that go into transmuting lead into gold.
When you spell it out so simply, it seems so obvious.
So if anyone whispers “botox” or “digital de-aging” around you tomorrow at the water cooler, in line at the bank, or at an AC/DC tribute concert, don’t fall for that line of BS. Hold your head high and tell the offender the truth: It’s not science that’s keeping Macaulay Culkin looking so young, it’s magic.
Header Image Source: YouTube/Google