Louis CK Has a New Girlfriend and Oh Thank God It's Not Amy Poehler
Above is French comedian Blanche Gardin who is officially dating Louis CK, according to The Hollywood Reporter, so best of luck to her with all of that. But that’s probably not why you’re here, so let’s go ahead and talk about that headline.
Back when CK started showing up at comedy clubs like he hadn’t admitted to using his status in the comedy world to force women to watch him masturbate, a couple of us started getting cryptic tweets and messages about how we “wouldn’t believe” who he’s dating. And like the petty gossip hounds that we are, we did a little digging and the most prevalent rumor was Chelsea Handler, which is obviously not true.
But then we started wondering which female celeb would be the most devastating, yet plausible candidate, and sadly, the clues pointed toward Amy Poehler. WHICH WAS STUPID AND WRONG. AMY, WE ARE SORRY. I won’t get into our methods because clearly our detective skills are shit, but if you happen to Google who Poehler kept as her manager, you’ll see that we weren’t just pulling names out of a hat.
But again, we were way off, and thank f**king God. So let’s swing back to the THR report on CK’s latest comedy set in Paris, which is just full of goddammit that a wise and good Amy Poehler is not rewarding with sex because all is (somewhat) right with the world.
“Why do black guys have such big dicks?” is how he started one part of the show. “It’s a philosophical question,” he quipped.
Other questions included: “Do you ever wonder how many people fucked your mom?” and “Do you think there are some people who miss when it was wrong to be gay?” There was also a bit where Louis C.K. pondered how he would behave in a world where having sex with children was considered legal.
Now, you’re probably thinking, wait a minute, didn’t Louis CK joke about molesting children on Saturday Night Live? Yes, Pete, he did. And it was not Algonquin for “the good land.”
Child molesters are very tenacious people. They love molesting childs [sic], it’s crazy. It’s like their favorite thing. I mean it’s so crazy because when you consider the risk in being a child molester—speaking not of even the damage you’re doing, but the risk—there is no worse life available to a human than being a caught child molester and yet they still do it. Which from, you can only really surmise, that it must be really good. I mean from their point of view, not ours, but from their point of view, it must be amazing for them to risk so much.
Look, I can’t key into it. Because I love Mounds bars, I love Mounds bars, it’s my favorite thing right, but there’s a limit. I can’t even eat a Mounds bar and do something else at the same time, that’s how much I love them. Like if I’m eating a Mounds bar I can’t read the paper. I have to just sit there with it in my mouth, and go “Why is this so good? I love this so much.” Because they are delicious, and yet if somebody said to me “if you eat another Mounds bar you will go to jail and everyone will hate you,” I would stop eating them. Because they do taste delicious, but they don’t taste as good as a young boy does—and shouldn’t!—to a child molester.
Wow, Jesus Christ. It’s almost like Louis CK is trying to tell us something about dark sexual compulsions, or he really wants people to think he’s a child molester. Who’s to say? I’m just some rando on the internet who hopefully Amy Poehler won’t crush into a fine powder even though she’d have every right to. (Again, so sorry.)
Header Image Source: Getty
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